Dear Jackass

Dear Jackass:

Please don't worry your pretty little head about ANYTHING except beautifying yourself. Even though I also have to go to work today, I really don't need to bother with anything as complicated as a shower. I really don't need to eat anything until a couple of bites at dinner time. I can't express my thanks to you enough - it REALLY helps keep the weight off.

I will go to my job today looking like shit because you are incapable of caring for anyone except yourself. It's no problem. Clearly it is my job as your wife to not only work outside of the home, but to do the job of, among other things, a babysitter, maid, accountant, chef, chauffeur, doctor, secretary, dry cleaner, personal shopper, whore, personal assistant and entertainer. 

I REALLY don't want you to use any of your FREE TIME in the morning dressing or feeding any of our three children. However, threatening and bullying the three year old to take his medicine did get one job done, although now I have a hysterically crying three year old hanging off of my leg while I attempt to get the others dressed, fed, lunches made, off to school, etc.

When you FINALLY get home tonight (ooh I can't wait to see you. CAN'T WAIT), there's some beer in the fridge. PLEASE grab one, sit on the couch and turn on ESPN and scratch your balls. You REALLY deserve it.  I won't be back til late because I have to schlep three kids with me to the various practices/ rehearsals/lessons/etc. they are signed up for. Oh no, please don't offer to help, it's really ok, it's my "thing" I did it to myself, I signed them up for it.  You just put your feet up and relax and I'll see you later.

Yours truly,

Your loving wife.