Dear Baby Spawn:
WTF? You are turning into a real pain in my ass.
I don't know how you managed to do it, but PLEASE stop pulling off my fridge door handle.
I'm seriously going to have to cage you or something.
Love ya!
Mommy
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Retards Abound
Dear MS:
What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you possibly fall down while doing nothing but standing up?
It's not like you were running, or doing anything. You were just standing there! And then you just fell down! You should be one of the Three Stooges or something.
Love you!
Mom
What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you possibly fall down while doing nothing but standing up?
It's not like you were running, or doing anything. You were just standing there! And then you just fell down! You should be one of the Three Stooges or something.
Love you!
Mom
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Baby Spawn Does All His Own Stunts
Dear Baby Spawn:
Great trick today!
How nice that you got so excited that Daddy was leaving the house and you wanted to follow him. You must have forgotten that you are new at going up and down stairs.
It's cute that you wanted to chase him, but you scared the shit out of me when you got your foot caught in the railing and were dangling upside down on the staircase by your ankle.
Jesus Christ one of these days one of you boys is going to give me a fucking heart attack. And in my obituary I want it listed that I would have lived longer had you children not made me fucking insane.
Love you!
Mommy
Great trick today!
How nice that you got so excited that Daddy was leaving the house and you wanted to follow him. You must have forgotten that you are new at going up and down stairs.
It's cute that you wanted to chase him, but you scared the shit out of me when you got your foot caught in the railing and were dangling upside down on the staircase by your ankle.
Jesus Christ one of these days one of you boys is going to give me a fucking heart attack. And in my obituary I want it listed that I would have lived longer had you children not made me fucking insane.
Love you!
Mommy
Monday, July 4, 2011
Dear Crazy:
Dear Crazy:
PLEASE stop talking about yourself! Do you think it is possible? You never let another person say a fucking word, you just keep yapping on and on and on and on and no one wants to hear it. We are all busy with our own shit and spending what little free time we all have listening to your nonsense is taking years off my life.
Thanks.
Get your head out of your ass, and get a life.
Love,
ME
PLEASE stop talking about yourself! Do you think it is possible? You never let another person say a fucking word, you just keep yapping on and on and on and on and no one wants to hear it. We are all busy with our own shit and spending what little free time we all have listening to your nonsense is taking years off my life.
Thanks.
Get your head out of your ass, and get a life.
Love,
ME
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Dear Assholes:
Dear Assholes:
Just FYI, even ultra rich bitches have their asses kicked by motherhood, and chances are, they spend less time with their kids than YOU do!
This scene from Sex and the City 2 (I tried to find video of it on YouTube, but no luck!):
Just FYI, even ultra rich bitches have their asses kicked by motherhood, and chances are, they spend less time with their kids than YOU do!
This scene from Sex and the City 2 (I tried to find video of it on YouTube, but no luck!):
I thought, "Why go to a bar when we have a bar?"
Thank you.
Thank you, Resir. You can go. How was your nap?
I slept hard.
You needed it. Being a mother kicks your ass.
Yes, but the benefits make it worth it.
- Okay. We're 6700 miles away from everyone. - Mm-hm.
- You can say it to me. I'm a mother too. - Say what?
All the things you're thinking, but you won't allow yourself to say out loud.
Okay. I'll go first.
As much as I love Brady and I do love him more than words...
being a mother is not enough. I miss my job.
You're not gonna leave me hanging out feeling alone like the worst mother in the world, are you?
- Okay. Well... I love my girls. - I know that.
But...I have enjoyed not having them around.
- I needed a break. - Yes, you did.
Rose cries all day, every day. It's driving me crazy.
I have been watching you for months. I don't know how you're doing it.
Sometimes I go in the other room and I close the door...
and I just let her scream. Isn't that awful?
No, that's survival. Take a sip.
And can I tell you something else? I feel guilty.
I feel so guilty, because all I ever prayed for was to have a family.
And now I have these two beautiful girls.
And?
- They're driving me crazy. - Take a sip.
And I feel like I'm failing. I just feel like I'm failing all the time.
