Dear MS:

Dear MS:

Swedish Fish are not ACTUAL fish.  They are not moving because they are candy. I don't know why you think they are dead baby fish. You will be happy to know that they are, in fact, your favorite thing:  CANDY!

So, instead of throwing them in the garbage, or flushing them down my toilet, EAT ONE! I promise you will love it.

Again, Swedish Fish are NOT actual, living fish. They are CANDY.

Love you!
Mommy

Note to Self 26:

Note To Self 26:

It's official! All of those head injuries as a child have rendered you brain damaged.

Nice job leaving BB's backpack at Church while you were there for a meeting about her religion classes. Even better that you NEVER FIGURED IT OUT YOU LEFT IT until it was time for school the next morning.

So the day began with you running to Church and crawling all over the floor looking for the backpack, trying to break into the school which was locked up tight to see if anyone brought it there, and texting everyone you saw last night in order to see if they saw it, took it, etc. ALL BEFORE YOU EVEN BRUSHED YOUR TEETH!

Luckily someone at the school grabbed it and left it at the front desk & when they finally opened their doors, you had time to grab it and run back home to feed the monsters breakfast, pack lunches, get BB dressed and drive her to school.

A list:

Things My Husband Has That I Don't:

1.  A lunch break. This means he can sit and eat a meal UNINTERRUPTED.  For an ENTIRE half an hour. And no one is harassing him, annoying him, asking him for things, bothering him, or talking to him.

2.  A DAILY Shower.  Can't remember the last shower I took.

3. No Friends.  The only friends he has are the ones I keep in touch with FOR him. And while this seems pathetic and that he must be a lonely fuck, I have to say, HE NEVER HAS TO DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE. While I love, love, LOVE all my friends, he has something I will never have: DOWN TIME. That said, when I do have down time, I don't know what to do with myself because I am so used to running all over the fucking place. I get all jumpy and find it impossible to relax. So what do I do when I find myself with nothing to do? I CALL A FRIEND.

4. The Ability to Lie.  I really don't have this ability. I'm too honest if anything. What a set of balls on the husband though. A great example:  Yesterday he went to the gas station to buy MS a candy bar because MS was good while he was getting his hair cut.  As he is on vacation, he gets to drink beer for breakfast and occasionally wants a cig. But cigs cost $10 a pack, and we are broke. So anyway, he goes to the gas station and comes back with a pack of cigs plus a candy bar and some juice thing. I say "where'd you get money for that" and he comes up with this RIDICULOUS story:  "Oh the guy at the gas station gave it to me. I told him my wife wouldn't give me money for cigarettes and he felt bad for me so he gave them to me".  YEAH OK. I pretty much freaked out and told him "either you tell me the truth right this second, or I punch you in the fucking face when I get the credit card bill".  Now when he complains that I won't let him have a credit card, if you start to feel bad for him, come back and re-read this. I can't wait for the bill to come so I can see how many times he has done this over the course of the billing cycle. But, HAHA!!! One thing I have that my husband does not is a BULLSHIT DETECTOR. Fucking idiot thought he could get one passed me.

5.  A functioning immune system. Yes I am always the one who gets sick. This is because retard spends all of 30 seconds with his children. Also, it is because he spends most of his time drinking beer and watching sports, which is a nice, stress free, relaxing activity for him (even with all the yelling and cursing at the tv). He doesn't have to cook, clean, or do a fucking thing other than go to a job he loves that pays him NOT NEARLY ENOUGH MONEY.  I have to pay the bills with the pathetic paycheck, budget the money, wash the clothes and put them away, do the dishes (and do them twice when he "helps" and washes them. I swear he is fucking retarded), take kids to the doctor, soccer practice, lacrosse practice, baseball camp, swimming lessons, dancing, girl scouts, school, the beach, their friends' houses, etc., and he just sits on the couch and complains that I don't do enough around here. FUCK YOU!

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn 3

While at Middle Spawn's preschool moving up ceremony, the little shit decided it would be a good idea to flip everyone off.  There all the little children were, lined up, the first one holding the American flag, all of them standing straight like good little soldiers, when Middle Spawn puts up his middle finger and shouts out:

LOOK MOMMY! IT'S THE BAD WORD FINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diary of a Bratty Bitch 1

Dear Diary:

I hate my mother.

