Dear 40 Year Old Virgin Wannabe:
Listen, get the fuck away from your secretly Lesbo girlfriend and find a real fucking woman to be in a real relationship with!
Do this QUICKLY before we end up waxing your body hair and having to give you dating lessons. I'm tired because I have 3 kids and a husband to fucking take care of, so taking you on would prove to be a gargantuan effort.
I really can't afford to send you a Russian mail order hooker, especially since I defaulted on my student loans. Todd Grey Super Asshole would shit a brick if I charged sex for you and didn't send him any money.
If possible, perhaps you can find a rich girl who will love you so much she will pay to get your dear old friend out of debt?
It's not impossible! You are cute and funny and smart. What more could a girl want?*
Love you!
Me
*IF ANYONE WANTS A DATE WITH THIS CUTIE PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE. I'LL PUT YOU IN TOUCH.
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