You're not failing. Being a mother is hard.
Oh, my God. It is so hard. And I have full-time help.
How do the women without help do it?
- I have no fucking idea. To them. - To them.
And when I...Oh, no, I can't. I can't. It's awful.
Sip. Go.
When I heard Samantha say that Harry was gonna cheat on me with Erin...
Yeah.
my first thought was: "I can't lose the nanny".
[LAUGHING]
I am so glad Miranda and Charlotte toasted to all of us who do this job without help. This is more than I can say for you, my husband. Or any other man for that matter. I've lost my mind and become a fucking drunk, but at least Hollywood is on my side.
AGAIN, if you have a job, you are spending most of the day CHILDLESS. And therefore, you are one lucky person who gets a lot more time to yourself!!!! Even if you are spending it working. I don't know why this is so hard for you to understand.
And PS, if we had a nanny I so would choose her over you any day. Off to toast myself with a nice glass of Pinot.
Love,
Me
Thank you.
Thank you, Resir. You can go. How was your nap?
I slept hard.
You needed it. Being a mother kicks your ass.
Yes, but the benefits make it worth it.
- Okay. We're 6700 miles away from everyone. - Mm-hm.
- You can say it to me. I'm a mother too. - Say what?
All the things you're thinking, but you won't allow yourself to say out loud.
Okay. I'll go first.
As much as I love Brady and I do love him more than words...
being a mother is not enough. I miss my job.
You're not gonna leave me hanging out feeling alone like the worst mother in the world, are you?
- Okay. Well... I love my girls. - I know that.
But...I have enjoyed not having them around.
- I needed a break. - Yes, you did.
Rose cries all day, every day. It's driving me crazy.
I have been watching you for months. I don't know how you're doing it.
Sometimes I go in the other room and I close the door...
and I just let her scream. Isn't that awful?
No, that's survival. Take a sip.
And can I tell you something else? I feel guilty.
I feel so guilty, because all I ever prayed for was to have a family.
And now I have these two beautiful girls.
And?
- They're driving me crazy. - Take a sip.
And I feel like I'm failing. I just feel like I'm failing all the time.
You're not failing. Being a mother is hard.
Oh, my God. It is so hard. And I have full-time help.
How do the women without help do it?
- I have no fucking idea. To them. - To them.
And when I...Oh, no, I can't. I can't. It's awful.
Sip. Go.
When I heard Samantha say that Harry was gonna cheat on me with Erin...
Yeah.
my first thought was: "I can't lose the nanny".
[LAUGHING]
I am so glad Miranda and Charlotte toasted to all of us who do this job without help. This is more than I can say for you, my husband. Or any other man for that matter. I've lost my mind and become a fucking drunk, but at least Hollywood is on my side.
AGAIN, if you have a job, you are spending most of the day CHILDLESS. And therefore, you are one lucky person who gets a lot more time to yourself!!!! Even if you are spending it working. I don't know why this is so hard for you to understand.
And PS, if we had a nanny I so would choose her over you any day. Off to toast myself with a nice glass of Pinot.
Love,
Me
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Dear MS:
Dear MS:
What did you eat a mushroom from the lawn or something? What the fuck?
You scared the shit out of me when you hallucinated in the middle of the night last night:
MS: Mom?
Me: Yes?
MS: Where are you?
Me: Right here. (2 minutes pass)
MS: Mom?
Me: Yes?
MS: Where are you?
Me: I'm right here! (2 minutes pass)
MS: Mom?
Me: Yeah?
MS: Where are you?
Me: I'm NEXT to you I'm NOT moving! What the fuck is matter with you??? (5 minutes pass)
MS: Mama?
Me: Yes?
MS: I want to lay with you toever*.
Me: Ok go to sleep.
MS: WHERE ARE YOU GOING STARLICK??
Me: Starlick isn't here, go to sleep.
MS: STARLICK WHERE ARE YOU GOING?????
Me: Shhhhhhhh. Starlick is NOT here, go to sleep buddy.
MS: I'm HOT.
Me: Take off your shirt.
MS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (5 minutes pass)
MS: I can't see anything.