She is cleaning the house and won't help me put my Pokemon cards back in their binder. She had to get me a stupid binder that doesn't close all the way and the cards fall out all the time. My poor precious cards!

That mean mommy keeps cleaning the house and tried to tell me that she would get done faster if I helped her. BUT I DON'T CLEAN.  I shouldn't have to clean. Why do they expect me to do everything? It's not fair.

Also she is mean because she wouldn't make me a hot dog for dinner. She is so mean. She cooked veal cutlets but I don't want that! She should cook me what I want like if I was in a restaurant. Doesn't she know she is there to serve me and cater to my every desire???? She's supposed to do everything for me!

She's so mean. I really hate my mommy.  She only buys me stuff sometimes. Doesn't she know I should get whatever I want? I mean, really! I want more Pokemon cards and also more webkinz. I need more for my collection. I don't know why she tells me to get a job all the time. Doesn't she know it is illegal for kids my age to work?  What is she stupid or something?

God I can't stand her!

A Touch of Sexiness With Every Rub

Dear Sluts:

You'll be happy to know I found the perfect job for you!

Were a busy, successful massage studio, seeking new female consultans/masseuses. No experience necessary, we provide body rubs as a novelty to professional males. We offer a touch of sexiness with every body rub. Female consultants easily make $200 to 300 per day. work as little or as much as you like. Interested? please send a recent picture and your phone number and experience to the email address above. Thank you, have a great day

 A touch of sexiness could mean anything!  You put your own spin on it.  Even though you don't need any experience or certification having to do with massage therapy, we do need to know how much experience you have whoring around. NOTE:  This does not need to be professional prostitution experience. You could just be a slutty person. Although it will help if you did a stint at the Bunny Ranch.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Love,
ME

Here Hooker, Hooker, Hooker......

Dear Craigslist Killer:

I find it amazing the police haven't caught you yet with all the advertising you have been doing.  Perhaps I should go undercover as a whore in order to take you down? Maybe there is a reward for your capture? I could use the money, as you know, since I came across your posting while job hunting:

Private, well established agency seeks companions to meet our Long Island members. We have two days a week available for each companion. Must be very attractive, fit and personable. Model types are most requested. Great $$, private and upscale clientele, relaxed and comfortable environment. If interested please reply with your name, age, contact number and two recent photos which include a face and a body shot. Thankyou, Anna

This ad is the best one to date!  You might as well have just come right out and said you are running a whorehouse.  I wonder how many applicants you will get? What a nice place to keep your victims and torture them before you murder them and dump them at the beach.

Love,
ME

P.S. What do you mean by "upscale"? Is Jude Law one of your clients? Cause I have no problem showing him a good time.

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn 2

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn (MS) 2

Upon hearing a knock at the door, MS has taken to screaming at the top of his lungs:

COME IN BY YOURSELF!

Thankfully, there hasn't been an ax murderer or thief (not that I have anything worth stealing) at my door.

Good job MS! Yet another of your charming attributes. (Another charming attribute: whenever I do anything to piss him off, he will never say he hates me. Rather, he will say "I really hate daddy" or "I hate BB". How nice to be so loved by the little demon).

Dear Wildly Inappropriately Dressed Young Girl (or WIDYG for short)

Dear WIDYG:

Seriously, I am all about a nice short dress and working what you've got, but HELLO you are at a communion for Christ's sake! How did your mother let you out of the house dressed like this? You are at CHURCH. It is NOON. You are NOT at a club or at a bar or some sort of evening affair.

I blame your mother. My mother would have NEVER let me go to church with my ass hanging out. She would have beat me with a wooden spoon until I changed into something that didn't show my pubes. I'm getting so sick of people and their inability to dress themselves properly. 

You have inspired me to write a book on what you should wear and when you should wear it. I am getting sick of people showing up at black tie events in flip flops and going to luncheons dressed like street walkers. While the fashion faux pas are super entertaining, this whole thing IS getting VERY annoying.

Call me before you leave the house please. In fact, text me a photograph for approval. Thanks.

