Dear Dopey:

Dear Dopey:

If you want to keep the fact that you are knocked up a secret, then don't order a ginger ale while out to dinner with your friends.

For future reference, go for coke or wine next time. One glass won't kill you or the fetus, and will totally keep your secret.

Now you've been outed. Congrats!!!!!

Love ya,
ME

P.S. I wish you a speedy and pain free delivery*

xoxoxoxoxoxox
ME

*hahahahhaahhahahahaaaaaaahahahaa

Dear Oldest:

Dear Oldest:

It's funny how you would think that it is "weird"* that your friend's daddy doesn't live with them because then "the mommy has to do everything".  Have you not noticed who does everything here**?

Did you not notice how this morning your dad wondered how he was going to get ready for work while I took the feline fucktard back to the vet?  I told him to make it work and learn how to do two things at once and he said he can't because "he has a job".  What's sad is that you have two brothers, and I will have to teach them to multitask***.

Love,
Mom


*You say weird, I say lucky.

**In case you're unsure, it's ME.

***Sad because those with penises are incapable it seems.

Note to Self 5

Dear Retardo Me:

When your almost 4 year old son jumps onto your back from a kitchen chair while you are loading the dishwasher, falls off your back and lands on the dishwasher, breaking the top rack AND while you are trying to comfort & console him while simultaneously trying to fix the dishwasher AND the butter you are melting on the stove catches fire* causing the smoke alarms to go off, the baby to cry and a big old fucking mess to happen, IT'S TIME TO ORDER A FUCKING PIZZA

Love,
ME

*Seemingly killing your stainless steel pan - EXCEPT - the Bar Keeper's Friend brought it back to life! Buy it in my favorite things store!

Dear Darling:

Dear Darling:

This bed is not big enough for the both of us. Buy me a California King, or go sleep on the couch for the rest of your life.

Love,
The Wifey

PS - Something like this would be GREAT:

Dear Moron:

Dear Moron:

So glad you were never taught how to manage money whatsoever and that you think it is ok to just charge $50 worth of Domino's Pizza for you and your stupid poker party*.

Meanwhile, I can't afford toilet paper, but go right ahead.

You haven't noticed yet, but I removed all plastic from your wallet. You can't be trusted so you are punished. And then you wonder why I never want sex. I have to punish you like you are the fourth child, so I think of you as my son**.

If you have a problem, blame your mother. She never taught you how to live on a budget.

Sincerely,
Your Wife.

*While I'm sure all you jackasses with penises are out there thinking what a cunt I am, I have to say, FUCK OFF. Because this house was STOCKED with food the retards could have eaten had any of them known how to turn on a stove. Jackoffs.

**And clearly that would be gross and so not hot.

Dear Boozehound:

Dear Boozehound:

When your children refer to beer as "daddy juice", it's time to check into rehab.

By the way, I'm so glad you are getting that much needed rest with this middle of the day nap. You really deserve it.

Fondly,
Your Beautiful Wife

P.S. Downing an entire bottle of Patron is not something to be proud of.  Even when you split it with your friend. Especially when I am the one suffering because of your hangover.

To That Which Should Not Be Named:

To That Which Should Not Be Named*:

I hate you. I mean, I really REALLY HATE you.

Why is my bill over $200 a month and there is NEVER anything on for me to watch?

And WHY when I AM watching my favorite shows is the fucking picture completely distorted and all fucked up?

AND WHY DON'T YOU CARE WHEN I CALL AND COMPLAIN??????????

Your customer service** sucks my ass. All I want to do is smash all your equipment and punch all your employees in their faces***.

I really love when I order a movie for 24 hours and then conveniently the stupid thing fails to play again, which reminds me: My personal fave is the wars you keep having with networks. I used to think it was the networks, but it doesn't seem to me that any other company has these issues except you****.

If you weren't holding my e-mail address hostage, I would leave you, you stupid fuck.

Fuck you very much,
ME

PS - why don't you douches come up with a better place to put those cards instead of right in front of the box? It's like taunting little kids everywhere, all of whom love to pull the fucking thing out and hide it somewhere you will never find it. The fucking thing costs like $75!!!! Just another way for you to rape us I guess. Assholes.

*Fucking Cablevision

**Let's face it, it's not just your customer service that sucks my ass.

***Sorry friends who work there. I just HATE them.

****I know it seems hard to follow along, but this does make sense. Back when That Which Should Not Be Named was fighting with a network I won't mention (hint: Disney) they offered free movies to all customers because we were missing the fucking Academy Awards due to their little spat. Meanwhile guess what? The fucking on demand movies wouldn't work. How convenient.