Dear Omaha Steaks:

Dear Omaha Steaks:

Let me be the first to congratulate you on not only mailing meat out to various places in the world, but on ensuring that the socially inept everywhere have the ability to communicate.

Imagine my surprise, upon opening up a cooler full of meat, when I discovered the Omaha Steaks Conversation Cards you included!

Have fun with family and friends when you get them talking with Omaha Steaks Conversation Cards. Simply pull out a questionand let the chit-chat begin! It's a great way to bring families, fun and laughter back to the table. Let the games begin!

So helpful! Now, please follow along, and answer in a comment (I'm including my answers in italics so that you will be able to engage me in lively discussion). How wonderful for all of us to have these little ice breakers!

1.  What is the greatest invention of the last 50 years?

I would say the I-pod. Or the DVR. Without the DVR I would never see a show, ever. EVER. Who has the time. The I-pod because, well, remember the walkman? It's just nice to have something the size of a quarter playing your music.

2.  What was your favorite TV show growing up?

I don't know. I guess I was a fan of Growing Pains. Plus Leonardo DiCaprio lived in the janitor's closet at the high school.

3. Have you ever had an encounter with a celebrity? How did you react?

I saw Tate Donovan in the subway on the way home from the NYC Marathon. My husband shoved me on a crowded subway. If he didn't I could have been pressed up against Tate Donovan instead of him. I yelled at him (my husband, not Tate Donovan). A lot.  Tate did wave at me though. That was nice.  

4. If you could name yourself, what name would you choose?

Something ridiculous like Desdemona or Evangeline.

5. Would you ever get a tattoo? If so, where would it be?

Do the ones I already have count? I guess if I were to get another one I would get it on the back of my neck.

6. Do you believe in ghosts?

YES YES YES

7. If you had to get rid of your microwave or TV, which would it be?

Definitely and without question the microwave.

8. What's the best way to see America?

By car. Duh.

Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Without these little cards, we would have NOTHING to discuss. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Love,
ME

Dear Crazy Lady:

Dear Crazy Lady:

Your ass needs to be put in prison.

In no way, shape or form is it ok for an 8 year old child to be botoxed, lasered or waxed. 

You're a fucking psycho.

Love,
ME
P.S. Poll Time. You know where to look. (Or if you don't, cause you're new, scroll down - bottom right side)

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern:

I came across your ad on Craigslist:

DBI Entertainment Studios is hiring Female Live Adult Webcam Models to work in our local studios in sunny St. Pete, FL. OR from your own home wherever you are.

We are hiring female models and good looking couples. We offer great pay, flexible hours, and weekly bonuses. full and part time available.

** For more information and to fill out an application visit our website at: www.dbientertainmentstudios.net and click on the "Apply to become a model link" **

If I do full time, would that mean 40 hours a week? I’m not sure if my husband (or any man) is physically up to that task. Would I be able to write off Viagra, sex toys & lube on my taxes? What do I have to do to earn these bonuses you speak of?

I can’t make it to Sunny St. Pete, but I do have my own webcam up here in NY and I might as well make it work for me since it is just sitting here collecting dust.

Sounds like a great opportunity.

Thanks for considering me!*

Sincerely,

ME

*By the way, I am being SARCASTIC here.  I feel I have to put a disclaimer on here for all the fucking losers who actually think I am applying for this job. For you morons, sarcasm = The use of irony to mock or convey contempt (Thank you Wikipedia).  Try not to get your panties in a bunch and please don’t call my parents to say I’ve become an internet whore. Thanks.

Note to Self 21

Note to Self 21:

These are the good old days. Keep telling yourself that.



Just hum this song to yourself while you are stepping on smashed banana and washing the dishes with a screaming baby hanging off your leg.

Keep singing it when Middle Spawn gets the mop out of the bucket and starts mopping the baby.  He thinks he's helping, since the baby is so filthy.

And whistle the merry tune while you pick up the Cheerios the boys threw around the house, much like guests at a wedding throw rice at the happy couple.

Laugh at the situation. It's funny!!! And one day they will want nothing to do with you at all, which is why this is the time to remember, cause it will not last forever. 

Dear Craigslist Hooker Killer:

Dear Craigslist Hooker Killer:

Again, while looking for work, I come across yet ANOTHER RIDICULOUS ad from YOU, the Craigslist Hooker Killer:

Melville Spa now hiring attendants for our gentlemen clientele. We are seeking personable, attractive females who are available two to three days per week. Must be reliable with a positive attitude. Private, safe, stress-free and lucrative environment. If you are interested in knowing more about us, please reply by e-mail with your name, age, phone number and two recent photos (face & body shots). Thank you

You know what I see when I read this? If it isn't obvious to you, I will spell it out.