Love,
ME

P.S.  You are not alone! There are morons everywhere who are inappropriately dressed! Maybe we can start a support group?

This crazy bitch wore this to a christening. She looks great! If she were going to a bar or something. But this is CHURCH. I'm no prude but REALLY? Your twat should not hang out of your skirt while you are in God's house.

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn 1

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn 1:

While at a fundraiser for Middle Spawn's (MS) preschool, I had the following discussion with his teacher:

Teacher:  We are doing our Father's Day projects.  I'm sort of embarrassed to tell you what MS told me. (A Mad Libs type fill in the blank thing where they ask what your daddy likes to eat, drink, what he does for work etc. And it's cute when you hear what a 4 year old answers).

Me:  Oh please, you should never be embarrassed around me.

Teacher:  Ok. Well we asked MS what his daddy did for work and he said "he goes into people's houses and steals things"  Also MS said his favorite drink is beer. (The beer thing is true. The career criminal thing is not! I wish it was true because I am broke as fuck).

I just laughed and headed for the bar. Because Mommy's favorite drink is wine.

Dear Feline:

Dear Feline:

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for chasing that bird out of the house. How it got in here I'll never know.

I do know that your daddy saw it and yelled and ran away.

But before I could even figure out what sort of container I could use to trap it, you caught it, and scared the shit out of it*, and it flew out the window.

You are the best!
Love you!

Love,
Your Human Mommy.


*LITERALLY. There was bird shit everywhere.

The Evil Empire Strikes Back

Dear Evil Empire*

Have I told you lately that I hate you?

Your produce SUCKS. It's practically rotted before you even get it home.  Your juice is cheap but YOU NEVER HAVE ANY. I couldn't get Baby Spawn prune juice which he desperately needed as the stupid milk has constipated him. I ended up giving him a bowl of black beans at Chipotle. He was not happy. The gas pains hit him all at once and the poor baby looked like he was possessed.  He was practically levitating.

Moreover, why in God's name can't I get Infant's/Children's Motrin or Tylenol anymore? What the hell is going on there? Has the infamous Tylenol Killer** made a comeback?

Your Pharmacy also SUCKS my ASS. Every single time I have gone in there***, no one knew how to work the computer to put in my insurance information and I ended up paying $75 for a fucking tube of steroid cream or whatever.

I hate you hate you hate you.

Sincerely,
ME

*Target

**Actually didn't they say the Unabomber was the Tylenol Killer? I think I just heard that somewhere....
http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20110522/news/705229799/  Huh, how 'bout that, they think he was the Zodiac Killer too. Well that's a relief.....

***I'm not an idiot, it was 3 strikes and they were out - I fill my prescriptions in a place where the pharmacists have brains.

Professor Henry Higgins, Where Are You?

Dear Asswipe:

I love that you had balls big enough to post this ad on Craigslist:

I am a businessman who runs a creative ad agency and need to improve in my level of speech and vocabulary.

My gaol is to be able to master the english language so that I can converse more eloquently and professionally.

I would like for someone to sit with me and work on my vocabulary and speech delivery at least three times a week from my home in Lawrence,

Please respond if you feel like you fit this description and truly feel like you are a good educator.

Thank you,

Josh

Perhaps you would like some help coming across as less of a simpleton on paper? Try this:

Please help me. I can't spell "goal" and have no idea that the word "English" needs to be capitalized.  Lucky for you I only want to seem eloquent in person, and not on paper.

That tidbit of advice is for free! But as a show of your eternal gratitude, please feel free to keep me out of poverty by clicking on the support my blog button on the right and making a small donation.

You are welcome!

Love,

ME

The Rich Get Richer and the Poor Get Poorer

Dear You With TOO Much Money:

REALLY.  You put THIS ad on Craigstlist????:

I am looking for someone who can organize & make picture books from my personal photos on my mac computer. You need to be detail oriented & passionate!

You are too lazy to put pictures in an album but have enough money to pay someone to do this? What is this world coming to? This is completely ridiculous.  What do you do all day that you don't have a second to spare to get on Shutterfly or something and arrange pictures in an album?

