You Little Jackass!

Thanks, MS, for fucking making me chase your sorry little ass around the yard because you don't want to go to school "first".

Guess what you little shit?  You go first, AND YOU COME THE FUCK HOME FIRST. Your freaking sister has to stay at school all the live long day and you get home after 3 hours. I seriously don't know what the fuck you are complaining about.

Newsflash! You can't just sit around on your ass playing Super Mario Bros. all fucking day.

Todd Grey, Super Asshole

Well the Dickbag collection agency called again. I had the lovely pleasure of having the following conversation with Todd Grey, Super Asshole, the man hell bent on harassing the shit out of me, and being an all around giant douchebag.

Todd Grey, Super Asshole (TGSA):  You never got back to me from our last conversation so I am calling back to find out what you decided to do about paying your debt.

Me:  Well, I didn't realize I had to get back to you, because I hung up the phone when you wouldn't listen to me or have a discussion like a normal human being.

TGSA:  I don't recall that.

Me: Let me refresh your memory:  YOU wouldn't stop talking, and YOU wouldn't listen to anything I was saying. YOU were being a jerk, so I hung up on you.

TGSA: Well I was simply explaining what would happen.

Me: OK. I realize what would happen. I'm telling you AGAIN. I have no money in the bank, no house, no job, I have NOTHING. I can't even give you $10 a month. As soon as I am working again, I will arrange a payment schedule. There is nothing, NOTHING I can do as of right now.  I have to charge food on my credit card every week.

TGSA:  Well you have (starts listing all my credit cards) and with a significant down payment we can resolve this right away.

Me: You are not seriously suggesting I borrow money from my credit cards at a higher interest rate than my student loan to pay you are you? Because it isn't happening. And besides, I already TOLD YOU that I need my credit cards to buy food for my 3 kids. I'm not using my credit card to pay you and then I have nothing to feed my family. Get serious.

TGSA:  You have a GEM Bank card with a $75,000 credit limit on it and only a $1,000 balance, you could charge this entire balance on your credit card if you wanted to.

Me: I DO NOT have a credit card with a $75,000 balance. Are you insane?

TGSA:  I'm looking at your credit report right now.

Me: Well then we have a fucking problem, because someone stole my identity. I don't have a credit card with that kind of limit.

----------more arguing ensues before dickbag Todd Grey, Super Asshole realizes he can't read numbers right and that I do not in fact have a credit card with a $75,000 limit.

Me:  Listen, give me a job. I can make harassing phone calls from home; I can be an asshole and call people and harass them -  and then I'll have enough money to pay you.

TGSA: You're doing that right now and anyway we don't hire people who don't pay their student loans.

Me:  Oh right. You're funny.

TGSA:  Well since you are unwilling to discuss a payment schedule...

Me: I can't make a payment. I can pay you $1 a month. If you are lucky.

TGSA: The lawyers will be contacting you.

Me: Great. Have fun with that. Because I have nothing. Oh, and by the way... You're a dick.

Then I hung up.

Time to get my name off our joint bank account I guess. Although there's only $14.50 in there, so Todd Grey, Super Asshole can have that if he wants it.

OK, Bitch, We're All Struggling

Since I am dead ass broke, and since I don't need an excuse to stuff myself full of all the carnival food I can eat for free, I helped out my friend working at a street fair selling zeppoles. IT WAS SO FUN.

Besides the guy with 1,000 piercings in his face (sorry I didn't bring my camera or you know there would be a picture here), and the dumb bitch who complained that she wanted "big" zeppoles and could I refill the bag with "big" ones because last night she got little "scrawny" ones and they were "horrible" (but yet the dumb whore was back for more, but whatever), there was the woman who couldn't bear to pay for them and had to beg at the window to get them for free.

Beggar woman (BW):  Come on, isn't there a discount at the end of the night?

Me:  No.

BW: Oh come on, you'd rather just throw them all away than give them to me for free?

Me:  Well there won't be any left, and if there is, I'm taking them home to my kids.

BW:  Oh come on, this is ridiculous. You know you just throw them away.

Me:  I'm telling you, there won't be any left.

BW:  You know, I'm only asking because I am really struggling.

Me:  Lady, don't talk to me about struggling. I'm a fucking attorney and I'm working in a zeppole cart.

