Dear Dumbass:

Dear Dumbass:

You are a moron.

Not that I'm the greatest baker or can give Ace of Cakes a run for his money, but I really think that this cake for Middle Spawn's birthday party is EASILY IDENTIFIABLE:

While this is not my best work, as the cake is collapsing in the middle, among other imperfections, I think it is obvious that this cake IS NOT A TRAIN but rather R2D2, who is a character in a much beloved film, maybe you've heard of it? It's called Star Wars.  A lot of people seem to like it.

One of my friends says I am being too hard on you, because you only have daughters, however I believe that even if all you had was a pack of housecats, you would know who R2D2 is. EVERYONE KNOWS WHO R2D2 is.  I challenge you all to take (yet another) poll at the end of this blog just to prove that I am right, and that there is no one on this planet BESIDES YOU who does not know who R2D2 is. 

In the meantime, maybe you should try to brush up on your pop culture. Let me help you! You can buy the complete collection of Star Wars right here!

Love,

ME

Dear Middle Spawn:

Dear Middle Spawn:

Once again let me thank you for soiling yourself at the most inopportune of moments.  While sitting in the park watching your sister's soccer practice, with a screaming baby in the car, YOU, who can whip it out anywhere and go, chose to pee your pants.

How wonderful we had to be at swimming lessons immediately following soccer.

Even more wonderful was the fact that I had no clothes for you.

Sorry to humiliate you by dressing you in a pair of your sister's long johns that she happened to have in her soccer bag.  Maybe cross dressing will scare you into peeing somewhere OTHER than your pants.

In the meantime, in Belgium there is a statue of a boy who supposedly saved Brussels by peeing on it when it was on fire. Keep in mind, this boy is a hero because he peed NOT IN HIS PANTS*.

Love you,
Mommy

*Check it out:  http://www.traveleurope360.com/catch-the-amusing-statue-of-the-pissing-boy-manneken-pis.html By the way, I LOVE Belgium.

To Those Who Need Anger Management:

To Those Who Need Anger Management:

Please stay home from Board of Ed meetings if you are going to be belligerent.  This goes for members of the Board as well. 

First of all, as Board Members, your job is to at least PRETEND like you are listening to the people of this community who have something to say. It may seem like NOTHING to you, but getting up in front of the entire town takes balls for a regular person. I'm not saying you have to like what they are saying, or even listen to them at all if they seem like they are nuts (which you can tell about 30 seconds after they start speaking) BUT YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE YOU ARE LISTENING.

On the other hand, I don't want it to seem like I am picking on you, because I am not.  Those in the audience SHOULD NOT single you out and scream at you for various reasons (number one being that you don't want to listen and would rather text on your phone or scratch your balls or talk to your neighbor or whatever).

Also, can you people who have stuff to say maybe write it down or something? I get public speaking is scary, but honestly don't try to wing it. Really, most people are not good at it. A monkey or a small child could do a better job than some of you.  You seriously make no sense whatsoever and it is impossible to follow what you are saying. Maybe you ARE saying something important, but who the hell can tell?  Now I would never stand up and yell at you for sounding like a retard because that would be COUNERPRODUCTIVE and solve nothing.

Can't we all just get along???

Love,
ME

Dear Fashion Victim:

Dear Fashion Victim:

I do love orange, AND wear orange frequently, my friends can attest to this fact. But THIS is just 100% wrong. Contact a stylist ASAP. And please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do something with that hair.

Love,
ME

PS - Unless you are a pimp, this is inappropriate business attire.

Note to Self 10:

Hey Moron:

Make sure when you are trying to get the stroller out of the car YOU DO NOT GRAB IT BY THE TRAY.  That shit detaches, and WILL wack you right in your forehead, causing a big ass unattractive bump, and pain for weeks.

Jackass.

Dear Dumbass Bitch:

Dear Dumbass Bitch*:

You must be confused. I know they use radiation to COMBAT cancer but the fact is that exposure to radiation actually CAUSES cancer**. This is a fact, and you are a fucking moron. I wish someone would sew your mouth shut, because you get dumber by the minute.

Love,
ME

PS. You are an asshole.

*Ann Coulter

**Yes Ann Coulter thinks radiation is good for you. Check this out. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/03/18/2011-03-18_ann_coulter_talks_japan_earthquake_tsunami_with_bill_oreilly_radiation_is_good_f.html

Dear Idiot:

Dear Idiot:

You do realize that having you around in the mornings is like having a fourth kid??

It is not normal for an adult to be making faces at me, groping me, or mooning me while I am trying to have a phone conversation AND make my kids breakfast.

Also, when I asked you to grab the salami out of the fridge and you couldn't find it, you ripped apart two other bags of cold cuts like a frustrated 10 year old boy.