Actually though, I would be good at this. But I am not schlepping my ass to East Hampton for a computer illiterate rich idiot. 

Unbelievable.

Love,
ME

Dear Canadian Government:

Dear Canadian Government:

Please take me in as one of your own! I am so sick of paying an astronomical amount of money every single month for medical insurance just to be slapped with a huge bill every time I walk into a doctor's office.

Now I know some big mouth Americans have probably pissed you off by saying how we have the best doctors and you have to wait forever to get seen by a doctor in Canada, but I'm not like that. They are just brainwashed. The truth of the matter is the fucking doctors here don't know dick.  My favorite example of this is the time I had a reoccurring sinus infection for 6 months and the dumb doctor kept loading me up with antibiotics, just for me to finally figure out that I had a fucking tooth problem and needed a root canal.

Another fine example of this was when I actually DID have a sinus infection and the doctor told me "nothing is wrong". NOTHING IS WRONG? How can nothing be wrong when I am so sick I can't even lift my head off of my pillow? I was so sick I was sure I was going to die. Having never had a sinus infection before, it was all news to me. My father, THE CAR MECHANIC diagnosed the sinus infection for me. I wrote a nice letter to the doctor telling her to change careers before someone sued her ass for malpractice. I also included a bill because I ended up missing my sister's bachelorette party (THAT I PAID LIKE $500 FOR) because of her stupidity. She never paid it, but it was more to prove a point than anything else.

How about when I went to the dentist and he refused to touch me until I paid what my insurance wouldn't cover, and then he shot me up 5 times with novacaine, however I FELT EVERY FUCKING THING HE DID. I thought I was crazy or maybe it wasn't working or maybe it was a very obscenely deep cavity, however THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO MY HUSBAND!!! When I left that asshole's office I was drenched in sweat. I looked like a refugee!!!! Clearly he had no idea what the fuck he was doing.

Another stupid ass doctor killed my friend. She went in for a routine tube tying and they perforated her bowel and she became septic and died. Nice, right? Or how about the many people I know with CANCER, whose doctors couldn't be bothered listening to their symptoms or thought they were too young to have it and just disregarded their concerns???  All the while they are going from doctor to doctor to doctor and all of the doctors are saying something different and all the while the fucking cancer is eating them alive.

Meanwhile, my filling just fell out and there is a giant fucking hole in my tooth. WHERE SHOULD I GO???? I don't know. All I know is I AM DEAD BROKE and can't afford to go to the fucking dentist even THOUGH I HAVE INSURANCE. WHAT THE FUCK?  I need a fucking dentist who will TAKE what MY INSURANCE pays and LEAVE IT AT THAT! Otherwise, seriously, JUST PULL MY FUCKING TEETH OUT.

So I'm just saying, I'll take my chances with the Canadian doctors.  They can't be WORSE. And the Canadians don't have to pay anything. While I'm at it, I'll take a Canadian education as well. Because my GIANT student loan hasn't done me any favors either.

Canada, I love you, eh.  I will sew a flag on my backpack and start eating peameal*.

Love,
ME

*I didn't know what peameal was either. It's ham. Check out http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_peameal_bacon for a full explanation.

Fucking Moron:

Fucking Moron:

Great job playing 007 on the Wii. Nice LAME-O attempt at acting like you are bonding with Middle Spawn over dumb ass video games.

But while you sat there, with your mouth ajar and drool dripping down, and your eyes glazed over, using that stupid gun controller, Baby Spawn was falling down the stairs.

Jackass.

How many times can we get lucky with Baby Spawn falling down the stairs? This is like the THIRD time and might I add, all three times have been under YOUR watch.

Keep in mind, when CPS comes, if I have to choose between you and my kids, YOU LOSE, hands down.

Straighten out.

Retard.

Love,
ME

Note to Self 25

Note to Self 25

How nice to have a meeting with the head of Middle Spawn's pre-school and walk out realizing that the entire time you were speaking to her, Baby Spawn had pulled your shirt off and your bra was hanging out.

Just lovely.

