Dear Morons:

Dear Morons:

St. Valentine was a priest who was beaten with clubs and had his head chopped off on February 14, 270.
I fail to see the romance.

He is the Patron Saint of Epilepsy, Fainting and the Plague.  Also, he is the Patron Saint of bee keepers. 

 AND the Patron Saint of Greeting Card Manufacturers. Hmmmmmm. I wonder how that one came about.* There is no love or hearts happening in this pic of St. Val.  Although there are some fat baby Cupid looking angels up there.

And what's with that dumb fat baby Cupid? He looks sweet and innocent, but he was a real fucking creep!


He was a jerk!! He didn't want people to fall in love and live happily ever after. He shot them in the ass with those arrows for the entertainment of the Gods. They were all up there laughing at us humans. Why he's a symbol of Valentine's Day and love, I will never know. I do know that everyone pretty much acts like a bunch of fucking psychos around Valentine's Day so I guess Stupid Cupid is still doing his job.

Who do we REALLY have to thank for Valentine's Day???**

It's Geoffrey Chaucer's fucking fault you have to put out on Valentine's Day. Thanks a lot douche!!!! That's right, the same jackass who tortured you with the Canterbury Tales in 11th grade will continue to torture you every February for the rest of your life. He wrote some dumb poem about stupid humping birds*** and that's pretty much why the Patron Saint of bee keepers gets all the credit - because birds got it on on February 14th, the day he was beheaded. Nice.

Anyway, do me a fucking favor and stop with all this crazy love shit. It's making me insane.

Happy Valentine's Day!
Love,
Me.

*St. Valentine is certainly taking care of the people at Hallmark.  Americans are projected to exchange over 180 million Valentine's Day Cards NOT including the stupid ass ones you exchange in elementary school. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11326907/ns/business-small_business/

**Certainly not St. Valentine, the Patron Saint of the Plague!!!!

***I fucking hate birds. They are my LEAST favorite animal. Seriously. Anyway, if you want to read some fucking Chaucer, and I use the word "read" although God help you if you can get through it or understand it since it is practically in a different language, you can find it here: http://www.suite101.com/content/chaucer---the-first-valentines-day-poem-a328492