Professor Henry Higgins, Where Are You?

Dear Asswipe:

I love that you had balls big enough to post this ad on Craigslist:

I am a businessman who runs a creative ad agency and need to improve in my level of speech and vocabulary.

My gaol is to be able to master the english language so that I can converse more eloquently and professionally.

I would like for someone to sit with me and work on my vocabulary and speech delivery at least three times a week from my home in Lawrence,

Please respond if you feel like you fit this description and truly feel like you are a good educator.

Thank you,

Josh

Perhaps you would like some help coming across as less of a simpleton on paper? Try this:

Please help me. I can't spell "goal" and have no idea that the word "English" needs to be capitalized.  Lucky for you I only want to seem eloquent in person, and not on paper.

That tidbit of advice is for free! But as a show of your eternal gratitude, please feel free to keep me out of poverty by clicking on the support my blog button on the right and making a small donation.

You are welcome!

Love,

ME