Can I PLEASE:

Can I PLEASE work for you!!!!! THIS is my dream job:

SUMMER SHUCKER WANTED Cherry Grove, Fire Island: Busy ocean front restaurant needs someone for our raw bar. Duties include shucking clams and oysters. Must also be able to arrange them on a tray. If you know how to shuck, and can do it reasonably quickly then this is the job for you! This is for weekends and holidays of the summer season. Approx. 24 hrs a week at $10/hr. Note well this is in Cherry Grove on Fire Island. You must take the ferry from Sayville to get here. Please respond with your info to set up an interview. Thank you.

I would just LOVE to spend my summer on Fire Island. I absolutely am GREAT at "arranging" shellfish "on a tray". Everyone always compliments me on my fish platters. Anyone can shuck, but it takes a real fucking talent to place shells on a dish.  Who knew that THIS TALENT would parlay itself into a job. WOW!!!!

JJ

Call me!

 

If the fish thing doesn't work out, my only other option is this:

 

Looking for a sign person to work Tuesdays, Wed, and Fridays 9am-3:30 pm and Sundays 10am-5pm. You must be able to stand for 4-6 hours. Must be reliable and must grab attention of drive by traffic by waving and moving around with the sign. Position pays $9 per hour on the books. Position is weather permitting. Please email name and phone # if interested and I will call you.

I really always wanted to be THAT GUY standing on a street corner holding a sign for hours on end. It's my fucking dream. What a career opportunity! I'm totally qualified because with three kids, I don't sit down all day! Please call me! Thanks!

Love,

ME

You Asstard:

You Asstard:

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO OH KING OF THE CASTLE please tell me?

Do you want me to find a job? I am assuming YES as you complain quite frequently about this. OR do you want me to clean the house so that it is sparkling and shining for you to come home to? I am sorry my job search is interfering with my ability to wash dishes. I wonder if and and when I get a job, and am out of the house all day, if it is going to be ok for me to NEVER DO A FUCKING THING AGAIN. You use that excuse quite frequently:  "I HAVE A JOB". Well when I have a job, I guess I get to do nothing at home too. WOO HOO. I can't wait. Because let me tell you something, being at a job is a lot easier than being here. Trust me. YOU SHOULD KNOW. You need to be on anti-anxiety medication just to spend 3 hours a day here.

Let me ask you something: DID YOU EAT DINNER? Did you eat the food I made? If so, then please feel free to clean up. Because I have children to bathe, stories to read to them, laundry to fold, diapers to change, carpets to vaccuum*, and I will get to the dishes when I damn well can.

IF THEY ARE BOTHERING YOU SO FUCKING MUCH, I suggest you DO THEM YOURSELF. Asshole.  Because GUESS WHAT? I don't give a fuck about the dishes. I will get them done just like I always do. I am SO SORRY you have to see a sink full of dishes. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO UNDERSTAND THAT A FULLY COOKED MEAL DOESN'T JUST APPEAR? You have to use dishes and pots and pans.

I can't wait to get a fucking job. Because let me tell YOU something. I won't so much as fucking put a fork in the dishwasher or wash one pair of underwear. I AM DONE being the house bitch.

YOU are angering me. Keep it up and you WILL be sorry. I'm just saying.

Love,
Your Adoring Wife

*And incidentally WHOSE FAULT IS IT THAT I HAVE THIS CARPET TO DEAL WITH??? I WANTED TO STAY WITH MY HARDWOOD FLOORS. Moron.  You know how much fun it is to get pee out of the fucking carpet? With a kid going through toilet training and a baby you would have thought it would be smart to leave the hard wood floors alone, but NOOOOOOO. Daddy knows best. This is probably one of the many reasons why my house smells like a fucking sewer.

Dear Dipshit:

Dear Dipshit:

What's wrong with this ad???? (Besides the fact that it was posted in the HELP WANTED section, meaning people who are looking for JOBS for THEMSELVES will be searching your ad):

ELEMENTARY TUDOR (Long Island)

Elementary Tutor Available: $45 Per hour and flexible pricing options!

Experienced Certified Elementary teacher, located on the south shore of Long Island, Suffolk County, looking to tutor K- grade 6 all subjects in your home, library or my home. Price is $45.00 per hour in my home or $50.00 per hour at your location (may vary due to travel expense). Please call or email to discuss further.