AND when you opened the cabinets and went scrounging around for a thermos, you knocked all kinds of sippy cups out of the way.

The kids also LOVED that you let them eat their breakfast tacos in the living room while watching SpongeBob. I LOVED how, like a teenage boy, you just LEFT the breakfast dishes there when you went to go take your shower, AND while I was scrubbing down the kitchen, the baby stood up and threw the leftover eggs all over the living room carpet. Do you have ANY idea how much fun it is to get scrambled eggs out of carpet?

Please grow up before I slap you.

Thanks.

Love,
ME

To the Ensembly Challenged:

To the Ensembly Challenged:

Yeah. It is wholly inappropriate for you to wear a dress that looks like it belongs at the beach to a fucking black tie wedding!

What is wrong with you????

Black tie = evening gown NOT flip flops and a fucking sun dress.

MORON!

Love,
Me

Dear Sunshine, Honeysuckle and Roses:

Dear Sunshine, Honeysuckle and Roses:

I am 33 years old. If I want to say "fuck" I can, and my mommy can't stop me. If she sends me to my room, it's unlawful imprisonment and if she washes my mouth out with soap it is assault.

If you are offended by my language, stop reading this. In the meantime, this is for you:

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Have a nice day!

Love,
ME

To Whom It May Concern:

To Whom It May Concern*:

Where the fuck is my tax return? I'm dying here. I realize you are also broke, but out of the two of us, only you have the ability to print money without doing time.

Kindly get it to me ASAP.

Thanks.

Love,
Me

P.S. NYS you are even worse! Give me my money you Loser!

*Federal Government

Dear *@$#****:

Dear Fuck:

Kindly explain to me why it is ok for me to drive the kid to school in my bathrobe when she has to be in early*, but for in order for you to do it, you have to be showered, dressed and have your hair in order?

I really love your new hours. You are always around to help me with the kids in the morning, just like you said**.

The SAD thing is YOU think you are indispensible here! You actually said "You only have to drive the kid one day a week, and you can't manage it". I ONLY ASKED FOR HELP because I had spent all morning feeding 3 kids while YOU slept in, I dressed them, I studied with her for the math test*** and YOU did NOTHING.

YOU are an asstard.

Love,
ME


*I don't get out of the car, I just drop her off.

**Ahem. Sarcasm = A tongue of which the user speaks of something the complete opposite of what the user means. It often has the best comedic value.
Ex: "I'm okay. Don't mind the gaping wound and the sword protruding from my back. I'm fine. Feel like a million fucking bucks, dammit."

***See post titled Dear Assface

****My mom yelled at me for cursing too much.

Note to Self 9:

Note to Self #9:

While looking in the mirror last night I realized that I have those "parentheses" they talk about on those Juvederm commercials. I am considering Botox, and will be taking the money from my husband and children because they are the reason I am wrinkling prematurely.  Immediately, the following memories came to mind:

After a shit ass day (because it's always a shit ass day), the screen door was locked because Middle Spawn is Houdini and escapes the house otherwise. So my retard husband gets home and he's knocking on the door. Houdini had been in the bath, but I guess he heard the knocking and got out of the tub and ran to the door stark naked. I get to the door after him, because he is quicker then me, and I see Retard's stupid mouth saying the words "What goes on here when I'm not home"? Well, that was it. IT WAS ON!


I just didn't open the door. The kids aren't capable of undoing the lock (It's really hard, sometimes even I have trouble). I went about my business while the jackass that I married continued knocking on the door.


Finally he must have had a brain wave and asked Oldest Spawn to get my mother to let him in. I would have thought he would have just gone in through my mom's apartment but I guess that would have required synapses firing so that's just asking too much.


Anyway, you would have thought he learned his lesson, but he's obviously not too bright. This morning he started right in with more of his shit.... how the whole house would fall apart without him here and how he does everything.....


I mean AM I IN THE FREAKIN TWILIGHT ZONE? He "cleans up" but really he's making more work for me. Here are examples:


1) He loads the dishwasher like a retarded person. Every time he loads the dishwasher, I must rewash all those dishes.


2)At Middle Spawn's bithday party, we had the bouncy castle in the yard & the genius puts a blanket outside so the kids wouldn't get their feet dirty (granted that was a decent idea). But instead of letting the blanket be an outside blanket (it was one of those Mexican blankets I have a zillion and use them for the beach, etc., even when I use it for the beach I LEAVE IT IN THE CAR it's an OUTSIDE blanket). Well he takes this filthy disgusting dirty blanket with bugs and who knows what on it AND THROWS IT IN MY HAMPER!! Well we've had an ant infestation ever since.