Me: Because the lights are off. It's dark. It's time for sleep. You have to go to sleep so you feel better. (2 minutes pass)
MS: I can't see anything.
Me: Go to sleep.
MS: NOOOOOOOOOO NO spiders! The spiders are coming down. THE SPIDERS ARE COMING DOWN!!!
Me: There are no spiders. CALM down! Just go to sleep so you can feel better.
MS: (growls)
H**: WHAT THE FUCK. I GOTTA GO IN EARLY TOMORROW.
Me: Go get this kid some motrin. He's fucking hallucinating.
H: COME ON (Huffs and puffs and whines and bitches all the way to the bathroom; MS takes motrin)
MS: I need water.
Me: Go tell daddy he's in the bathroom.
MS: (goes into bathroom) aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh I need water.
H: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
MS: (comes back to bed). I can't see anything.
H: Go back to your room, the TV is on. You can watch TV.
Me: This kid is fucking hallucinating and burning up I think he should just stay here in case/
H: Oh come on you're insane.
Me: He's on fucking fire and screaming about spiders!
H: He's fine.
Me: Fuck off.
H: I gotta WAKE UP EARLY!
MS: I can't see anything!!!!
Me: Shhhhhhh go to sleep.
H: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (15 minutes pass)
MS: I'm going in my room (goes into his room to watch Pokemon).
All the while I was thinking of the wonderful gift given to me by a GREAT friend (you know who you are). I strongly suggest buying this for all those new mommies! In fact, BB's teacher is having a baby, and I bought her a copy PLUS a bottle of Mommy's Time Out. I'm going to put my copy of this fabulous book in your storage bin, so you can read it to your kid when they are torturing you.
Love you!
Please feel better soon!
Love,
Mommy
P.S. I wish when I brought you to the doctor you would have had strep throat! Because at least they would have given you medicine and this would all be over. THIS is something else. I really REALLY hope you DID NOT eat a mushroom from the front lawn and that this is just a virus or something.
*Translation: FOREVER. This is how MS says "forever"
**Husband
What did you eat a mushroom from the lawn or something? What the fuck?
You scared the shit out of me when you hallucinated in the middle of the night last night:
MS: Mom?
Me: Yes?
MS: Where are you?
Me: Right here. (2 minutes pass)
MS: Mom?
Me: Yes?
MS: Where are you?
Me: I'm right here! (2 minutes pass)
MS: Mom?
Me: Yeah?
MS: Where are you?
Me: I'm NEXT to you I'm NOT moving! What the fuck is matter with you??? (5 minutes pass)
MS: Mama?
Me: Yes?
MS: I want to lay with you toever*.
Me: Ok go to sleep.
MS: WHERE ARE YOU GOING STARLICK??
Me: Starlick isn't here, go to sleep.
MS: STARLICK WHERE ARE YOU GOING?????
Me: Shhhhhhhh. Starlick is NOT here, go to sleep buddy.
MS: I'm HOT.
Me: Take off your shirt.
MS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (5 minutes pass)
MS: I can't see anything.
Me: Because the lights are off. It's dark. It's time for sleep. You have to go to sleep so you feel better. (2 minutes pass)
MS: I can't see anything.
Me: Go to sleep.
MS: NOOOOOOOOOO NO spiders! The spiders are coming down. THE SPIDERS ARE COMING DOWN!!!
Me: There are no spiders. CALM down! Just go to sleep so you can feel better.
MS: (growls)
H**: WHAT THE FUCK. I GOTTA GO IN EARLY TOMORROW.
Me: Go get this kid some motrin. He's fucking hallucinating.
H: COME ON (Huffs and puffs and whines and bitches all the way to the bathroom; MS takes motrin)
MS: I need water.
Me: Go tell daddy he's in the bathroom.
MS: (goes into bathroom) aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh I need water.
H: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
MS: (comes back to bed). I can't see anything.
H: Go back to your room, the TV is on. You can watch TV.
Me: This kid is fucking hallucinating and burning up I think he should just stay here in case/
H: Oh come on you're insane.