Clearly you know how to spell "TUTOR" as you spelled it right in the actual ad. But REALLY???? I'm supposed to pay YOU $45 an hour to help my child and you are advertising that you are an elementary "tudor" (TUDOR, as in English ruling dynasty (1485-1603), including Henry VII and his descendants Henry VIII, Edward VI, Mary I, and Elizabeth I. OR adj (Fine Arts & Visual Arts / Architecture) denoting a style of architecture of the late perpendicular period and characterized by half-timbered houses)*". 

You are a moron.

Love,

ME

*Thanks http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Tudor.

---

Dear Simpleton:

Dear Simpleton:

How do you think I manage to do anything with the baby here? Clearly, it must be possible to MULTITASK.  I find it hard to believe that you are unable to do so*.  So when I asked you to find BB's black shoes while I was dressing her for school, making her lunch, AND helping her study for her spelling test**, imagine my surprise when you said "Well here, now you have to watch the baby". NEWSFLASH YOU RETARD, I spend my days doing 100 things at once. I get it done. You need to too. Idiot.


Love,
Your Loving Wife


PS - I'm just trying to help make you a better person. Your second wife will thank me.




*Maybe not, you are a MAN. On a side note, I saw a car with two hilarious bumper stickers! One was "Grow Your Own Dope - Plant a Man". The other was "Men Are Not Pigs. Pigs Are Gentle, Sensitive and Intelligent Creatures.


**Ahem. Incidentally, remind me to never EVER let you help our children study for ANYTHING. When I was trying to get BB to spell the word "STATEMENT" the bitch said "so I can't spell 'STATEMENT' who cares? I'll get a 90 I can spell all the other words right". Just so you know, your response "well a 90 is great!" is not appropriate in this situation. A 90 IS great, however that doesn't mean you don't try for 100. You jackass.

        















    

Dear Retard:

Dear Retard*:

Who are you? You are the ONE person who seriously doesn't know who R2D2 is on the poll on the bottom right of this page. 


Please make yourself known to us!!!! Do you really know who he is, and just thought you were being funny?

Idiot.

Love,
ME

*Actually, this is an insult to the mentally challenged. I'm sure even retards have seen Star Wars and know who R2D2 is.

Dear Delta:

Dear Delta:

What the fuck? REALLY?

It's not like these guys were coming home from a fucking vacation and had extra suitcases full of fucking bullshit snowglobes or t-shirts.

In case you forgot, we are in the middle of a fucking war. These guys are protecting YOU. Go ahead and show your appreciation by charging them $200 a bag.

Dickwads.

You airlines and your stupid rules. Fuck you. I wouldn't fly Delta if you gave me a free ticket. Fuck off.

Love,
ME

Dear NYS:

Dear NYS:

I find it hard to believe that I can't afford to send my children to PUBLIC SCHOOL. 

Every Goddamned day there is a freaking notice in my kid's backpack asking me for MONEY. That I don't have. Because you fired everyone, and now I am jobless, and since I am self employed, I can't even get unemployment.

But I digress. 

The point is, my kid is in PUBLIC SCHOOL. I shouldn't have to provide scissors and crayons and pencils. Or tissues and baby wipes and glue sticks. OR TENNIS BALLS FOR THE BOTTOM OF THE CHAIRS. These should already be in a classroom. Next thing you know, I will be having to send my 6 year old to school with his own swivel chair, laptop computer and a Kindle. 

And another thing! WHY DO I have to pick up the slack for all of those people who just DON'T SEND IN THE STUFF?  I can't even afford food, but yet I manage to send my kid in with lunch and snack every single day. Is it fair that the teacher has to bring bags of pretzels to school every day to feed the children whose parents refuse to send them to school with food???? I can't afford all this crap but why do I need to send in more class supplies because half these people can't be bothered sending their kids to school with crayons? IS THIS FAIR? If I am supposed to send my kid to school with his or her name written on each individual magic marker/crayon/pencil/glue stick, then how come it all ends up in a community bin for everyone to use? I'd really rather use my time for something more valuable than figuring out how to fit my kid's name on something as small as a Crayola crayon.