3) Speaking of the hamper, when Middle Spawn has a bathroom "accident" and pisses or shits himself, instead of rinsing those clothes and underwear he just throws it in the hamper. He is CRAZY. While sorting the laundry this morning I almost passed out from the sewer stank. PLUS a turd fell out of Middle Spawn's pants while I was sorting the laundry. THANKYOU Retard!!!!!!!!!!!!


4)Instead of taking the garbage out like a normal person when it was full, he just stuffs more trash in there so that it is impossible to pull the garbage bag out without it ripping everywhere, I've had to on more than one occasion take the entire garbage pail outside and turn it upside down in the big black garbage can outside. I'M SO LUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I really am the LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD! THANK YOU RETARD! AND THANKYOU RETARD'S PARENTS FOR RAISING SUCH A GEM!


I mean REALLY what would I DO WITHOUT HIM????? HE DOES EVERYTHING FOR ME AND I'D JUST DIE if he wasn't here HELPING ME SO MUCH.


Give me a freakin break. The sad part is that he really BELIEVES that he does everything! God help me.

And then I wonder WHY I am prematurely aging???? HUH! The moral of the story is: BYE BYE COLLEGE FUND, HELLO BOTOX FUND.

Dear Whore:

Dear Whore*:

Enough already. I'm sick of this shit! Where the fuck is summer? I am sorry to say that you are the absolute WORST of the four seasons!!!

Love,
ME

*Spring

Dear Cyndi Lauper Wannabe:

Dear Cyndi Lauper Wannabe:

I must apologize to you, because it seems that the freaks ACTUALLY do come out during the day. 

I know this because it is not even 3PM yet, and I've already had to curse out two old fucks and restrain myself from punching a cashier in the head.

Explain this to me, WHY, just because someone is OLD, does that mean that the rest of the world has to fucking bow down to them? This guy was Superdouche, King of all Douches. Apparently, he wanted me to reverse, thereby crashing my car into the girl in the big white truck who was behind me at the light. All so he can get into the gas station. Which he could have gotten in at one of the other entrances, but NO. He'd rather cause a 5 car pile up by having me reverse into cars stopped at a red light. No worries buddy, you own this planet.

THEN another old fuck in the grocery store had to feel my wrath because it was too much of an effort for him to GO AROUND my cart when I stopped to take out my screaming baby (poor baby had been dragged on errands ALL MORNING and was NOT happy). He stood behind me shaking his head. So I screamed at him, because REALLY someone NEEDS to let these people know they are acting like fucking jackasses. I screamed "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD AT"??*, but he didn't answer me. Jerkoff.

THEN the Mother of all Assholes**, there I am in the store making copies of pictures on the scanner***, and I have a coupon for 20 free prints. Well I only made 10. FREE RIGHT???? Oh NO. Because apparently you can only use this coupon if the stars align, you are paying in Australian dollars, and wearing an apple green thong.  I AM SO SICK OF THESE STUPID ASS STORES AND THEIR STUPID ASS BULLSHIT RULES WITH THE COUPONS.  It's total bullshit. Apparently I have to have made copies of 20 pictures to get them all free. EVEN WHEN I SAID I WOULD just forfeit the other 10 pictures, NOPE. Meanwhile does this make any sense??? THEY are benefitting from this because I would only be getting 10 free pictures instead of 20.  It's always the same bullshit with these coupons. One store is worse than the other.

So I apologize "Cyndi", for calling you a freak.  I'd rather be dancing and hanging out with you than dealing with any of the above asstards ANY DAY. Please accept my sincerest of apologies.

Love,
ME

*I know, I KNOW the no cursing thing is really not working out for me.

**In this case it is Target, but really it could be any of the following, take your pick a) Macy's, b) Old Navy, c) Sears, d) the Children's Place, e) etc., etc., etc.,  I could go on FOREVER ad nauseum with all the stupid fucking stores and their stupid fucking rules.....

***My sister in law is divorced and we are meeting a new guy she is kind of seeing or whatever. Meanwhile, her wedding pics have been hanging on my wall in a big collage frame. Had to get rid of it before they get here so I put holiday pics in! Nothing like waiting til the last minute. BUT MEANWHILE I screwed one up so one part of the collage is empty. Now I gotta go back, and try  not to punch the bitch behind the counter AGAIN.  UGH it is SO HARD being me!

Dear Freaks:

Dear  Freaks:

It is so very true that you come out at night. 

While enjoying a nice evening out with friends we were very amused by all of you, especially the 50 year old Cyndi Lauper wannabe.  NOTE:  No one your age should have that hair. In fact, NO ONE who is NOT Cyndi herself should have that hair!!! Please She Bop your way to the salon. Your True Colors are NOT beautiful.

Also, when you are selling bamboo rings to fund your trip to New Mexico* try to make sure they fit on people's fingers. All of them were the size of cock rings for midgets**.  Also, maybe you should sell your iphone 4 and stop buying people drinks if you are trying to save money for your trip, but what do I know?

