Dear Idiot:

Dear Idiot:

I sincerely apologize for scaring you. It's just that the toaster was on fire.  I wasn't sneaking up on you, I just happened to walk into the kitchen and see that the fucking toaster oven was on fire! I'm surprised you didn't notice, as you were standing right in front of it toasting up a nice sausage and peppers hero with provolone. 

I don't think it was necessary for you to start screaming at ME, however. After all, I saved your life, and the lives of all living in this house.  Apparently, I can no longer trust that you will be responsible enough to care for our children, pets or yourself when the toaster goes on fire before your eyes and you don't get nervous at all. In fact, perhaps you should seek therapy, when the thing that scared you was my "sneaking up on you" and not the ball of flames 4 inches away from you. 

Jackass.

Love,
Me

Dear Ass:

Dear Ass:

Thank you for sitting on the sofa with a beer and watching football and criticizing my method for going over BB's failed math test.

If it is so fucking easy, please feel free to take over.

You stupid shit.

Love,
Me

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer:

You are such a cunt.

Where to Find Freaks

In case you were wondering, the freaks are at your local Board of Education Meeting.

For instance, the freak who comes to every meeting crying about cuts to the music program so his band geek kid can be out of the house all day and he can look at internet porn alone and in peace. This freak actually suggested that the district go back to half day kindergarten just so the music program could have more money, and suggested that an entire LIPA rebate check the district received go to the music program (because what else is there, really? I mean surely there is no other good use for that money except for his fucking kid's viola lessons). 

Another winner came up to speak (well actually he whispered, and you couldn't even hear him with the microphone) about adult education volleyball and was whining that he and his wife "were told we weren't allowed to play".  It seriously sounded as if he was my 4 year old crying about how his big sister won't let him play.

Crazy people. 

I've Got Into a Time Machine and Went Back to 1954

Dear Husband:

I so need direction from you! I really appreciate you letting me know that "my job" for the day was to clean the living room and dining room.

I really don't know what I would do without you! I mean, I totally didn't notice that I needed to clean those rooms.   You boys are just so much smarter than us fairer, weaker women.

Thank God for men! We women would just die without you. I mean,  you bring home the bacon and boss me around! I'm too stupid to think for myself, I just pray to Jesus every night that you stay with me forever.

Love,
Your Loving Wife

Dear Little Baby Spawn:

Dear My Precious Little Baby Spawn:

Pink rubber erasers, while lovely and very appealing to look at, ARE NOT food! Thanks for taking a bite out of your sister's eraser.  It was very amusing. One would think that you would quickly realize that an eraser tastes like ass, but NO! You went for yet another bite, and then tried to toast it in the toaster.

Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get toasted eraser out of a toaster?

You are so cute!

Love you!
Love,
Mommy

Miracle of Miracles!

After 3 loooooooooooooooooooooooong months of trying, I've finally managed to wash my kitchen floor!!!

The Rules

Dear MS:

In the future, please refrain from bringing the plunger into the bathtub while you and Baby Spawn are taking a bath.

I know I threw out all the bath toys because they were old and moldy, and that you really don't have anything to play with in the bath, but seriously, the plunger??? What is fun about that?

Hopefully you don't end up with diptheria or something.

Love ya!
Mom.

Fucking Old People

I hate to say this, because I will be old one day. Fuck, some people would already consider me old, but whatever. 

I want to punch every fucking old person I see in the fucking face repeatedly and then roll over them with their wheelchairs.

First it was the dumb bitch in the Evil Empire who was so senile she couldn't figure out how to work the computer at all yet was scanning 4,000 pictures of her trip to fucking wherever.  As she is retired, she has nothing to do with her time except go on vacations with other old bags. Meanwhile, I am in a rush and need to scan 2 pictures, which will take a grand total of 35 seconds. And again, she has nothing but time. After her fucking trip to the Evil Empire, she probably was going to go home and sit in her fucking rocking chair, hook herself up to an oxygen tank and watch a soap opera while eating salt free potato chips. 