BW:  Ohhhhhh.  (Look of horror crosses her face).

Me:  Times are rough lady, it's a depression. It'll get better. Until then, everyone's just gotta do what they gotta do.

BW: Ohhhh, I want to tell you my story....

Yada Yada Yada, blah fucking blah. I had to sit there and listen to this bitch cry and complain about her house burning down, her other house getting flooded, her lack of money, how she had to move, MEANWHILE she's dicking around dropping at least $100 for her and her 2 kids to go to a street fair (you know those POP bracelets are a fucking rip off), and trying to get $4 zeppoles for free.

Give me a FUCKING BREAK!

OK Dipshit

Yeah, you better stop ordering shit off the fucking coffee truck. Don't you know we are fucking broke? STOP ORDERING FOOD FROM THE FUCKING COFFEE TRUCK GUY WHEN THERE IS PERFECTLY GOOD FOOD IN THE HOUSE FOR YOU TO TAKE TO WORK WITH YOU YOU JACKASS.

Cause guess what? You'll have to pay for your fucking Jamaican beef patties and fucking dirty water dogs with blow jobs because I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANY MONEY TO PAY HIM ANYMORE.

ASS.

Dear Money Hungry Jackasses:


How nice to find this e-mail in my inbox:

Dear Alumni,

I am writing with the exciting news that Hofstra Law has received a $20 million gift from Maurice A. Deane '81, a distinguished alumnus who forged a unique 30-year commitment to Hofstra when he embarked on a law degree after a successful career as a business executive. In recognition of Mr. Deane and in gratitude for the gift — the largest single gift in the history of Hofstra University — we are proudly renaming the Law School the Maurice A. Deane School of Law at Hofstra University.

This gift to the Law School's endowment will provide in perpetuity annual income for enhancing academic quality and student support. Most striking is that, although our school was only established four decades ago, this gift ranks among the top 20 donations to any American law school. This capstone gift speaks volumes to the value of a Hofstra Law degree, both past and present, and affords us new resources as we extend the Hofstra legacy forward.

Mr. Deane defines the kind of excellence we strive for every day at the Law School. He is a distinguished professional who built Endo Laboratories into one of the nation's largest privately held pharmaceutical companies. After facilitating a successful sale to DuPont, Mr. Deane continued to lead the company as an independent subsidiary until his retirement.

Mr. Deane's business success is matched by his intellectual ambition and love of the law, which he pursued later in life. At the age of 50, Mr. Deane enrolled in Hofstra Law and made his mark as an extraordinary student, mentor and professional role model to his classmates, graduating first in his class. Ever since, he has steadily given back to the Law School in many ways, including endowing a Distinguished Professorship in Constitutional Law and, with his wife, Barbara, a Law School scholarship and the Law Library.

Equal to Mr. Deane's financial support has been his unflagging commitment and longstanding service to both the Law School and Hofstra University. A truly engaged member of our community, Mr. Deane has mentored many graduates, served on a number of key committees and acted as a trusted adviser in his capacity as member and chair of the university's board of trustees.

Naming the Law School after Mr. Deane is a natural extension of the long history the man and the institution share and seems a fitting way to close out the Law School's 40th anniversary year — a year in which we celebrate our past and turn to ambitious plans and opportunities ahead.

I hope to see many of you at a convocation we are planning to formally celebrate Mr. Deane's generosity and rededicate the Law School in tribute to his caliber as an exceptional professional, student and alumnus.
Sincerely,

Nora V. Demleitner
Dean and Professor of Law

It's lovely to see that people DO have money and want to spend it on ridiculous nonsense.  So nice you are naming the building after this guy and doing all kinds of stupid shit that no one needs. Why not forgive some poor ass students' school loans who can't fucking make any money in this dipshit economy????


Better yet GIVE ME THE 20 fucking MILLION!!! I will fucking name a kid after you!!!!!!


Love,
ME

Note to Self 32

It's pretty pathetic when you have to borrow money from your 4 year old to pay for your library fines.

I'm just saying.