Love,
ME

P.S. I know Girls Just Wanna Have Fun but really we could do it without the So Unusual hair.

*To build houses made out of tin cans and rubber tires with a company called Earth Ships  http://www.earthships.com/

**Words of a fellow bar goer

You are Stupidity Itself:

You are Stupidity Itself:

According to Albert Einstein, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

You can thank HIM for my making an appointment for you at a shrink's office.

I don't know how many times I have to tell you DO NOT PUT PANS WITH FOOD ON THEM IN THE DISHWASHER. YET YOU DO THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN and act shocked when the dishes do not come out clean. I love how you blame the dishwasher and say it sucks when really the problem is that you are insane.

In fact, I seem to remember having told you NOT to touch the dishes at all. All it does is make more work for me. Yet you keep on doing it.

You are an insane stupid jackass.

Love ya,
ME

PS - STEP AWAY FROM THE DISHES, stay out of my kitchen, just BACK THE FUCK OFF!

Thanks

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

You Stupid Fuck:

You Stupid Fuck:

Just because I need to go hang out with my friends and drink wine every night does not mean "something fishy is going on".

I know it is hard for YOU to understand because you rarely spend a full day alone with your spawn, BUT IT IS HARD WORK.

And after a long day, I need a fucking drink*. YOU of all people should understand. ALSO it is way easier to get shit done sans** children. So when I need to go shopping, return something, etc., it is easier to do it after you get home and can sit with the kids*** and what's NICE is that I have friends who are willing to keep me company when I have to do all these boring ass errands. AND SO WHAT IF THERE IS BOOZE AT THE END OF IT****.

In conclusion, LEAVE ME ALONE, stop whining and GET OVER IT.

Love you,
ME


*Sound familiar to you??

**That's French for "without".

***For a whopping 15 minutes!!!!! They go to fucking bed 15 minutes after you get home!!!!!!!!

****At least I am not drinking alone. Ahem.......

Note to Self # 8

Dear Retard*:

Giving up cursing for Lent was a stupid** idea.  I don't think it's gonna happen, but God knows I'm trying.

Love,
ME

*Retard is not a curse.

**Neither is stupid, no matter what the oldest kid says.

Dear That Who Shall Not Be Named:

Dear That Who Shall Not Be Named*:

How sad that I am writing you YET AGAIN about your suckass service. Last night, after a long day, I lay in bed wanting nothing else but to watch TV and wind down.

It was like God was playing a cruel joke on me.  First, I flipped to channel 191 to watch the Golden Girls**.  For some reason, that channel is blacked out.  Then I flipped over to channel 303 to watch Clueless***. No dice. Also blacked out. Now I'm reaching for ANYTHING. Because at over $200 a month, we all know the programming sucks. I try for Two and Half Men. Only channel 11 doesn't come in either. And last but not least, I tried to watch the Nanny. No dice.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OVER THERE?? Why do only some channels work and others don't? You guys suck. I want a credit for the months of suffering I have to go through. Meanwhile on demand doesn't work either. I tried to watch Glee and it wouldn't play. I HATE YOU SO MUCH I HOPE A DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER GOES IN THERE AND FIREBOMBS THE ENTIRE PLACE. I wouldn't be surprised if and when that happens.

Again, thanks for holding my fucking e-mail address hostage. I have to get rid of you, but the husband and I are fighting over where we should go next. Also, I don't want to be charged $85 for a remote that I can't find. Until then,

Go Fuck Yourself,
ME

*Cablevision
**Don't laugh. It's a good show.
***Best movie ever! AND I could identify as I felt impotent and out of control after channel 303 ALSO did not work.

To All the Shmucks in La La Land:

To All the Schmucks in La La Land*:

Yeah, I have a problem with you. Constantly, movies are about "poor" people. But I WISH I could be a poor person in one of your movies. Because those poor people are still dressed in designer clothes, and going out all night having fun, AND not making their own breadcrumbs out of the ends of the bread that no one wants to eat, and recycling bottles to get money off of their groceries.

They ALL have these spacious, beautiful homes/apartments/whatever. They all drive REALLY nice cars, and never map out the way they will go based on where the gas station is, how much gas they will use, etc.  OK fine, Susan Delfino on Desperate Housewives had to move into a "crappy" motel and create fetish videos because she was so poor. BUT honestly, that crap motel room was furnished better than my house, AND she looks damn good! That lingerie was designer.  Plus, her kidney is failing and she has no problem with her insurance company. If it were me, I'd be dead already.  My insurance company doesn't pay for anything AND most dumbass doctors won't touch you til after you pay them.

And another thing, how ridiculous is it that all these movies that have well off characters who do reallty cool  jobs that don't actually require them to do any work at all, and also in real life, would never earn them any money, e.g., writer, actor, dancer, whatever????? They just all sit at home while the money rolls in.