I just find it very difficult to believe that somewhere in the MILLIONS of DOLLARS that each school district spends each year, there isn't ANY money allocated for pencils*.

Maybe we can help each other out:  PAY ME to figure out a solution to this problem. Then we both win. You stop being completely fucking incompetent and useless, and I get to earn a living and pay my ever mounting bills.


Love,
ME

*Or pencil sharpeners. My kid comes home the other day and says "I need more pencils. Mine aren't sharp any more".

To Whom It May Concern:

To Whom It May Concern:

It's nice to know that there is good, honest work to be found out there! Imagine my delight when I came across your ad on Craigslist:

We are currently hiring females to appear in our wrestling videos and promotional photo work. MUST be 18 and have valid ID. Full training provided. PT ...we will work with your availability. Height, weight, size not important. SERIOUS REPLIES ONLY If you have NO interest in being interviewed, then please dont waste our time. For details, send name, age, phone, and pic to feinfeel@yahoo.com Feel free to visit our website for additional infomation http://www.feinfeelfilms.com/

It is odd, though, how your wrestlers seem to resemble amateur Porn Stars.  Is porn part of the job description? In fact, is wrestling even part of the job? It seems to me that beating each other up in their underwear could hardly be described as "wrestling".

"Wrestling" is :"a sport in which two opponents struggle hand to hand in order to pin or press each other's shoulders to the mat or ground, with the style, rules, and regulations differing widely in amateur and professional matches. Compare catch-as-catch-can ( def. 3 ) , Greco-Roman ( def. 3 ) " *  I'm not sure that an underwear clad girl slamming another underwear clad girl's face into mud qualifies as wrestling, at least according to this definition.

Also, it seems to me that your so called wrestlers do not appear to be wrestlers, but rather bad lingerie models:

Is crappy at home wanna be lingerie modelling a prerequisite? Just need some info before I send my resume in. I wouldn't want you to think I was wasting your time.

Thanks!

Love,
ME

P.S. - if height, size, weight, etc. "don't matter" why do I have to send a pic?

*Thank you http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/wrestling

.

Note to Self 24:

Note to Self 24:

It's bad news when Middle Spawn spends 10 minutes jumping up and down on Baby Spawn's stomach, as if Baby Spawn is a trampoline. 

What's worse is that you didn't notice, because Baby Spawn, rather than retching and screaming with pain, was laughing his ass off.

Have Baby Spawn checked out by a doctor. Maybe he has that disease where you feel no pain (Anhidrosis, according to http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6379795/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/t/rare-disease-makes-girl-unable-feel-pain/)?

Note to Self 23

Note to Self 23:

Good job getting the mail today.  Maybe YOU are the one who needs a neurologist, since you dropped all the mail into the fish pond. That was super, super graceful of you.

It was great fun carrying Baby Spawn while trying to balance on the rocks and not fall in yourself while Middle Spawn screamed over and over again "DON'T FALL IN! YOU'RE GONNA FALL IN. BE CAREFUL. DON'T DROP THE BABY IN!"

Unfortunately the bills weren't wet enough to have the ink smear. Your balance sadly was clearly visible.  Time for you to take a Xanax with a Chardonnay chaser and go lay on the couch.

Just BREATHE.

Dear Jovians

Dear Jovians*:

Here is what I don't get: how can we be in the year 2011, and yet it is still blatantly obvious that this society puts the needs and desires of males way ahead of females?

For instance, why do you cancel girls lacrosse/soccer/t-ball/whatever practice on a beautiful day? ANSWER: Because the boys needed the field, and they are more important than girls.  What a nice lesson to teach our daughters.  I can't wait for my 7 year old to grow up and become a self hating man worshipper.

Here's the thing:  if the girls have the field on a certain day at a certain time, they should play at that time and place. Just because something goes wrong, and the boys can't play at their appointed place doesn't mean that you kick the girls out. We all paid for our daughters to be on the team too, so please at least pretend that you are not sexist pigs.

My girl likes playing sports. AND SHE'S GOOD AT IT. I know you'd rather have her cheering on the sidelines or doing a ballet dance in a frilly tutu, but she would rather run! Kindly get your head out of your ass and return to the 21st century.

