To The Little Bitch Who Pushed My Daughter During The Soccer Game:

Dear Little Bitch: Thanks for spraining my daughter's elbow and making her fucking miss out on all her favorite things for at least one week. YOU SUCK. Love, Me PS - FYI it's not very sportsman-like to shove other players around just because you are getting the shit kicked out of you 7-0.

To The Creators of Yo Gabba Gabba

To The Creators of Yo Gabba Gabba: Go fuck yourselves. Don't bite your friends?? FUCK OFF. I HATE you. Love, ME

Further Explanation

Dear Readers: As further explanation for why I was MIA for 7 months, please understand, I had a rough year. A kindergartener at my daughter's school was killed in an accident that involved a freakin driver high on drugs. Can someone please PLEASE explain to me why I have to show my license to buy fucking Nyquil yet this douchebag could go to 3 different pharmacies and buy Oxycodone with no problem? And then get into a car fucking high as a kite and kill a 5 year old who was buried 10 days before Christmas? And while you are at it, explain to me why this fucktard refuses to admit he did ANYTHING wrong?? Just curious. Love, ME

You Retards

Hey Retards: Don't you think it is time you learned to tie your own fucking shoes and get your own fucking shit together? We have 5 minutes to get to t-ball practice and you are staring at me like I have 10 heads when I say "grab your cleats". Asses. Love, ME

Dear NYS School System

Dear NYS School System: Thanks for thinking it is a good idea to teach multiplication to fucking 2nd graders. I now have to pour a drink at 3:30 just to get through the trauma of explaining how 3 x 5 actually is 3 + 3 + 3+ 3 +3. I now have a fucking 8 year old bitch laying on the fucking floor of my hallway wailing "PLEASE HELP ME MOMMY HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME" and crying her fucking face off. I want to cry MY fucking face off. How fucking hard is it to understand that when faced with such a problem: 3 X 0 3 x 1 3 x 2 3 x 3 3 x 4 3 x 5 3 x 6 3 x 7 3 x 8 3 x 9 YOU JUST ADD 3 TO THE FUCKING PREVIOUS ANSWER and that's your fucking answer!!!!!!! So now guess what?? THE FUCKING HUSBAND CAN DEAL WITH IT FOR ONCE. I'M DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT. FUCK OFF! Love, ME PS What the fuck was wrong with leaving multiplication til 4th grade like when I was a kid? And you could actually wrap your fucking brain around it???? PPS And to my little 8 year old pain in the ass - when you say to me "I don't love you" is that supposed to make me sad? CAUSE I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Pass the chardonnay! Thanks! Love, ME

I Wasn't Even Drunk!

To Whom It May Concern: It was terribly embarrassing to smash my own head with my car door while dropping MS off at preschool. It was terribly alarming when my head began to swell right before my very eyes. I had to go home, and put ice on that shit before going to work. I was quite the sight. Meanwhile, I have come up with a story to tell instead of the car door thing. Please vote on your favorite.....I would put a poll in, except I can't figure out this new blogger: 1. I was mugged by a gang of midgets. 2. I was having kinky sex (thank you 50 Shades). 3. I got into a car accident. 4. A BOE member punched me. As usual, your opinion matters.... Let me know what you think! Many thanks! Love, ME

Grown Ups. Really?

Dear Big Bullies Who Act Like Good Parents But Who Are In Actuality Raising Asshole Children Who Learn To Harass Other Kids Because They Learned Stupid Behavior From Their Dickbag Parents: After a LOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG and drawn out process by which the BOE voted to close 2 elementary schools in our school district, and after fighting and complaining and writing letters and bitching and complaining regularly to those in authority, I have come to the conclusion that the world is full of stupid fucks. In case you didn't realize, you are one of them. OK, I already knew the world was full of stupid fucks. But it is one thing to KNOW the world is full of stupid fucks and then discover actual evidence of stupid fuckery. You asshole parents that get on those websites to harass and intimidate people for having an opinion need to get a life, learn how to have an intelligent conversation and get your head out of the BOE and Superintendant's ass. Seriously, what did they promise you for you to go out there and become some mindless puppet??? A few years from now, when you realize I was right, and that there is an enormous amount of babies being born (and a whole fucking bunch more are going to be born thanks to that porno 50 Shades of Grey), and we have no room, and our kids are going to school in trailers, and have 30 kids in a class, I won't be a dick and say I told you so. I'll actually still be nice to you. Even though you are a psycho and a loser and a pathetic excuse for a parent and human being. Knowing you adds flavor to my life. I mean, I do have down time when my sons aren't trying to burn the house down, and you entertain me with your pathetic "mean girl" drivel. Loser! Love, Me

Clean Your Rooms Bitches!

