Dear Brats:

Dear Brats:

I just wanted to thank you for making my life a living hell yesterday. 

It was so special when you, Brat Daughter, decided you were starving to death 30 seconds before we were walking out the door for swimming lessons.  I, being a fantastic mother, offered you 1000 different (healthy) snacks, all of which were unacceptable to you, but you didn't stop screaming.  The best was when you screamed on the front steps uncontrollably for all the neighborhood to see.  Then, when I pulled out of the driveway (to scare you, to make you think we were leaving without you, TO GET YOU IN THE CAR), you kicked the side of my car and banged on it with your fists like a monkey in a cage at the zoo. I so love being the neighborhood crazies.

It's always great breaking the law. I love how you refused to wear your seatbelt and cried hysterically the whole way to your lesson. The highlight came when I punished you for being a pain in the ass and said no Wii for the rest of the weekend.  Then the screaming REALLY started.

I love looking insane in public, it's my favorite hobby, so I must especially thank you for letting me drag you out of the car with one had while pushing your baby brother in his stroller with the other hand. I'm sure the owners of the gym where you swim appreciate your mopping the floor for them. I certainly enjoyed dragging you by one arm to the pool while you laid on the floor screaming and everyone at the juice bar watched.  It's nice entertaining people.  (Thankfully Middle Spawn Brat was behaving PERFECTLY. Ha ha ha.  Can you say, "calm before the storm")

The icing on the cake was ripping your clothes off and dumping you on the pool steps into your coach's waiting arms. It took a lot of restraint (I should be commended!!!!) not to throw your sorry ass right in there and run away.

But SADLY it doesn't end here. Because even though you cheered right up for your coach and enjoyed a relaxing dip in the pool, YOUR BROTHER, Middle Spawn Brat decided to really do something that was the pinnacle of the entire night.

He took a shit in the pool*. Oh yes. Although, according to him, he "DID NOT!! It just appeared there after someone flushed the toilet". Which is a nice theory, I suppose.  It was so nice when the pool had to be CLOSED for the rest of the night, and the people waiting for their lesson had to be sent home. GREAT TIMES.

Then I come home,make dinner, and your father, love of my life comes home, gets dressed and goes out for a relaxing night. It's great! He deserves it. Really.  It must be hard at work all day listening to music and eating lunch without anyone harassing you.  I'm so lucky too. I can tell how much he loves me by the sink full of dishes and overflowing garbage pail. It's also nice when he walks out the door without saying goodbye, and I'm talking to air thinking he's still there. It's also great when I thought he was watching the baby but instead the baby was in my room chewing on vacuum wires. 

What a great day! I must apologize in advance to you, as I will not be coming home for the rest of the weekend. I hope you don't miss me too much.

Jerks.

Love,
Mommy

*People are telling me not to blame him. However who else could it have been???????? Really?????