You Have GOT To Be Fucking Kidding Me

Upon returning to my house after taking the baby for a walk, what should I find on the table but a note left for me by my darling husband*:

What a fucking douchebag.  Let me tell you something sweetheart, I have my own fucking list for YOU:

1.  Make enough money so that I can hire a fucking maid, AND
2.  Start using your fake vagina.  It was a gift!!!! The person who gave it to you spent a lot of money for your enjoyment.
3.  Get a vasectomy.


*Names have been omitted so that this letter cannot be used as evidence when I fucking rip his balls off.

To The Powers That Be:

To The Powers That Be:

I am up to my ASS in fucking fundraisers! Magazines, wrapping paper, nuts, etc. AND THIS IS JUST THE FIRST FUCKING WEEK OF SCHOOL! I know more of this shit is on its way.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FUNDRAISER FOR ME?????

I'm fucking broke as shit, yet getting a People Magazine subscription, a fucking box of peanut brittle and some peace sign wrapping paper all to support MS's preschool, & BB's girl scout troop.  Meanwhile, I'm living off my fucking credit cards, and about to get my legs broken by a dickbag collection agency employee. 

I propose a fundraiser to save my ass. We can call it whatever you want (I am open to suggestions). 

Love,
ME

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Dear God:

There are bananas in the toaster; there's baby powder ALL OVER THE CARPET.  The boys must have rolled in the baby powder, as they both are covered in it and resemble mini pillsbury doughboys.

I have to take 2 kids to 2 different soccer practices at the same time. I cooked pork chops at 3:30 so we would have dinner when we finally get home, but I think they are raw in the middle.

There's juice on the floor, toys everywhere, and I feel an anxiety attack coming on. I can't drink a glass of wine BECAUSE I HAVE TO DRIVE 3 KIDS ALL AROUND TOWN.

Please just let me win the lotto. I don't want a lot, just enough to hire a chauffeur and maid and pay the Mafia (aka the Student Loan Collection Agency Assholes). Thanks! I appreciate it.

Love,
ME

1-800 Dentist: YOU SUCK

Out of desperation, I used your stupid service to find a dentist, because my dentist, who I LOVED, and used for 10 years had a partner who was a dickbag, and also the office manager was a stupid twat.

Long story short, after going to the stupid doctor for months and MONTHS with a so called sinus infection, and taking antibiotics out the ass, I DISCOVERED THAT I NEEDED A ROOT CANAL and there was nothing fucking wrong with my sinuses AT ALL! So the dickbag partner starts the root canal (because the dickbag partner does all the root canals on back teeth). Well my tooth was so fucking rotten that the start of the root canal did NOTHING to ease my pain.  At which point, I called dickbag and asked for an antibiotic because I had a feeling my tooth was infected. Dickbag said NO. WHY, do you ask? WELL, I would LOVE TO KNOW. He acted like I was asking for fucking percosets or something. I WAS NOT. All I wanted was fucking amoxicillin. After lengthy argument dickbag finally gave me the stupid antibiotic prescription. AFTER 1 DAY I IMPROVED SIGNIFICANTLY! Take that dickbag! Well about 2 days AFTER I finished the antibiotic the fucking pain came back. Which, and I'm no doctor, led me to believe that the infection came back and I needed a stronger antibiotic. Dickbag wouldn't give it to me.

So anyway, in the meantime, I had paid what the bitch at the front desk told me I had to pay for the root canal (WHICH was going to take 4 visits - 4 fucking visits!!!!!!) before my very first appointment. After I was ALL DONE and fighting with dickbag for an antibiotic, the bitch tells me I owe more money. It turns out the bitch billed it wrong and with all the fighting expected me to pay for it because they couldn't appeal it or resubmit it because too much time had passed or whatever. WELL GUESS WHAT? That AIN'T MY PROBLEM BITCH! Do your fucking job right and this shit won't happen.

I had to call my oral surgeon who took my wisdom teeth out and beg him to pull my tooth out. He wouldn't. HE GAVE ME A STRONG ANTIBIOTIC in the hopes that he could save my tooth, AND IT WORKED! He couldn't understand why dickbag wouldn't just give me a freaking antibiotic.

