Fuck off technology

Dear Blogger: I know I've been away for a long while, but did you have to change all this shit around? I have no idea what the fuck I am doing!!!! Love, ME

7 Months Gone By

I sincerely apologize to anyone who has been anxiously awaiting a post by me so that they can realize how much better their lives are than mine. I apologize! I had a bunch of crap going on, but now I think I am ready to be back...... And to welcome myself back, for your enjoyment: Dear Baby Spawn: It is fucking amazing that you wasted $25 worth of food in 2 days. Thanks for throwing the $8 a pound parmesan cheese all over my kitchen. As if the mess weren't bad enough, I truly appreciate not having any cheese for my pasta, pizza, etc., all week. Speaking of pizza, thanks for setting the entire pizza (minus 3 slices - one for you and 2 for your brother - the rest of us went hungry that night) ON FIRE. (I know I KNOW this one could have been considered my fault as I put the pizza box on the stove and I KNOW how much you love to turn those knobs). We are lucky the entire fucking house didn't go up in flames (actually maybe we aren't lucky. Maybe a nice house fire is what we NEED in order to get us a nice new house. I'm kidding, if anyone from the insurance company is reading this). Finally, EGGS are not cheap. I myself have frequently begged for chickens so I won't have to buy eggs. SO THANK YOU for throwing a DOZEN of them around the kitchen. Egg is always nice and easy to clean up. Thank GOD for YOUR SAKE a nice coworker happened to bring me a dozen fresh eggs from the chickens he keeps in his yard! Therefore, I won't be subtracting the $4.99 from your college fund. But that pizza and parmesan cheese money is coming my way from your bank account. Straighten out you little jackass! You are getting to be WORSE than your brother! (Who the fuck thought that would have been possible????). Warm Regards, Mommy