This is bullshit. Get a clue. Dress the bitch in jeans from Target that are 5 years old and a fucking free t-shirt she got from applying for a credit card that is now maxed out because she doesn't have enough cash for gas or groceries.

Thanks for listening, retards.

Love,
Me

*Hollywood

Dear Brats:

Dear Brats:

I just wanted to thank you for making my life a living hell yesterday. 

It was so special when you, Brat Daughter, decided you were starving to death 30 seconds before we were walking out the door for swimming lessons.  I, being a fantastic mother, offered you 1000 different (healthy) snacks, all of which were unacceptable to you, but you didn't stop screaming.  The best was when you screamed on the front steps uncontrollably for all the neighborhood to see.  Then, when I pulled out of the driveway (to scare you, to make you think we were leaving without you, TO GET YOU IN THE CAR), you kicked the side of my car and banged on it with your fists like a monkey in a cage at the zoo. I so love being the neighborhood crazies.

It's always great breaking the law. I love how you refused to wear your seatbelt and cried hysterically the whole way to your lesson. The highlight came when I punished you for being a pain in the ass and said no Wii for the rest of the weekend.  Then the screaming REALLY started.

I love looking insane in public, it's my favorite hobby, so I must especially thank you for letting me drag you out of the car with one had while pushing your baby brother in his stroller with the other hand. I'm sure the owners of the gym where you swim appreciate your mopping the floor for them. I certainly enjoyed dragging you by one arm to the pool while you laid on the floor screaming and everyone at the juice bar watched.  It's nice entertaining people.  (Thankfully Middle Spawn Brat was behaving PERFECTLY. Ha ha ha.  Can you say, "calm before the storm")

The icing on the cake was ripping your clothes off and dumping you on the pool steps into your coach's waiting arms. It took a lot of restraint (I should be commended!!!!) not to throw your sorry ass right in there and run away.

But SADLY it doesn't end here. Because even though you cheered right up for your coach and enjoyed a relaxing dip in the pool, YOUR BROTHER, Middle Spawn Brat decided to really do something that was the pinnacle of the entire night.

He took a shit in the pool*. Oh yes. Although, according to him, he "DID NOT!! It just appeared there after someone flushed the toilet". Which is a nice theory, I suppose.  It was so nice when the pool had to be CLOSED for the rest of the night, and the people waiting for their lesson had to be sent home. GREAT TIMES.

Then I come home,make dinner, and your father, love of my life comes home, gets dressed and goes out for a relaxing night. It's great! He deserves it. Really.  It must be hard at work all day listening to music and eating lunch without anyone harassing you.  I'm so lucky too. I can tell how much he loves me by the sink full of dishes and overflowing garbage pail. It's also nice when he walks out the door without saying goodbye, and I'm talking to air thinking he's still there. It's also great when I thought he was watching the baby but instead the baby was in my room chewing on vacuum wires. 

What a great day! I must apologize in advance to you, as I will not be coming home for the rest of the weekend. I hope you don't miss me too much.

Jerks.

Love,
Mommy

*People are telling me not to blame him. However who else could it have been???????? Really?????

Dear Bitches:

Dear Bitches:

I know you are very busy spending your husbands' money getting coffee and pedicures, but seriously, how hard is it to send an e-mail and say you can or cannot come to my kid's birthday party?

You are a bunch of thundercunts. I should have known not to invite any of you when none of the class mothers stepped up to organize a group Christmas gift for the teachers*.  You're a bunch of bitches, and I will be laughing while I eat my fried calamari at the party**. 

I just wanted to see how middle spawn interacts with his class outside of the classroom setting. I don't want to be your friend or anything, I just wanted to serve you some shellfish and a glass of white wine. I really don't care if you come or not because it's less money for me to spend on the party and less crap for me to keep in my house!! Fewer people = fewer presents (trust me the kid is not in need of more shit, nor do we have room for it).  I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO IS COMING SO I CAN FIGURE OUT GOODY BAGS, FOOD, ETC.

Let me be clear, THIS IS ABOUT COMMON COURTESY, and you bitches are too busy waiting on line at Starbucks and getting bikini waxes to fucking send out an e-mail. I'm not chasing you down either. Show up, don't show up, whatever, but if you show up and I didn't know you were coming, YOUR kid will not have a goody bag and I will make sure that they know the reason is because their mother is an asshole.

Fuck off bitches and get a clue!

Love,
ME

*Which is SUCKY. Because then they end up with 20 little pieces of shit gifts that no one wants. EXCEPT MY GIFT which was the best! Because I gave them booze. Because after spending your days with 20+ 4 year olds you need a little pick me up.