That old bitch turned around and said "I'm gonna be a while". I said, "Oh I only have 2 pictures and I need to get them scanned before I go to my son's school" and that old coot said "well I don't know what to tell you".

Well old bitch, maybe you figure time isn't on your side because you are as old as Moses and could drop dead at any fucking second, but I'm telling you, I think you'll survive the day, and common courtesy would be to let the girl behind you with the 2 pictures go first. 

FUCK YOU.

Next was the old fuck at the stupid craft fair.  YES I know that MS is a pain in the ass. SO FUCKING SORRY he touched your gay ass wooden lawn sign that no one in their right mind would want.  YOU with your old wrinkled prune face scared him enough when  you yelled at him and when I turned around to see where he had gotten to, and started yelling at him to not touch stuff and to hurry up and stay with mommy, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH.

There was no fucking need for your stupid ass to yell at ME:  TELL HIM NOT TO TOUCH STUFF.Yeah dick, what do you think I just did? Did you not hear me fucking screaming at him?

Sorry I had to curse you out in front of all those people. Whenever I yell at old people, I do feel upset about it but fuck, man, you douchebags don't rule the world. You don't like little kids, then don't go to places where they frequent. 

You can't fucking go to Mcdonalds & Friendly's or fairs and carnivals and then bitch that there are kids there.  I know you like your senior citizen specials over there but seriously if you hate kids so much you're gonna have to pony up some dough and fucking go somewhere a little nicer.  I don't go to the fucking old folks home and complain that there are old people there. I don't go to IHOP and complain about the old man smell. I don't fucking go the casino and whine to the pit boss when I trip over some old wheelchair bound bitch's oxygen tank.

I don't get you people! When I'm old I plan on sitting around and doing nothing. I, unlike you, know how to use a computer so there won't be any fucking reason to leave my assisted living facility and be annoyed by any children.  The only children who will be annoying me will be my fucking grandchildren. And judging from my children's personalities, I'll really fucking be in for it.

MS Has Mommy's Mouth

While playing the Legend of Zelda on Wii, the battery on the remote died.  MS got a new remote. The battery on that one died too. MS then screamed:

DAMMIT THIS ONE'S DEAD TOO!

I'm so proud.

Miracle of Miracles

I actually had a civilized conversation with Todd Grey, Super Asshole.

He still managed to be a total douchebag though.

I guess what I mean to say is that I managed to be civilized while speaking to Todd Grey, Super Asshole.  And Todd Grey, Super Asshole continued to be the giant dick that he is.

Yeah. Liquor stores seriously need to be open 24 hours.

OK Seriously

Ok Seriously, explain to me HOW a freaking library book is soaking wet when it was bone dry when I dropped it in the book drop (along with about 6 other books and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on CD) outside the library.

Nice how the librarian called me up and sounded totally disgusted, as if I threw the book in the toilet before I put it in the book drop.

Every other book was completely fine, so according to her, that means that this is my fault.

Now what kind of ass would I be to throw a fucking sopping wet book into a book drop? I'm not a fucking moron, if I damaged a book I would just go in and pay for it. In fact, when the little assholes lost a fucking book I just went in and paid for it. (Incidentally I just found the fucking thing, but whatever). 

Honestly, is there no other option other than that I fucking sprayed a hose on this thing or what? It couldn't be that it fell outside of the bin and that it was wet there??? I swear to God I am not paying $25 for a fucking book that was perfectly normal when I dropped it into the book drop.

God this is so annoying. I really hope I don't have to break into the fucking book drop to prove my point - which is that something in there is wet, regardless of whether or not the fucking other books are all wet.  I would have noticed a fucking soaking wet book when I was dropping them off! There really is no need for the fucking librarian to treat me like some kind of fucking derelict, just because the rest of society acts like assholes half the time.

You fucking jackasses ruin it for all of us.

You actually ARE retarded.

Dear Husband:

You really are fucking brain dead. I realized this when I caught you pouring soap into the sink full of dishes.