Anyway, I'm in tremendous pain and aggravated beyond belief, so I write dickbag a note telling him to go fuck themselves and begin my quest for a new dentist. I get loads of referrals from friends, and I pick one and go to him. He was great. Unfortunately he didn't take my insurance (but neglected to tell me that when I went to him. In fact, he took a copy of my insurance card and information before I even set foot in there and then it turned out after I was done, he let me know he didn't accept the insurance.  HELLO why didn't you tell me that when you saw my insurance card??) So that was a whole other fight.

Then I think to myself, "why not try 1-800-DENTIST??? Well my first clue that they SUCKED was the fact that the first referral she gave me was a pediatric dentist. The receptionist who answered the phone there sounded pretty pissed off that they keep referring patients to them.  But still I kept trying because what else can I do?

She sends me to this really nice place that is close by and even has Sunday hours. WELL, what a fucking nightmare that was. That place actually made me scared to go to the dentist, and I have anxiety even thinking about ever going back (which is bad, cause I need to go, because my fucking filling fell out and I can feel my tooth rotting out of my skull. But I keep imagining the hum of the drill and it gives me heart palpitations). 

After getting 3 shots of novocaine and still feeling everything, I just grinned and beared it and hung onto the chair while he drilled my tooth away.  I still feel the pain just writing about it. When I got out, I looked like a prisoner of war or a refugee or something. Sweat was pouring down my back, my hair was all wet and hanging, and I was green.  GREEN! When I walked into my house, my mother in law (who was visiting) said "what the hell happened to you"? I had to go to bed. 

I thought it was just a freak thing or maybe the freaking cavity was too deep or something.  But then my husband went to the dentist. He had the same experience. Only the dentist gave him like 6 shots to numb him, NONE OF WHICH WORKED. He then told the husband that he couldn't legally give him any more. So my husband felt everything as well.

Needless to say none of us are ever going back. AND I paid up front for all that torture and again they asked for more money! It's only $40 but still. I asked for an EOB because I never got one showing that I owe more money, and they never sent it to me, and instead sent me to collections. I want to see why the bill is $40 more, cause I AM NOT PAYING FOR all the extra shots the asshole had to give us THAT DIDN'T EVEN WORK.  I guess I'll be in collections AGAIN. Woo Hoo!

Meanwhile, my tooth is rotting away and I'm too fucking traumatized to go to any dentist.  So now what??????

Maybe back to the oral surgeon to just get this fucker pulled.

Thanks 1-800-DENTIST, you fucked me big time.

P.S. Dickbag's office gave a really GREAT cleaning. All these other offices SUCK. I feel better after brushing my own teeth than I do after getting a cleaning at the Novocaine King's office. My teeth feel cleaner after using Listerine than they did after a cleaning at that jackass' office. This is ALL dickbag's fault.  Now I'm fucked for life.

Dear Mom:

Dear Mom:

I sincerely apologize. When I took off Baby Spawn's clothes to throw him and Middle Spawn in the tub, I really didn't think he would run into your apartment, naked, and shit on your floor.  What can I say? He moves fast!

Love,
ME

Dear Society:

Dear Society:

I must apologize for the behavior of my jackass of a daughter.

All day long we have had to hear the screams:

YOU ARE A PROMISE BREAKER.

YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER EVER.

All I want is my DS. HOW SIMPLE IS THAT? IS IT IN YOUR POCKET? CAUSE I NEED IT. I want to play it. I WANT MY DS RIGHT NOW. PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSEEEEE???

Give me another chance with the DS. PLEASE?

YOU ARE SO MEAN.

OH PLEASE MAMA.

MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT

WHERE IS IT. I WANT TO PLAY MY POKEMON GAME ON THE DS TELL ME PLEASE MOMMY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

AM I GONNA SAY THIS TIL I AM DEAD? PLEASE TELL ME.

I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY IF YOU TELL ME WHERE IT IS. IF YOU GIVE ME THE DS I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY.

MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH? MAYBE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A DS IS BECAUSE YOU SPEAK CHINESE? TELL ME WHERE IT IS CHINESE GIRL?

DO YOU EVEN HEAR ME???

DO YOU HAVE EARPLUGS IN?

I have to say that the Bitch isn't getting her fucking DS.  Because she makes it her business to make me look like a fucking psycho everywhere I go by laying on the soccer field screaming, throwing handfuls of grass at me, hitting me and making me chase her all around while everyone laughs at me.