Me: He's on fucking fire and screaming about spiders!
H: He's fine.
Me: Fuck off.
H: I gotta WAKE UP EARLY!
MS: I can't see anything!!!!
Me: Shhhhhhh go to sleep.
H: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (15 minutes pass)
MS: I'm going in my room (goes into his room to watch Pokemon).
All the while I was thinking of the wonderful gift given to me by a GREAT friend (you know who you are). I strongly suggest buying this for all those new mommies! In fact, BB's teacher is having a baby, and I bought her a copy PLUS a bottle of Mommy's Time Out. I'm going to put my copy of this fabulous book in your storage bin, so you can read it to your kid when they are torturing you.
Love you!
Please feel better soon!
Love,
Mommy
P.S. I wish when I brought you to the doctor you would have had strep throat! Because at least they would have given you medicine and this would all be over. THIS is something else. I really REALLY hope you DID NOT eat a mushroom from the front lawn and that this is just a virus or something.
*Translation: FOREVER. This is how MS says "forever"
**Husband
Friday, July 1, 2011
Medication?
You Poor Woman:
Not sure if you are aware, but Marry Poppins is NOT a real person. I saw your ad, and wanted to reach out to you, and help you get the psychological assistance that you so clearly need:
LOOKING FOR MARY POPPINS
Full-time live-out nanny, ( babysitter ) following a teacher's schedule. Care for 1 yr and 4 yr old girls at our home, approx 7:30 am to 4:00 pm, Monday to Friday, including driving 4 yr old to and from local school. Also do light housekeeping, laundry, dishes, etc. Must be warm, kind, nurturing, mature, responsible, reliable, trustworthy, patient, serious, punctual. Non-smoker. Must have experience and excellent references. Must have a clean driving record and a safe and reliable vehicle. Hours are approximate, candidate must have some flexibility. Mother is a teacher, so job hours follow teacher's schedule, generally no work on school vacations, holidays, weekends, or summer(s), unless otherwise agreed in advance. Ideal candidate has experience being a mom, but this is not a requirement. Job start date: approx Aug 10, 2011
So basically you want a slave who will bust her ass for you with a smile on her face, and will sing show tunes while she works. Maybe you are new at this mom thing, but just FYI a spoonful of sugar does not make the medicine go down. And guess what, NO ONE anywhere except the fictional Mary Poppins possesses all of the qualities you require. And your ideal candidate would have"experience being a mom"???? So what? They are supposed to leave THEIR own kids to take care of yours???
You MUST be living in a Disney movie.
Do yourself a favor and come back down to reality.
Love,
ME
Not sure if you are aware, but Marry Poppins is NOT a real person. I saw your ad, and wanted to reach out to you, and help you get the psychological assistance that you so clearly need:
LOOKING FOR MARY POPPINS
Full-time live-out nanny, ( babysitter ) following a teacher's schedule. Care for 1 yr and 4 yr old girls at our home, approx 7:30 am to 4:00 pm, Monday to Friday, including driving 4 yr old to and from local school. Also do light housekeeping, laundry, dishes, etc. Must be warm, kind, nurturing, mature, responsible, reliable, trustworthy, patient, serious, punctual. Non-smoker. Must have experience and excellent references. Must have a clean driving record and a safe and reliable vehicle. Hours are approximate, candidate must have some flexibility. Mother is a teacher, so job hours follow teacher's schedule, generally no work on school vacations, holidays, weekends, or summer(s), unless otherwise agreed in advance. Ideal candidate has experience being a mom, but this is not a requirement. Job start date: approx Aug 10, 2011 So basically you want a slave who will bust her ass for you with a smile on her face, and will sing show tunes while she works. Maybe you are new at this mom thing, but just FYI a spoonful of sugar does not make the medicine go down. And guess what, NO ONE anywhere except the fictional Mary Poppins possesses all of the qualities you require. And your ideal candidate would have"experience being a mom"???? So what? They are supposed to leave THEIR own kids to take care of yours???
You MUST be living in a Disney movie.
Do yourself a favor and come back down to reality.
Love,
ME
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