Dear Brats: Ants are invading our fucking home because you guys are total pigs. Seriously. Have you never seen a garbage pail before?? Stop leaving apple cores and fucking orange rinds on the floor of your room. What the fuck do you think this is???? And honestly, I am sick to death of listening to you brats whine about having to clean. NEWSFLASH: I'm the mom,you are the kids. Do what I FUCKING SAY!!! Clean your shit!!! You are total fucking animals and one day you will be carried away by a fucking army of ants because you are such dirty, filthy slobs. Part of me wants to just let the filth overtake you and just fucking leave it. How else will you learn if I am always cleaning up after you? Of course then I will have to listen to your dickbag of a father complaining that I do nothing all day. OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH........It's so FUCKING HARD to decide which of you jackasses' complaints I feel like listening to....... Love, Mommy

Dear MS:

Dear MS: Thanks for coming over here and fucking with my keyboard as I type. I had a great post ALMOST finished and you fucking deleted it because you can't keep your fucking hands to yourself. And people wonder WHY I drink during the day. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Love, MOMMY

CANCER sucks my ASS

My Darling Readers: I thought I owed you an explanation as to why I took a 7 month Hiatus. It is because my step father was diagnosed with a stupid incurable cancer and I just couldn't deal. Also I started a website on Caringbridge for him as well, so if anyone has it in them to send a few kind words his way, it would be much appreciated. If not, fuck off. Thanks! Love, ME

I can't have anything nice!

Dear Middle Spawn: I know you are a fucking technological genius and all but seriously??? Break my new fucking camera, and I'll break your fucking legs. Honestly??? Why must you take pictures of fucking angry birds and fucking Legos and basketballs???? Just FYI I delete that shit as soon as you put my precious and expensive and NEW camera down! SAVE TIME AND LEAVE MY SHIT ALONE. You are getting NOTHING out of this! Love Always, Mommy

Fuck off technology

Dear Blogger: I know I've been away for a long while, but did you have to change all this shit around? I have no idea what the fuck I am doing!!!! Love, ME

7 Months Gone By

I sincerely apologize to anyone who has been anxiously awaiting a post by me so that they can realize how much better their lives are than mine. I apologize! I had a bunch of crap going on, but now I think I am ready to be back...... And to welcome myself back, for your enjoyment: Dear Baby Spawn: It is fucking amazing that you wasted $25 worth of food in 2 days. Thanks for throwing the $8 a pound parmesan cheese all over my kitchen. As if the mess weren't bad enough, I truly appreciate not having any cheese for my pasta, pizza, etc., all week. Speaking of pizza, thanks for setting the entire pizza (minus 3 slices - one for you and 2 for your brother - the rest of us went hungry that night) ON FIRE. (I know I KNOW this one could have been considered my fault as I put the pizza box on the stove and I KNOW how much you love to turn those knobs). We are lucky the entire fucking house didn't go up in flames (actually maybe we aren't lucky. Maybe a nice house fire is what we NEED in order to get us a nice new house. I'm kidding, if anyone from the insurance company is reading this). Finally, EGGS are not cheap. I myself have frequently begged for chickens so I won't have to buy eggs. SO THANK YOU for throwing a DOZEN of them around the kitchen. Egg is always nice and easy to clean up. Thank GOD for YOUR SAKE a nice coworker happened to bring me a dozen fresh eggs from the chickens he keeps in his yard! Therefore, I won't be subtracting the $4.99 from your college fund. But that pizza and parmesan cheese money is coming my way from your bank account. Straighten out you little jackass! You are getting to be WORSE than your brother! (Who the fuck thought that would have been possible????). Warm Regards, Mommy