This is why no dishes are ever clean in this house when you come in contact with them.

Here's the deal:  You pour the soap on the sponge and  wash each dish, adding more soap TO THE SPONGE as you go. You don't pour soap all over the dirty dishes and then turn the water on, swipe the sponge over them, and call them clean.

Moron.

Love,
Your Loving Wife.

Where do you find DUMB ADVICE? The internet, of course!

I got this e-mail the other day:

The question:

How should you handle a daughter who is being temperamental or moody? What can you do to help calm her down?

The Answers:

Chocolate!

Oh very good answer. So your kid can eat everytime she freaks out and turn into a fat ass emotional disaster. Good plan! Thanks for the advice!

Have you ever told her how you feel? That when she says or does certain things that it makes you sad/hurts your feelings?

Oh yeah, because the kid really fucking cares about my feelings.  The kid is 8, she cares about her own fucking feelings and nothing else. HELLO.

I guess, we can pray for her.. every night, you can lay your hands on your kids and just pray for them.. and trust God that they will change.. Believe and you will receive whatever you ask in prayer, as long as it is with in God's will.

Yes, because prayer has worked so well for me in the past. Which is why I've won the lottery 50 times and have more money than the Pope, my kids are always well behaved, and everyone loves me, there is peace on Earth, and happiness all over.

Do not fight with her while she is being moody. Later make sure she is clear about her moodiness and how it affects other people.

Great idea. I'll just let her scream on the floor like a psycho and not scream back at her. That'll be easy!

My partners daughter is sooo moody! When she is with us i just quietly remind myself that she isnt mine and take deep breaths! She isnt mine so i cant give her the strong talking to she needs and all i can think is that when my daughter is that age there is no way she will get away with treating me like that!

You know what I love? When people who have no kids (or who don't have the same problems you have) give advice. Yeah dick, it seems real easy when it isn't you.

Fucking jackasses abound.

YAY THE REVOLUTION BEGINS!

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just So You Know

Just so you ALL know:

YES I have to fucking deal with this shit every day. YES! This is how it is. YES there is ALWAYS a kid climbing on kitchen counters to get cups to pour juice and then spill juice all over the floor.

Yes there are always kids here chasing each other around and never cleaning up after themselves.

YES there is always a dinner being cooked that no kids will eat.

YES there are constantly Cheerios in the carpet and also chips and probably crackers as well.

YES every day I have to chase a kid who escapes outside. EVERY DAY.

YES every day I have to make sure a kid doesn't electrocute himself by sticking a fork in the toaster or an electrical socket.

YES every day I have to make sure a kid doesn't choke on a cock ring he found in my nightstand drawer that I bought at a Passions party and never used except as an item on a scavenger hunt.

YES there is ALWAYS laundry.

YES I am CONSTANTLY DRIVING my kids places in my car. AND YES, they do have to do everything.

AND YES, THIS IS WHY I DRINK.

Dear Baby Demolition Man:

Dear Baby Demolition Man:

MUST YOU throw all the forks, knives and spoons out of the drawer and onto the kitchen floor?

Must you eat out of the garbage?

Must you hide all the cable cards?

Must you fling cat litter all over the house?

Must you throw clean, folded laundry into the trash?

MUST YOU????????????

I do love you, but please get  your shit together.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Love of My Life:

Dear Love of My Life:

STOP FUCKING SAYING SUNDAY IS YOUR ONLY DAY OFF. You stupid fuck. At least you get Sunday. I GET NO DAY.

You asstard.

Say it again and see what happens, fuckface.

Love you!
Love,
ME

Dear Moron:

Dear Moron:

Just so you know, if the laundry machine is occupied, THAT MEANS IT IS FUCKING OCCUPIED. It is NOT laundry room protocol to REMOVE the clean clothes from the washer and to throw them WET into the dryer with clean, dry clothes so that you can use the washing machine.

