ATTN: Retards

ATTN: Retards

Ok, seriously, is it necessary to have these ridiculous diagrams that no one can understand in lieu of actual descriptive words? How can anyone possibly follow this? It is completely insane. 

I especially love the extra diagrams that really don't involve any steps in the assembly of whatever it is you are putting together.  REALLY, I think it would take less paper to simply write out the assembly instructions.

Somehow, I managed to put this stupid thing I bought for Baby Spawn's first birthday together. Don't ask me how. It certainly wasn't from looking at these stupid fucking pictures that explain nothing. All of those stupid arrows and little conversation balloons that say "CLICK" did NOTHING for me. NOTHING!!!

Who comes up with this shit???? Get a fucking clue!

The best is the stupid Pokemon toy I got today in a Mcdonald's happy meal. That stupid ass toy has directions accompanying it! WHY? It does NOTHING. They've included a piece of paper with the toy that directs you to shake it back and forth. WTF???? And then they complain that the rain forest is being eaten away but we are producing millions of little sqaures of paper with fucking stick figures on it and arrows supposedly indicating you are supposed to shake the stupid toy back and forth.



(I couldn't find mine to scan so I googled it and came up with the above fucking moron. Thank God he's there to help us figure out the fucking toy is a bobble head or what on Earth would we have done???? P.S. What kind of LOSER is so obsessed with these fucking Pokemon that he cleans out the Mcdonalds AND the Toys R Us??? Jackass)

ENOUGH ALREADY! It's craziness. Trust me, we'll figure it the fuck out. Stop with your stupid drawings. Thanks.

Love,
ME

This Guy Has the Right Idea

Have you all heard about this?



THIS is what the world is coming to! The first thing I thought of when I heard this was "GREAT IDEA". We should all go to fucking prison. We'd get better fucking healthcare than we do now!!!!!

It's just the beginning of the revolution. Let's all rob some banks!!!!!

Dear BB:

Dear BB:

Many thanks to you for getting a head start to summer vacation by missing the last 3 full days of school.

Am I supposed to believe this is a coincidence??? You are not sick AT ALL THE ENTIRE YEAR. You have never missed even ONE day and NOW suddenly, strep throat???? COME ON!?!??!??!??!?!

What kind of crap is this??????

This is bullshit, is what it is.

It's gonna be a looooooooooooooooooooooong ass summer.

Love,
Mommy

Yeah, YOU are the ONLY Person in the World that Matters

Dear Ass:

I realize that the two rooms they have at the pediatrician's office for "well" and "sick" children are pretty much bullshit. I mean, COME ON? Am I to believe that germs are incapable of floating across the lobby? Not to mention the fact that the bathroom is on the sick side, so that the "well" children have to go into the heart of Germ Country to take a piss.  Also, once you get into the exam room, who knows who was there before you with what disease. That stupid little piece of paper they put down on the exam table is supposed to do what? Anyway, I digress.

Taking an OBVIOUSLY sick child into the WELL waiting room is completely ludicrous. I mean seriously, who do you think you are? Are you SO SPECIAL that you think you are entitled to expose all of the WELL children in the Well Waiting Room to your nasty kid's barfing, rash covered, pink eyed, disgusting-ness? Who the fuck ARE you?

Are you famous? Are you Royalty? Are you an Alien? A Time-traveler?

Do us all a favor and get in your time machine and set the clock to a time when Doctor's made housecalls and leave the rest of us alone.

HEALTHY and ALONE.

Love,

ME

Dear Space Cadet:

Dear Space Cadet:

It pains me that you are gainfully employed FULL TIME and I can't even find a part time job flipping burgers. 

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT OF ME? The fucking power to read minds? I don't possess it. Sorry. So when I sent you a text message LAST TUESDAY inquiring about the work for the coming week, and I NEVER received a response, I thought that must mean that there is no work.  I thought this because THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY FUCKING WORK AND I AM GOING BROKE. So this wouldn't be unusual.

I had no idea that it could possibly mean that there in fact WAS work and that you would drop it off on my doorstep but never let me know about it.

How could I possibly make it to work BY 10:30 when you sent me a text message indicating that you left the work on my doorstep AT 10:13?

Thank you for making me hysterical. It was SO FUN, being that I am sick as a dog and so is BB, running all around like a psycho trying to get dressed, calling the court clerk to see what could be done, trying to get BB in the car and to a doctor's appointment, listening to Baby Spawn scream and Middle Spawn yell about how he is so hot, but yet he refuses to take off the long sleeves and pants. I so needed your nonsense on top of all this.

YET I find that all kinds of morons like you have jobs. WHAT THE FUCK? Maybe I should turn retarded? Perhaps that would enhance my resume?

GET A CLUE!

Love,
ME

Dear Baby Spawn:

Dear Baby Spawn:

Stop crying and leave me alone.

Love you!
Mommy

P.S.
Get away from the fucking cat food.

Note to Self 27

Note to Self 27:

Make up some sort of disease or condition that requires the use of medical marijuana and muscle relaxers otherwise you will never get through the fucking summer.

Also, start a petition to require school to be year-round.