I don't know why she isn't embarrassed to be a total lunatic? No one acts like her. Out of 200 people running around the soccer field at any given time, SHE were the only one acting like a jackass.

I need the fucking Supernanny or Maury Povitch to take her to fucking boot camp. 

In any event, the only way to teach this bitch a lesson is not to give in to her insanity. Although THAT doesn't seem to work either as we are all fucking suffering.

Any suggestions would be nice. And no, I can't murder her or have her kidnapped.

She is a total psycho.

Again, I apologize.

Love,
ME

Inappropriate Questions Deserve Inappropriate Answers

HELLO JACKASSES!

I may have said this before, but, trust me, it bears repeating.
Stop asking newly married couples when they are going to have kids. IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!

After reading this blog, I am SURE half the childless men have gone to get vasectomies. 

In the meantime, ladies, I have the PERFECT response for you when asked this MOST INAPPROPRIATE of questions:

Q:  When are you going to have kids?

A:  After my last abortion, the doctor told me I was infertile.

Dear MS:

Dear MS:

Squirting whipped cream down your throat right from the can is NOT considered eating lunch.  Just FYI.

Love you!
Mommy

Dear Kids:

Dear Kids:

Yes you are the lights of my life, but seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?

When I say "we can't play with our toys or do anything until the house is clean" you should all HELP CLEAN THE FUCKING HOUSE.

BUT NO! Instead you lay around and whine and then, when I am finished cleaning, you get up
AND MESS THE WHOLE FUCKING PLACE UP AGAIN.

I'm living in the fucking movie Groundhogs day, and just repeating the same shit every fucking day. NOTHING CHANGES. 

I'm on my fucking way to insanity. Thanks a fucking lot!

Love,
MOM

P.S. Is this your fucking plan? To have me institutionalized so that you won't have to take care of me in my old age?

Dear Dickhead:

Dear Dickhead:

Let me get this straight:

You are too tired to wash your dinner dishes, too tired to get the kids a snack, too tired to watch TV and too tired to make yourself a sundae, BUT you are NOT too tired for sex?

I suggest you put your dick to sleep.

Maybe if I didn't have to do all this fucking shit, I WOULDN'T BE TOO TIRED FOR SEX.

Jackass

Love,
ME

Dear MS:

Dear MS:

Seriously, you don't have to run out to the bus stop to watch your sister get on the bus EVERY SINGLE MORNING barefoot and in your mismatched pajamas (WHICH YOU CONSTANTLY HAVE ON BACKWARDS! How many times do I have to tell you?? THE TAG GOES IN THE BACK!!! You have a 50-50 shot every time AND EVERY TIME YOU GET IT WRONG. WTF is wrong with you????).

If I've told you once, I've told you a ZILLION times! You need to put your shoes on before you come outside! I mean it's rained every day and you've been running barefoot through the mud!

What do you think is so great out there anyway???? I'm sure next year, when you actually have to be on the freaking bus in the morning, you will NOT be so willing to run out there.

Love you!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Mommy

A Thank You Letter

Dear Baby Spawn:

Thanks for this! It was so fun:

You know how hard it is to get dip out from in between those buttons????

Love ya!
Mommy

Dear Collection Agency:

Dear Collection Agency:

I'm so sorry that I am out of work and destitute. I don't know what you want me to do. I can't just print my own money because that is a felony. 

I'd LOVE to pay my student loan, except the economy is shit and I have 3 young kids to support. Obviously I'm gonna buy food for my family and gas for my car before I pay you, especially since that stupid ass education did nothing for me.

It's a nice scam you and the government have going on - making people feel like they have no choice but to go to college and grad school in order to find a decent job, but then upon graduation, it ends up being impossible to find a job even at Taco Bell.  I also love that since I was self employed I can't collect unemployment EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO WORK AND that I can't declare bankruptcy, even though I am basically fucking bankrupt.  I'm sure if I was an illegal alien, I'd be able to collect unemployment, food stamps, and go to school for free, but since I'm not, my entire family and I are just fucked.