A normal person says "Hey, I need to use the washer, can you get your clothes out"? OR they take the clothes out of the dryer, and put them in a laundry basket and take the clothes from the washer and throw them in the dryer, thereby freeing up the washing machine. Duh.

Moreover, one does NOT take THEIR wet clean clothes from the washing machine, and then throw them in the dryer with the 2 FUCKING LOADS THAT ARE ALREADY IN THERE (because, in case anyone is having issues following this complex stupidity, there was 1 clean, dry load in the dryer, to which Moron then added 1 clean wet load and turned the dryer on, so that is 2 clean dry [damp] loads of laundry and then added HIS stupid clean wet clothes to the fucking 2 loads already in the dryer for a fucking total of 3 fucking loads of laundry in the dryer).

Not only are you just plain stupid, but you are wasting soap, electricity, dryer sheets and energy (by picking out your dumb clothes from the 2 loads in the dryer which were MINE) and killing the environment slowly.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Jackass.

Love,
ME

Yeah

You dumb douche, just so you fucking know, just because I "stay home every day" doesn't mean that it is my fucking "day off".
I do more in 15 minutes than you fucking do in 8 hours of work AND I'm better looking too. So HA.

You dick.

Love,
Me

Dear 40 Year Old Virgin Wannabe

Dear 40 Year Old Virgin Wannabe:

Listen, get the fuck away from your secretly Lesbo girlfriend and find a real fucking woman to be in a real relationship with!

Do this QUICKLY before we end up waxing your body hair and having to give you dating lessons.  I'm tired because I have 3 kids and a husband to fucking take care of, so taking you on would prove to be a gargantuan effort.

I really can't afford to send you a Russian mail order hooker, especially since I defaulted on my student loans. Todd Grey Super Asshole would shit a brick if I charged sex for you and didn't send him any money.

If possible, perhaps you can find a rich girl who will love you so much she will pay to get your dear old friend out of debt?

It's not impossible! You are cute and funny and smart. What more could a girl want?*

Love you!
Me

*IF ANYONE WANTS A DATE WITH THIS CUTIE PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE.  I'LL PUT YOU IN TOUCH.

Dear Children:

Dear Children:

I am very sorry you are stuck with my pathetic ass as a mother. Maybe if you didn't drive me fucking insane all day, I would be better to you.

Love you,
Mommy

P.S. It's my fucking birthday today, so just TRY for 24 fucking hours to be fucking quiet, to not fight, and to leave me the hell alone. This goes DOUBLE for Daddy. 

OK Headline News

Dear Headline News:

I really love watching you all day but COME ON. I don't fucking give 2 fucks about the Conrad Murray/Michael Jackson trial.

I mean, Michael was great and everything, but he's gone and it is very sad that his doctor was a fucking retard, but I definitely don't need all fucking day coverage.

I want to know what happened to that girl in Aruba! Can we go back to that? Cause that guy was a fucking creep and clearly is guilty as sin since he hired the devil himself Jose Baez to defend him.

Thanks!

Yours Truly,
ME

Dear Jackasses:

Dear Jackasses:

Don't tell my kids you are going to do something, get them all fucking excited about it, and then fuck them over. 

It's so not OK.

Douches.

Love,
ME

You Were My Favorite, Now You Have Learned The Evil Ways of the Middle Spawn

I guess I knew this day would come, but still it saddens me.

The whole bathroom flooded and all the water cascaded down into the laundry room downstairs.

Thank you Baby Spawn for flushing an entire roll of toilet paper, along with every single solitary thing in the bottom drawer of my vanity down the toilet. 

It caused a flood the likes of which Middle Spawn has never accomplished. And the student becomes the master.  Be afraid. Be very afraid.

It was nice to see the plumber though. It's been years since MS caused havoc with the pipes.

Dear Bitch:

Dear Bitch:

Thanks for screaming and crying and hiding under the table when it is time for you to do your homework.

Now your little bro thinks this is the normal thing to do when it is homework time.

I appreciate it.

Love,
Mom