Dear Collection Agency:

Dear Collection Agency:

I'm so sorry that I am out of work and destitute. I don't know what you want me to do. I can't just print my own money because that is a felony. 

I'd LOVE to pay my student loan, except the economy is shit and I have 3 young kids to support. Obviously I'm gonna buy food for my family and gas for my car before I pay you, especially since that stupid ass education did nothing for me.

It's a nice scam you and the government have going on - making people feel like they have no choice but to go to college and grad school in order to find a decent job, but then upon graduation, it ends up being impossible to find a job even at Taco Bell.  I also love that since I was self employed I can't collect unemployment EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO WORK AND that I can't declare bankruptcy, even though I am basically fucking bankrupt.  I'm sure if I was an illegal alien, I'd be able to collect unemployment, food stamps, and go to school for free, but since I'm not, my entire family and I are just fucked.

In any event, I have an idea! GIVE ME A JOB AT YOUR COLLECTION AGENCY! Surely I can make threatening phone calls to people and act like an asshole from home. Then I'll have money to pay the stupid loan off, and won't have to put my kids into daycare (which would require me to have a side job pole dancing just to afford the $3,000+ a month it would cost for daycare for 3 kids).
Love,
ME

P.S. - I AM full blooded Italian, so I'm sure your mafia-like tactics will come very easy to me.  I can threaten and menace people and also talk over them when they are trying to answer the questions I ask them.  Looking forward to it!

Love,
ME

P.P.S.  I especially LOVE the threat of litigation!! This I see as a bonus, because at least I'll be in a courtroom using my degree when you sue me. 

Love,
ME