Melville Spa now hiring attendants for our gentlement clientele.  Melville Spa now hiring prostitutes to service male clients under the guise of massage therapy.  We are seeking personable, attractive females who are available two to three days per week. Ugly bitches need not apply.  We only need you to work 2-3 days a week because we wouldn't want to have to pay your worker's comp claims for the carpal tunnel you will get from giving all those happy endings. 

Must be reliable with a positive attitude. Must be reliable, and make even the fattest, sweatiest, nastiest men feel like they are Jude Law.  Private, safe, stress-free and lucrative environment.  We'll give you your own room to work out of, and if you don't do side work you probably won't get yourself killed. Since we are masquerading as a spa, we'll have nice relaxing New Age music and aromatherapeutic candles and lube. You'll definitely make loads of money, especially if you are willing to get freaky.  

If you are interested in knowing more about us, please reply by e-mail with your name, age, phone number and two recent photos (face and body shots). Call us if you are interested in whoring yourself out. The economy sucks and we know you bitches are desperate. Make sure you send us a picture though, because even though YOU may think you are hot, chances are, YOU ARE NOT. Thank you.

What kind of people respond to these ads anyway? I can only hope the Suffolk County Police Department is trolling Craigslist and is hot on your trail.

Love,

ME

Dear Twits:

Dear Twits:

Did anyone ever stop and think "HEY! Maybe the fucking Mayans ran out of room on their pyramid wall so they just stopped their calendar on December 21, 2012"?

This seems more logical than actually having the fucking world end on that day.  I have a feeling on December 22, 2012, I'm gonna be pretty pissed off that I have to go and buy a whole bunch of Christmas gifts and spend a whole bunch of money on stamps to try and get my cards out on time.

OR I'll be pissed off that I have to pay all my credit cards that I ran up because I figured the end of the world was coming. I was sort of hoping it would end in 2012 because then I could just engage in enjoyable bad habits with no regrets that they would kill me, since it'll all be over soon anyway.

Do me a favor and check this website out about all the times crazy people have predicted the end of the world was coming.  We're still here though. Aren't we? http://www.religioustolerance.org/end_wrl2.htm OR http://www.bible.ca/pre-date-setters.htm .
Love,
ME

P.S. Maybe the above voice of reason will alleviate some of your panic attacks. But whatever you do, don't go watch that stupid movie with John Cusack and whatshername:

P.P.S. - Poll time.  You know where they are.

IS THE WORLD ENDING DECEMBER 21, 2012?

Dear Ruiner of My Life:

Dear Ruiner of My Life:

Clearly you smoked too much dope in high school as you can't even remember anything that you did just 2 seconds ago. It's bad enough that the doctor called with your blood work results and you couldn't tell me how high your cholesterol was mere seconds after hanging up the phone.

But now, your carelessness is affecting ME, and its ticking me off big time.  For instance, when you "help" around the house by "cleaning" (ahem, by stuffing things into the closets I should say), you lose all of my stuff (and other family members' stuff as well).  Case in point:  I am MISSING:

1.  Both brown sneakers for BB.
2. One of each of the :
     a) Twinkle Toes (BB)
     b) Brown Mary Janes (BB)
     c)  Black ballet flats (BB) *
     d) Black gladiator sandals (Me)
3.  MY BATTERY CHARGER for my rechargeable batteries WHICH I NEED DESPERATELY FOR
     MY DIGITAL CAMERA TO WORK.
4.  Pre school bill for Middle Spawn's enrichment class.
5.  Yesterday's mail

I've already searched high and low in your favorite spots to hide things on me (on top of the fridge, in MY closet, buried in the mountain of crap on the dining room table) to no avail.

YOU keep saying you will find this stuff and YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK.  How can you move stuff around and not know where you put ANY of it? YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER MOVING IT!!!

Your brain cells are dead. Kindly get yourself to a neurologist. Thanks.

Love you,
ME

*Yes I know it seems BB has a lot of shoes for a seven year old, but I am telling you, this is the bare minimum - I need brown boots, black boots, brown dress shoes, black dress shoes, and 2 pairs of sneakers.  This is not including the soccer cleats, indoor soccer shoes, ballet slippers, and tap shoes.  Oh yeah, and the crocs (from the toe hurting injury) and silver gladiator sandals.