Thanks!
Love,
ME

*Jovian = someone from Jupiter (as in boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider get it???).  See http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090212203856AAu9ZEA for a lively discussion on the topic of what people from Jupiter are called.  You really CAN find ANYTHING on the internet.

To Whom It May Concern:

To Whom It May Concern:

I came across your ad on Craigslist:

We are well known egg donation agency, we work with best fertility clinics in the US and are looking for IMMEDIATE MATCH of egg donors with couples who are in urgent need of your help. If you are between 20 and 29 years old, lead a healthy lifestyle, don't smoke or use any illegal drugs, not on any psychothropic medication, don't have any major health problems, willing to be on fertility medication and to go for early morning doctor appointments for approximately 6-10 times throughout 2-3 months, have at least high school diploma, not have piercing or tatoos done in the last 12 months, have great personality you are at the right place. You will be greatly compensated up to $10000 for each donation (6 donations are allowed) and if travel is required and you are willing to travel to another state, all your travel expenses will be paid for you and your companion.
FOR IMMEDIATE MATCH, please complete online application href="http://new.riteoptions.com/index.php?option=com_user&view=register&role=donor">apply here Please NOTE, an application can not be accepted without your photos.

I'm a little old (older than 30), but I have had three kids, and even though they are all completely insane in their own way, they are also really cute.  I'm not on any psychothropic medication, but people do say I am crazy all the time (this has never been confirmed by a medical professional. I'm pretty sure I am fine). My baby gets me up at 6AM so I have no problem with early hours. I'm not stupid either! I have a JD! That's way more schooling than a H.S. Diploma!

Is the smoking and illegal drugs really a problem? I mean crack whores have babies all the time and a lot of them turn out just fine.

I'd send a picture, however I take issue with your requirement that I must submit a photograph of myself. Ugly people have cute babies all the time.

Looking forward to hearing from you!*

Sincerely,
ME

*Again, please take note! I am not really donating my eggs. Clearly, this is a joke about how ridiculous it is to post this on Craigslist. Especially if it is a so called "well known" egg donation agency.  So don't go calling my mom up and telling her I'm selling off her unborn grandchildren. It's a J-O-K-E.

Note To Self 22:

Note to Self 22

Hopefully you will get to relax on your girls weekend trip to A.C., because your plan of spending an hour at the salon relaxing and getting your haircut backfired big time.

I know you thought it would be nice to get your hair washed, cut and styled. You should have known! Remember that time you went to dinner and got a massage with A? After a lovely dinner, it was spa time, and the masseuse you ended up with was a complete lunatic. All she did was bitch and complain:

        "My boyfriend beats me"

         "I can't afford to pay my bills"

         "My carpal tunnel syndrome is starting up again"

         "My baby daddy won't pay his child support"

And on and on and on and on it went. When you left there, you were so stressed out and tense, you actually looked WORSE than when you went in. What a fucking nightmare.

Anyway, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise to you when you went to the hair salon, and the bitch doing your hair was completely insane. Because every time you decide to do something for yourself, it always backfires in your face. You desperately need this:

After the crazy bitch tried to convince you to sell your hair for extensions, she then went on to explain that she had a 9 year old step son who she "didn't want" and was sending back to the Dominican Republic to go live with his mother who is a "disgusting, horrible person".  (I know, I know, this doesn't seem so bad. I mean maybe the kid is really evil right? Maybe he's the next Jeffrey Dahmer or something But NO. Apparently the kid is really sweet, and good. She just doesn't want him.  She said she has her own two kids and gets annoyed that she has to spend money on the step kid).

So much for relaxation. Goodbye inner peace, hello depression!

Go buy the t-shirt and stick to drinking jugs of wine to calm you down.  At least if you are drinking alone, your only problem will be that there is nothing to watch on TV*. 
 *Thanks Cablevision.

Just So You Know:

Just So You Know:

It is in no way acceptable for me to feed three kids breakfast, dress them, throw dinner in the crockpot and make BB lunch for school while you watch the YES Network with your coffee.

Just FYI.

Love,
ME