**That's right, look what you will be missing, you twats. Because I don't believe in pizza for adults. I believe in calamari and mozzarella and roasted pepper salad and garlic knots and wine for adults.

Dear Baby:

Dear Baby:

Thanks for peeing on my pants just as we were about to run out the door for your big sister's lacrosse practice.

I love the scent of urine in the evening. It's better than my Harajuku perfume. 

Why is it that the penis is completely out of control from birth???? It's uncanny!

Love you,
Mama

Dear Fucktard:

Dear Fucktard:

Hi! I really love you, but if you touch my stuff again and forget where you put it, I will serve you your balls on a platter.And while we are at it, let's go through some important household information:

1.  That white thing in the bathroom? That's called a hamper. You put your dirty clothes* in it.
2.  You are not allowed to load the dishwasher EVER AGAIN. Pots and pans with crusted food all over them DO NOT go in the dishwasher**. I don't know how many times I have to tell you. Jackoff.
3.  Black garbage pail = recyclables. White garbage pail = regular garbage. COME ON HOW HARD IS IT??????????
4.  Stuffing things into the closet*** does not = cleaning.

That's all for now.

Until Next Time,
Your Loving Wife

*Please note, "dirty clothes"  DO NOT include the following:
1.  Shirts that you try on in the morning before work, but then decide NOT to wear. Instead of throwing these shirts in the hamper, please rehang them in your closet. Retard.
2.  Nighttime Pull Ups stuck in the boy's PJ bottoms (How about you take off his pants, then his diaper, and throw the diaper in the garbage? Twat)
3.  Crayons left in the kids' pockets (also, chapstick, money, bottle caps, etc.)
FYI - http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_get_crayon_out_of_fabric
2 max amounts (line 3) of concentrated Tide
1 cup Oxiclean
1/2 cup 20 mule team Borax
1 cup Shout liquid
1 cup white vinegar

Took out dried crayon melted onto clothes! I also should note that I used Shout with the brush top as a pretreater, then poured all this into the washer with the clothes! YEAH!

**Just because you are banned from the dishwasher does NOT mean you are banned from washing dishes by hand. So hop to it.
***Why do you think MY closet is your fucking dumping ground? If you want to fucking hide things in a closet, HIDE THEM IN YOUR OWN FUCKING CLOSET. Mine is OFF LIMITS.   Also I have a system for the linens you dickwad!!!!! I saw it on The View. It was GREAT. Store your sheet sets inside a pillowcase (among other things) Here take a look and see for yourself: http://shine.yahoo.com/event/haven/tricks-to-whip-your-linen-closet-into-shape-2394546

Dear Feline Fucks:

Dear Feline Fucks:

I think I have developed an allergy to you fucks. Because I have had hives and can't determine the cause, but then YOU came and sat on my arm and here is what happened within minutes:


You bitches are on thin ice. One wrong move and it's to the pound you go!!!!!

Love,
Your Human Mommy

Dear Feline Asstard:

Dear Feline Asstard:

Thanks so much for puking all over my keyboard, envelopes, day planner, etc. It was really great of you.

It's bad enough your kitty brother and human siblings are all on antibiotics, now you have to go and get all pukey. WTF is your problem?

You are a jerk.

With love,

Your Human Mommy

Dear Cancer:

Dear Cancer:

Go fuck yourself. I fucking hate you.  I really can't wait til we fucking destroy you once and for all.

Love,
ME

P.S.  Stop fucking with my friends and loved ones you fucking scumbag. Thanks.

FYI:

FYI:

In case you didn't know, the following ARE NOT what anyone on this planet would consider clean, SO if THIS comes out of the dishwasher*, PLEASE put it in the sink to be re-washed:

How do you NOT notice this shit on the spoon? Just out of curiousity. Seriously!!!!! I found this in my silverware drawer contaminating all my other utensils.

Really. How many times do I have to tell you? DO NOT PUT PANS IN THE DISHWASHER. Especially pans that look like this!!! YOU NEED TO BRILLO THIS SHIT OFF FIRST. What the fuck is wrong with you???

Peanut butter in a cup for my and middle spawn's favorite chocolate ice cream with a scoop of peanut butter. Meanwhile, WASH THE CUP OUT FIRST BEFORE PUTTING IT IN THE DISHWASHER. In case you haven't noticed, PEANUT BUTTER IS STICKY!

Seriously, what is this crusty shit on my spatula? I'm guessing from when you fried yourself some eggs. Hint: Do not put the spatula in the fucking dishwasher with chunks of egg still hanging off of it.

View from the front. Seriously, what is wrong with you? You need a psychiatric evaluation.

I don't even know what the fuck is going on here. I don't even want to know. All I know is that there is a sink full of supposedly clean dishes (clean according to you) waiting for me to REWASH. Cause I don't have enough shit to do. Thanks.

