Dear Oldest Jerk & Middle Child Jerk:

Dear Oldest Jerk and Middle Child Jerk*:

Thanks so much for getting sick during the week off of school and becoming a cranky raging lunatic**. I really love how the two of you are egging each other on and causing all kinds of problems for me.

My favorite thing was when you*** took your baby brother's diaper off and he pissed all over. Also, it's so nice to hear the melodic sounds of your voices telling each other repeatedly how much you hate each other. It works wonders for my migraine****.

It's a fine day when you fucks jump on my bed, throw pillows around, and break my bedroom lamp. It's already dark enough in here, but now I can truly feel like I am in a mausoleum since I can't even afford to buy toilet paper, let alone new light fixtures. Lucky for you my migraine makes me sensitive to light, so pitch black shouldn't be a problem.

Watching you, shirtless*** and stepping into a rolled up poster, screaming that your sister hit you "super hard" is so entertaining, I'm thinking of nuking some popcorn.

The icing on the cake is that since it took eons to finally get your baby brother to sleep and now you've woken him up with all your screaming, throwing things, and just being assholes in general, I won't get to sleep off the immense cranial pain. But it's all good. No worries.

Love you guys,
Mom

*OK, OK I realize it is MY fault that you are a middle child, but let's face it! You were a jerk before you became the middle child.

**Speaking about the oldest here, in case there is any confusion.

***And now talking about the middle jerk.

****Incidentally, next time I have a migraine, instead of getting up and taking care of all your asses while your jackass father sleeps, I am going to simply pull off his covers and puke on his face.