Dear MS:

Dear MS:

Swedish Fish are not ACTUAL fish.  They are not moving because they are candy. I don't know why you think they are dead baby fish. You will be happy to know that they are, in fact, your favorite thing:  CANDY!

So, instead of throwing them in the garbage, or flushing them down my toilet, EAT ONE! I promise you will love it.

Again, Swedish Fish are NOT actual, living fish. They are CANDY.

Love you!
Mommy

Note to Self 26:

Note To Self 26:

It's official! All of those head injuries as a child have rendered you brain damaged.

Nice job leaving BB's backpack at Church while you were there for a meeting about her religion classes. Even better that you NEVER FIGURED IT OUT YOU LEFT IT until it was time for school the next morning.

So the day began with you running to Church and crawling all over the floor looking for the backpack, trying to break into the school which was locked up tight to see if anyone brought it there, and texting everyone you saw last night in order to see if they saw it, took it, etc. ALL BEFORE YOU EVEN BRUSHED YOUR TEETH!

Luckily someone at the school grabbed it and left it at the front desk & when they finally opened their doors, you had time to grab it and run back home to feed the monsters breakfast, pack lunches, get BB dressed and drive her to school.

A list:

Things My Husband Has That I Don't:

1.  A lunch break. This means he can sit and eat a meal UNINTERRUPTED.  For an ENTIRE half an hour. And no one is harassing him, annoying him, asking him for things, bothering him, or talking to him.

2.  A DAILY Shower.  Can't remember the last shower I took.

3. No Friends.  The only friends he has are the ones I keep in touch with FOR him. And while this seems pathetic and that he must be a lonely fuck, I have to say, HE NEVER HAS TO DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE. While I love, love, LOVE all my friends, he has something I will never have: DOWN TIME. That said, when I do have down time, I don't know what to do with myself because I am so used to running all over the fucking place. I get all jumpy and find it impossible to relax. So what do I do when I find myself with nothing to do? I CALL A FRIEND.

4. The Ability to Lie.  I really don't have this ability. I'm too honest if anything. What a set of balls on the husband though. A great example:  Yesterday he went to the gas station to buy MS a candy bar because MS was good while he was getting his hair cut.  As he is on vacation, he gets to drink beer for breakfast and occasionally wants a cig. But cigs cost $10 a pack, and we are broke. So anyway, he goes to the gas station and comes back with a pack of cigs plus a candy bar and some juice thing. I say "where'd you get money for that" and he comes up with this RIDICULOUS story:  "Oh the guy at the gas station gave it to me. I told him my wife wouldn't give me money for cigarettes and he felt bad for me so he gave them to me".  YEAH OK. I pretty much freaked out and told him "either you tell me the truth right this second, or I punch you in the fucking face when I get the credit card bill".  Now when he complains that I won't let him have a credit card, if you start to feel bad for him, come back and re-read this. I can't wait for the bill to come so I can see how many times he has done this over the course of the billing cycle. But, HAHA!!! One thing I have that my husband does not is a BULLSHIT DETECTOR. Fucking idiot thought he could get one passed me.

5.  A functioning immune system. Yes I am always the one who gets sick. This is because retard spends all of 30 seconds with his children. Also, it is because he spends most of his time drinking beer and watching sports, which is a nice, stress free, relaxing activity for him (even with all the yelling and cursing at the tv). He doesn't have to cook, clean, or do a fucking thing other than go to a job he loves that pays him NOT NEARLY ENOUGH MONEY.  I have to pay the bills with the pathetic paycheck, budget the money, wash the clothes and put them away, do the dishes (and do them twice when he "helps" and washes them. I swear he is fucking retarded), take kids to the doctor, soccer practice, lacrosse practice, baseball camp, swimming lessons, dancing, girl scouts, school, the beach, their friends' houses, etc., and he just sits on the couch and complains that I don't do enough around here. FUCK YOU!

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn 3

While at Middle Spawn's preschool moving up ceremony, the little shit decided it would be a good idea to flip everyone off.  There all the little children were, lined up, the first one holding the American flag, all of them standing straight like good little soldiers, when Middle Spawn puts up his middle finger and shouts out:

LOOK MOMMY! IT'S THE BAD WORD FINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diary of a Bratty Bitch 1

Dear Diary:

I hate my mother.

She is cleaning the house and won't help me put my Pokemon cards back in their binder. She had to get me a stupid binder that doesn't close all the way and the cards fall out all the time. My poor precious cards!

That mean mommy keeps cleaning the house and tried to tell me that she would get done faster if I helped her. BUT I DON'T CLEAN.  I shouldn't have to clean. Why do they expect me to do everything? It's not fair.

Also she is mean because she wouldn't make me a hot dog for dinner. She is so mean. She cooked veal cutlets but I don't want that! She should cook me what I want like if I was in a restaurant. Doesn't she know she is there to serve me and cater to my every desire???? She's supposed to do everything for me!

She's so mean. I really hate my mommy.  She only buys me stuff sometimes. Doesn't she know I should get whatever I want? I mean, really! I want more Pokemon cards and also more webkinz. I need more for my collection. I don't know why she tells me to get a job all the time. Doesn't she know it is illegal for kids my age to work?  What is she stupid or something?

God I can't stand her!

A Touch of Sexiness With Every Rub

Dear Sluts:

You'll be happy to know I found the perfect job for you!

Were a busy, successful massage studio, seeking new female consultans/masseuses. No experience necessary, we provide body rubs as a novelty to professional males. We offer a touch of sexiness with every body rub. Female consultants easily make $200 to 300 per day. work as little or as much as you like. Interested? please send a recent picture and your phone number and experience to the email address above. Thank you, have a great day

 A touch of sexiness could mean anything!  You put your own spin on it.  Even though you don't need any experience or certification having to do with massage therapy, we do need to know how much experience you have whoring around. NOTE:  This does not need to be professional prostitution experience. You could just be a slutty person. Although it will help if you did a stint at the Bunny Ranch.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Love,
ME

Here Hooker, Hooker, Hooker......

Dear Craigslist Killer:

I find it amazing the police haven't caught you yet with all the advertising you have been doing.  Perhaps I should go undercover as a whore in order to take you down? Maybe there is a reward for your capture? I could use the money, as you know, since I came across your posting while job hunting:

Private, well established agency seeks companions to meet our Long Island members. We have two days a week available for each companion. Must be very attractive, fit and personable. Model types are most requested. Great $$, private and upscale clientele, relaxed and comfortable environment. If interested please reply with your name, age, contact number and two recent photos which include a face and a body shot. Thankyou, Anna

This ad is the best one to date!  You might as well have just come right out and said you are running a whorehouse.  I wonder how many applicants you will get? What a nice place to keep your victims and torture them before you murder them and dump them at the beach.

Love,
ME

P.S. What do you mean by "upscale"? Is Jude Law one of your clients? Cause I have no problem showing him a good time.