Evil Fucking Empire

Dear Evil Empire:

Once again, YOU SUCK!

Note my invoice:

You see the item Description (in case your eyes are bad it says Intex Metal Frame Pool (13" x 39")? Yeah well instead of having the item ordered for me delivered to my house, I got a stupid blow up pool that is a health hazzard and sure to kill either one of mine or some of the neighborhood children. 

FINE. So you FUCKED UP at the factory or whatever. NO BIGGIE. But we all know how the fucking Evil Empire is with returns.

So I call BAY SHORE EVIL EMPIRE where I speak to a fucking sped who I am sure couldn't manage to graduate from 3rd grade.  He asks me for my item number. If you look at the top of my stupid Evil Empire invoice you will see the following columns:  QTY, which I assume means Quantity, but maybe I'm a retard, ITEM #, which I would assume would mean the item number, DPCI #, which I have no idea what the fuck that is, DESCRIPTION, again, self explanatory, GIFT WRAP, a duh, UPC which would be the bar code and RETURN METHOD. So when Dipshit asks me for the item number of the pool I am looking for (I called the store because under return method it says mail in or store and I don't feel like waiting til Christmas for the pool to arrive, so now I am calling local Evil Empires to see if they have the actual pool we ordered in stock), silly me, I give him the number that is under the column marked ITEM #.

Who could have known that the item number is not in fact the item number, but rather the DPCI number. I mean wouldn't it have been easier for him to ask for the DPCI number instead of going through the whole thing with me about "where did you get that number, that's not the right number" and making me feel like a tool? Ass.

So then Shit For Brains goes on to tell me that they do not have the pool in stock and that they have been waiting for it to come into their store for a week and that the best I could hope for is to call the store every day to ask if it has come in. Well I have nothing better to do than engage myself in a 20 minute conversation with the Mentally Challenged that are employed by the Evil Empire just for them to give me the fucking run around. I asked Numbnuts if he knew if they had it in any other store, and he told me to hang on, that he would check. After about 3 short minutes, Asstard comes back on the phone and says "no the only store that would possibly have it is Levittown", which if you are from around here, you know that Levittown might as well be fucking Mars. I am not hiking my ass to fucking Levittown for a fucking pool.

Not wanting to take the Brainiac's word for it, I called the store in Copaigue! Which is the next closest store to my Evil Empire in Bay Shore. Well what do you know? THEY HAVE THE POOL IN STOCK! I am sure Fucktard didn't even check for me, just left me on hold while he jerked off and ate a fucking bag of pop rocks. Thank God I know better than to trust the Evil Empire!! Assholes. (For the record, MIKE is the guy with a brain in Copaigue who helped me. Apparently he's the only person in the Evil Empire's employ who has a brain. Go Mike!).

And look at this:

This is the stupid back of the invoice which says:  SHAKE IT IF YOU GOT IT: Sometimes you just can't help but break out in a Happy Dance when you receive an order that you really, really like (c'mon, nobody's looking). So, we went ahead and provided the actual instructions - in case you need a refresher.  However, if you're not totally overjoyed with your purchase, we want to know. Please tell us why at Target.com/contactus.  Oh yeah. I really want to fucking dance my ass off at the thought of another humid ass day and no fucking pool to jump in. You big bunch of douches. How about instead of going all Fred Astaire on me and coloring doodles of fucking feet on the back of your invoices you take the time to actually send people what they ordered? Fucking morons.

Get a clue.

Love,
ME