In any event, I have an idea! GIVE ME A JOB AT YOUR COLLECTION AGENCY! Surely I can make threatening phone calls to people and act like an asshole from home. Then I'll have money to pay the stupid loan off, and won't have to put my kids into daycare (which would require me to have a side job pole dancing just to afford the $3,000+ a month it would cost for daycare for 3 kids).
Love,
ME

P.S. - I AM full blooded Italian, so I'm sure your mafia-like tactics will come very easy to me.  I can threaten and menace people and also talk over them when they are trying to answer the questions I ask them.  Looking forward to it!

Love,
ME

P.P.S.  I especially LOVE the threat of litigation!! This I see as a bonus, because at least I'll be in a courtroom using my degree when you sue me. 

Love,
ME

F the Terrorist Assholes

It's been 10 years, so remember those who were killed by DOING SOMETHING GOOD. If you can't think of anything, here is a list:

1.  Adopt a soldier at http://www.adoptaplatoon.org/  - they are fighting FOR YOU and a letter once a week and a package every so often REALLY makes their day.  OR welcome home a soldier at a local airport. Find out where at  http://www.patriotguard.org/

2. Donate to Angel Eyes http://www.angeleyes.org/index-5.html  in honor of my friend who lost her son to SIDS. SIDS is bullshit and we need to figure out how to eliminate it forever!

3. Become a bone marrow donor in honor of my friend, another friend's husband and another friend's 4 year old son. You don't even have to leave your house - they send you a kit to swab your cheek and you mail it back to them -  http://www.dkmsamericas.org/.

4. Donate to the American Cancer Society in honor of the too many I know and love who are fighting cancer or who have lost their battles with cancer at http://www.cancer.org/.

5.  In honor of my friend's son donate to http://www.pwsausa.org/.

6.  In honor of my friend donate to http://www.nationalmssociety.org/.

7.  In honor of my friends who have lost their babies and all of the premie babies born donate to http://www.marchofdimes.com/.

8.  For my cousin who suffers from Autism, and all of my friends with children also suffering donate to http://www.autismspeaks.org/.

9.  GO GIVE BLOOD.

10.  http://www.tunneltotowers.org/  - donate to the Stephen Siller Tunnel to Towers foundation. He was a firefighter that lost his life on 9/11 and his foundation helps children who have lost parents, and injured firefighters, military personnel, etc.

11.  Donate to the Muscular Dystrophy Association in honor of my adorable little neighbor who is praying for a cure. Donate at: http://www.mda.org/post-telethon.htm

12.  Donate to the Traumatic Brain Injury Association of America, in honor of my cousin's young step daughter, who lost her life after a tragic accident. http://www.biausa.org/

13.  Donate to the Ovarian Cancer Research fund at http://www.ocrf.org/ in honor of my friend, who KICKED OVARIAN CANCER'S ASS (but even more so in honor of those who are losing their fight with this stupid disease).

Donate to one of these, donate to all of these or go find some other worthy cause JUST DON'T SIT AROUND AND DO NOTHING.  There's really no excuse for that.  Doing nothing makes YOU the jackass.

Dear Boys:

Dear Boys:

Thanks so much for busting the closet door off of its hinges and using it as a slide. I so love when you work as a team.

Love and kisses,

Mommy

Be Careful What You Wish For

Did I really want these assholes to go back to school? REALLY??????

Now I have homework and dance class, soccer practice, religion classes, swimming lessons, girl scouts, play dates, field trips......


The list goes on AND ON.

SOMEONE HELP!

Grab Your Pepper Spray Ladies!

Apparently a movement is afoot! I got a nice little comment this morning from our favorite psycho:

Here is a blog written by a man named Zero Tolerance Man, and he hates American women even more than I do.

Just face it ladies, millions of American men are starting to become sick of you and reject you. Maybe if you American women didn't act like such horrible bitches and sociopaths, men wouldn't be rejecting and boycotting you. You whores have no one to blame but yourselves.

Oh yes, my stalker is alive and well and can't let go.  He's back and spreading the word!  If you are lucky, all the fucking psycho's followers will be out harassing Indian mail order brides and will leave you alone! One can only hope!

The Argument For Sterilization

Have you heard about this winner?

She's the twit who was having a "bad day" because she "couldn't find anything to wear".  Apparently, her baby was being annoying, so she smacked her around and then blew pot in the baby's face.  The baby is 10 months old.