Can you see the nastiness in this glass??? It doesn't come out as good in the picture. In person it's lovely. If I were you I would think twice before asking for a drink in my house.

I love how when you put all the dishes in the dishwasher full of crusty disgusting food, it collects in the bottom of my glasses after a run through the dishwasher.

Beautiful!!!!!! ALL GLASSES HAVE TO BE REWASHED. Meanwhile, might I add, YOU emptied the dishwasher and put these BACK IN MY CABINET. I went to make strawberry milk for the oldest and this is what I find. Yum.

Beautiful. I'm lucky I found one clean glass for the kid for breakfast. Will be washing dishes all day while you lounge around on your "sick"** day.

Love ya,
ME

*You are not supposed to be using the dishwasher. I thought we discussed this. PS. - LIPA thanks you for your waste of electricity. Jackoff.

**While you really THINK you are sick, while you are too sick to help out with the kids, you are not too sick for video games, or ESPN.

Dear Stupid Bitch

Dear Stupid Bitch:

Since you were clearly raised by wolves, please let me educate you on the manners and customs of the average human being. 

It is customary in this country to hold the door open for the person behind you.  When you see someone obviously struggling to get into a building, you HELP because it only takes 1 second to open a door EVEN if you are NOT going into that building.  Which makes YOU a truly disgusting, lazy piece of crap.

Now, I know it must be tiring being the example of what not to do.  It's gotta be exhausting to be a huge asshole all of the time.  But what is truly reprehensible is when you are sitting on your fat ass IN A GYM no less ABOUT TO WORK OUT and you see a woman with 3 children - one in her arms, one holding her hand and one trying to help open the door, and 2 gym bags struggling to open the door and you STILL SIT ON YOUR ASS AND DO NOTHING BUT WATCH HER STRUGGLE TO OPEN THE DOOR.

Now maybe I'm expecting too much. This is possible. I always expect that people will hold the door for me BECAUSE I ALWAYS HOLD THE DOOR FOR THEM. So imagine my surprise when a man came RUNNING from INSIDE the gym to hold the door for me while you sat on your lazy ass and watched.

Just so you know, I've been working on not cursing out random people while my kids are around, which is why I didn't rip you a new one while you sat around DOING NOTHING.  Even though my rage was boiling over, I kept it together.  But I do hope that someone slams a door in your face while you are holding a bunch of bags full of really important, breakable stuff. And that everything breaks and your teeth get knocked out and you have two black eyes and a bloody nose. Because YOU are a huge thundercunt*. Go F yourself. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me

*Must give credit where credit is due. This lady is my hero, and I found the word Thundercunt on her page and have adopted it and use it frequently. Love it.  http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=47559866001

ATTN: Idiot

ATTN: Idiot

Nutella does not go in the refridgerator. I don't know how many times I have to say it.

Also, kindly do not put pans that look like THIS in the fucking dishwasher:

It's bad enough that you are such a retard that when you cook eggs, this is the result, but then you just throw it in the dishwasher actually believing it will get clean. You are a moron.

Also, at the risk of sounding repetitive, PLEASE WASH BABY BOTTLES BY HAND AND DO NOT PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER. It doesn't clean them properly*.


Sincerely,

ME

*While we are at it, can we look at what we are taking out of the dishwasher and make sure it is clean before putting it away.   ACTUALLY NEVER FUCKING MIND JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY KITCHEN YOU DOUCHE.

Dear Animals:

Dear Animals:

Are you FUCKING kidding me? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN??????????? What the fuck is wrong with you little shits that THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS????? You little fucks.

I understand that getting juice is the most important thing on earth to you, but, YOUR 8 MONTH OLD BABY BROTHER WAS IN THE HIGHCHAIR ATTACHED TO THE TABLE when the table flipped over (obviously I took the poor child out before I snapped a picture, as his life was in danger).

Also, as you can see, ON THE TABLE WAS AN IRON. And what you can't see is that there was a can of coke on the table which spilled all over your poor baby brother, who is a sticky mess. Although, thank God he dodged the iron.

Meanwhile, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM????? All I am trying to do is sit here and steam some beets while you and the baby watch Sponge Bob and eat some lunch AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.

HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS HAPPEN????? I am at a loss for words. I can't understand how my back is turned for one second checking on my steaming beets and THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS. God help me, I need a fucking spa day*.

Go to your fucking room, and stay there til you are 30. I will slip your dinner under the door, you jerk.

From,
Your Mom.

P.S.
You are a jerk. A big one.

*I will be taking my day of relaxation out of your college fund you jerk. And for whatever your college fund doesn't cover, I am thinking of putting a donation button on the blog, so people can donate for my spa treatments.

