While looking in the mirror last night I realized that I have those "parentheses" they talk about on those Juvederm commercials. I am considering Botox, and will be taking the money from my husband and children because they are the reason I am wrinkling prematurely. Immediately, the following memories came to mind:
After a shit ass day (because it's always a shit ass day), the screen door was locked because Middle Spawn is Houdini and escapes the house otherwise. So my retard husband gets home and he's knocking on the door. Houdini had been in the bath, but I guess he heard the knocking and got out of the tub and ran to the door stark naked. I get to the door after him, because he is quicker then me, and I see Retard's stupid mouth saying the words "What goes on here when I'm not home"? Well, that was it. IT WAS ON!
I just didn't open the door. The kids aren't capable of undoing the lock (It's really hard, sometimes even I have trouble). I went about my business while the jackass that I married continued knocking on the door.
Finally he must have had a brain wave and asked Oldest Spawn to get my mother to let him in. I would have thought he would have just gone in through my mom's apartment but I guess that would have required synapses firing so that's just asking too much.
Anyway, you would have thought he learned his lesson, but he's obviously not too bright. This morning he started right in with more of his shit.... how the whole house would fall apart without him here and how he does everything.....
I mean AM I IN THE FREAKIN TWILIGHT ZONE? He "cleans up" but really he's making more work for me. Here are examples:
1) He loads the dishwasher like a retarded person. Every time he loads the dishwasher, I must rewash all those dishes.
2)At Middle Spawn's bithday party, we had the bouncy castle in the yard & the genius puts a blanket outside so the kids wouldn't get their feet dirty (granted that was a decent idea). But instead of letting the blanket be an outside blanket (it was one of those Mexican blankets I have a zillion and use them for the beach, etc., even when I use it for the beach I LEAVE IT IN THE CAR it's an OUTSIDE blanket). Well he takes this filthy disgusting dirty blanket with bugs and who knows what on it AND THROWS IT IN MY HAMPER!! Well we've had an ant infestation ever since.
3) Speaking of the hamper, when Middle Spawn has a bathroom "accident" and pisses or shits himself, instead of rinsing those clothes and underwear he just throws it in the hamper. He is CRAZY. While sorting the laundry this morning I almost passed out from the sewer stank. PLUS a turd fell out of Middle Spawn's pants while I was sorting the laundry. THANKYOU Retard!!!!!!!!!!!!
4)Instead of taking the garbage out like a normal person when it was full, he just stuffs more trash in there so that it is impossible to pull the garbage bag out without it ripping everywhere, I've had to on more than one occasion take the entire garbage pail outside and turn it upside down in the big black garbage can outside. I'M SO LUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really am the LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD! THANK YOU RETARD! AND THANKYOU RETARD'S PARENTS FOR RAISING SUCH A GEM!
I mean REALLY what would I DO WITHOUT HIM????? HE DOES EVERYTHING FOR ME AND I'D JUST DIE if he wasn't here HELPING ME SO MUCH.
Give me a freakin break. The sad part is that he really BELIEVES that he does everything! God help me.
And then I wonder WHY I am prematurely aging???? HUH! The moral of the story is: BYE BYE COLLEGE FUND, HELLO BOTOX FUND.
I just didn't open the door. The kids aren't capable of undoing the lock (It's really hard, sometimes even I have trouble). I went about my business while the jackass that I married continued knocking on the door.
Finally he must have had a brain wave and asked Oldest Spawn to get my mother to let him in. I would have thought he would have just gone in through my mom's apartment but I guess that would have required synapses firing so that's just asking too much.
Anyway, you would have thought he learned his lesson, but he's obviously not too bright. This morning he started right in with more of his shit.... how the whole house would fall apart without him here and how he does everything.....
I mean AM I IN THE FREAKIN TWILIGHT ZONE? He "cleans up" but really he's making more work for me. Here are examples:
1) He loads the dishwasher like a retarded person. Every time he loads the dishwasher, I must rewash all those dishes.
2)At Middle Spawn's bithday party, we had the bouncy castle in the yard & the genius puts a blanket outside so the kids wouldn't get their feet dirty (granted that was a decent idea). But instead of letting the blanket be an outside blanket (it was one of those Mexican blankets I have a zillion and use them for the beach, etc., even when I use it for the beach I LEAVE IT IN THE CAR it's an OUTSIDE blanket). Well he takes this filthy disgusting dirty blanket with bugs and who knows what on it AND THROWS IT IN MY HAMPER!! Well we've had an ant infestation ever since.
3) Speaking of the hamper, when Middle Spawn has a bathroom "accident" and pisses or shits himself, instead of rinsing those clothes and underwear he just throws it in the hamper. He is CRAZY. While sorting the laundry this morning I almost passed out from the sewer stank. PLUS a turd fell out of Middle Spawn's pants while I was sorting the laundry. THANKYOU Retard!!!!!!!!!!!!
4)Instead of taking the garbage out like a normal person when it was full, he just stuffs more trash in there so that it is impossible to pull the garbage bag out without it ripping everywhere, I've had to on more than one occasion take the entire garbage pail outside and turn it upside down in the big black garbage can outside. I'M SO LUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really am the LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD! THANK YOU RETARD! AND THANKYOU RETARD'S PARENTS FOR RAISING SUCH A GEM!
I mean REALLY what would I DO WITHOUT HIM????? HE DOES EVERYTHING FOR ME AND I'D JUST DIE if he wasn't here HELPING ME SO MUCH.
Give me a freakin break. The sad part is that he really BELIEVES that he does everything! God help me.
And then I wonder WHY I am prematurely aging???? HUH! The moral of the story is: BYE BYE COLLEGE FUND, HELLO BOTOX FUND.
LOVE your blog! I thought only my 'jackass' did this stuff:)
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately every jackass does it. It must be attached to the Y chromosome.
ReplyDeleteGlad you like it!