Yes I know kids are annoying as fuck. They really are. And I'm not gonna lie, I've thought of drugging the little jerks when they are at their worst. But that's just a fantasy! I would never actually do it.  This bitch is crazy! I mean, look at her!!!!

After you do something like this, they really should remove your uterus. I'm just saying. I mean we have Casey Anthony walking around saying she would like to have another child.  Should she be allowed to?? HELL NO! She should meet up with this bitch and go live in Hedonism or some Adults only place.

Stupid Ass.

Note to Self 31

Dude, you are not 22 anymore.  In your 30s the hangovers last 3-4 days.  Next time, PUT DOWN THE FOURTH GLASS OF WINE.

Know your limits, bitch.

Dear Subway Snobs:

Dear Subway Snobs:

I don't appreciate your bitchy looks as I smacked MS in the head with his croc on the subway.  You don't live with MS, so you can't possibly understand that HE DESERVED MUCH MORE THAN A SHOE TO THE HEAD.

Perhaps you missed him freaking out and flinging his shoes at me?

IF you took the time to watch, instead of giving me the death stare, you would have seen that he calmed the fuck down immediately after receiving the wack to the head. 

Don't judge me bitch! You only had to endure a 3 minute subway ride with these brats, but I've got them with me for life.

Love,
ME

California, Land of the Idiots

Dear California:

Are you retarded? How has this law actually passed in the Assembly? I don't get it:

A proposed law could put a dent in date night.

Under Assembly Bill 889, which has already cleared the Assembly, parents would have to provide babysitters with workers compensation, health insurance, vacation time and other benefits.

The law states that parents (domestic employers) who hire a babysitter on Friday night will be legally obligated to pay at least minimum wage to any sitter over the age of 18, provide a substitute caregiver every two hours to cover rest and meal breaks, in addition to worker's compensation benefits, and overtime.

The bill doesn't apply to family members who babysit, and excludes child care. Fresno Labor Lawyer Barry Bennett says the bill is meant to protect domestic employees including babysitters, nannies, and housekeepers.

Babysitter Christina Dimartini says the bill will hurt her when she needs to pay for books and other college expenses. "That's how I make my money, on weekends [because] I don't have time during the school days," she says.

Parents who fail to abide by the law will have to pay up to $4,000 in back pay and legal expenses.

WHAT THE FUCK? THIS IS INSANE.  I don't get a meal break!!!!! WTF????? What are you saying? I need to hire 2 babysitters?????? So they can give each other breaks?????? How ridiculous. And what about OVERTIME? What constitutes overtime???? How many hours??? This is bullshit.  Health insurance??? Seriously??? I can barely get health insurance through my husband's actual job!!!! AND WORKERS COMP?????? For what? Mental health benefits for when they are driven insane by the toddlers? WHERE'S MY MENTAL HEALTH BENEFITS????

You know what? California should pass a law that one parent should have to remain home at all times since they are making it fucking impossible for people to go to work. If you have to hire 2 fucking babysitters and pay for dental and give your babysitter a fucking paid vacation, you might as well just stay the fuck home and go on welfare. 

Stupid California.

What a bunch of asses.

I KNOW How She Does It

Does anyone else find it completely ridiculous that Sarah Jessica Parker is in this movie?



I mean, seriously, not only did she not even have to fuck Ferris Beuller to get those twins she has, she didn't even have to be pregnant or birth them! That means not one stretch mark, not one pound gained, no nausea, no vomiting, NO AVOIDING ALCOHOL!!

I'll tell you how she fucking does it! She has a team of doctors, surrogates, nannies, cooks, maids, personal assistants, trainers, stylists, etc. She can do whatever the hell she wants all day because SOMEONE ELSE IS TAKING CARE OF HER KIDS. SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY TAKING CARE OF HER EVERY NEED AND DESIRE.

Dear BB:

Dear BB:

Just to let you know, when you run away from home, your mom doesn't pack your suitcase for you. YOU have to do it yourself. Sorry.

xoxoxoxoxoxo
Love,
Mom

A Lesson In Courtesy

Please observe this simple conversation:
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Husband: Hi honey, I just called to let you know I'll be coming home from work late tonight.

Wife: Ok!

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See how easy that is??? It takes like 1 second!!! And no one has to worry that their husband has been in a horrific accident or something!