Dear Spawn:

Dear Spawn:

Please be advised that it is IMPOSSIBLE to get anything done with your lazy asses cramping my style.

YOU want to go to the library but are incapable of getting your coat on, putting on shoes or finding anything we may need for the trip, e.g., overdue library books/movies, your hat, an umbrella, WHATEVER.

Is there any reason you guys are COMPLETELY HELPLESS*? Seriously, it shouldn't take me 6 hours to get out the front door and start my day**.

Middle Spawn, please explain WHY you are able to cook your own breakfast yet are incapable of putting your shoes on? Oldest Spawn? You are the MOST useless. You do NOTHING!

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? Jerks.

Love ya!
Mommy

P.S. Thanks for breaking my lamp asstards.

*Clearly you must get this from your father.

**Ok so when the baby was sleeping and then when he crapped all over himself as I was walking out the door - THAT wasn't YOUR fault. But HE'S an INFANT and you two are USELESS.

Note to Self #7:

Dear Retardo Me:

Listen, I get you have a lot on your mind, but taking your kid to school at 8AM today for Fit Club when there WAS NO FIT CLUB and it clearly says there was no Fit Club on the paper you have hanging on your kitchen cabinet is RETARDED.

Get a clue & get it together!

PS. Have the kids do the Nickelodeon Fit instead of having to drag them to school at 8AM. Also maybe do some Sudoku or something to get your brain functioning so you can get your shit together.

Jackass.

Love,
ME

Dear Assbag:

Dear Assbag:

It's cute how you are so annoyed and aggravated that your license has expired.  I know that this is because YOU have to go get an eye test, and this is not something I can do for you. It actually requires you putting on your big boy pants, going to the dmv and handling something all on your own*.

Love,
ME

*Let's face it, I'll have to go fucking stand in line with him, chasing kids around my favorite NYS government agency. Woo hoo! Party time.  

Dear Assface:

Dear Assface:

It just shows how great you are that you can't tolerate being around your children for more than 15 minutes at a time.

I left for 5 seconds and asked you to help the daughter with studying for her math test. I even left you a bunch of change so you could physically go over money with her. I specifically told you I had to do religion AND math with her before bed.

That does not mean put the child to bed without doing anything so you can watch the Knick game.

YOU are a jackass, and when our kid fails her math test and goes to hell, we have no one to blame but you.

Thanks again for being so fabulous.

Love you,
ME

Note to Self 6:

Dear Retardo Me:

Throwing your 8 month old in his high chair and leaving him there with a spoon and some food is stupid.

8 month olds need help eating.  8 month olds WANT help eating.

You are a retard.

Love
Me

P.S. This high chair is one of the greatest thing you have ever bought.

To Whom It May Concern:

To Whom It May Concern:

I have solved all of your budgetary woes! It's quite simple really. You can name a building after me or something as a thank you.

FIRST, the teachers, administrators, board members, etc., ALL of their pay gets frozen. I don't get a cost of living increase this year. In fact, I got a pay cut. They will survive without the raises. AND just so you know, I LOVE all of the teachers here. I think teachers work hard and are deserving of anything and everything. BUT right now we are all suffering, so for now, the raises need to go on hold.

THEN have the robotics club make a windmill. THERE! Electric problem solved. Your electric bill goes down to $0. In fact, LIPA pays you!!!!!

NEXT, all the morons who are sitting in In School Suspension, listening to their I-Pods, jerking off, sleeping, scratching their asses, etc., can actually go to WORK as their punishment.  I don't know if you are aware, but getting OUT of class is not a punishment. Out of School suspension is a freakin vacation. So, instead of rewarding bad behavior with time away from class, have the little jerks mow the school lawns, mop the floors, wash the graffiti off of the walls, etc.

Lastly, all the kids in the auto shop? Let them repair all the cars in the district.  That's free labor!!!!

So there you have it! Problem solved!!!!! That should save a few million. 

Love
ME

Dear Fuckwads:

Dear Fuckwads:

You know it is such a treat working for you. I really love it.

I especially love how you never can manage to pay me on time. Also, how even though tax day is right around the corner, the 1099 has just arrived.

Now, the cherry on the sundae of my life is the fact that I worked only 3 days in the entire month of February.  Since August, the work has slowly trickled down to 3 days out of 30. What's beautiful is that no one has said one word about it to me whatsoever, as if it is normal to go from working 20 days a month to 3*.

Now, I can't afford any of my bills, my credit card balances are going up, up and away, and my life is pretty much going down the toilet.

Just writing to say thanks!

Love,
ME

PS- I forgot the VERY BEST part! I can't even collect unemployment since I am technically not an employee!!!! Woo hoo, you guys ROCK! And finding an ACTUAL job where I would be an EMPLOYEE is next to impossible, especially with these spawn to care for.
*2 for the month of March, just got my schedule.