Dear Baby Spawn:

Dear Baby Spawn:

OK, I am down to ONE phone out of THREE thanks to your nonsense.

LEAVE THE PHONES ALONE! What the hell??? Where could you possibly put them? YOU ARE JUST A BABY? What the fuck are you doing????? Now the one phone I DO HAVE has no back thanks to you, and the stupid battery is hanging out of it.

I don't know what is worse! When you make phone calls or when you lose the phone!!!! At least you never called the police (yet), like your Evil Genius big brother.

And while you are at it, also STAY AWAY FROM:

1. The computer.
2. The cable cards.
3. My fridge.
4. The toilet.
5. The remotes. All of them.

Thanks!

Love ya!
Mommy

P.S. Stop climbing on my boxes full of stuff for the soldiers. If you fall off one more time and start crying I'm gonna have to throw my shoe at you. Seriously. SERIOUSLY! You KNOW what will happen! You keep doing it and the same thing happens every time! YOU FALL OFF. And CRY! I realize you are just a baby but don't you think you should figure this shit out by now? Cimbing on boxes = fall down = pain?????

Note to Self 28

UH OH, this shit could backfire SERIOUSLY.

YES it seemed like a good fucking idea to tell BB and MS that you would get them another cat if they showed some responsibility and cleaned up whenever you told them to.

So far its been two days and they have cleaned out the cat litter without even being asked to, AND keep asking what chores they can do to help.

Maybe banking on them getting bored of it all and determining it isn't worth it was a mistake!!! Could the laziest brat in the world really keep up this cleaning regimen???

I'M SCARED!!!

WTF! I don't need another mouth to feed and asshole to clean up after in this house!!!!!

Any suggestions on how to handle this predicament would be greatly appreciated!

You Fucking Retard:

You Fucking Retard:

In no way is it acceptable for you to be upstairs watching a soccer game while the two kids are in the pool.  I understand that you think you are watching them, and that you are sure that they won't drown, but really COME ON.

You fucking idiot.

What would you do if one of them started drowning? OK, FINE. They can both stand in the pool, and they both are awesome swimmers. BUT STILL. You never fucking know what could happen!!!! They could pass out, get knocked out, slip and fall off the ladder, I could GO ON AND ON.  I mean, you acted like you were watching them constantly from the window, BUT YOU WEREN'T. I get you are worried about there being no football this season, but to become obsessed with Women's World Cup Soccer is out of control*.  I cannot believe you would think it is ok to sit up here where you can't even hear or see the children WHILE THEY WERE SWIMMING! Who ARE you?**

Even if you were watching them out the window the entire time, SERIOUSLY, what would you have done if one of them***started drowing?? You wouldn't even get out there fast enough to rescue them you stupid shit!

Then you get all upset when I start yelling at you about it. WTF? Like I'M the asshole???

You are a total sociopath.

THANK GOD I came home when I did!****

Asshole.

Love,
ME

*Go USA!!

**Casey Anthony????

***HEAVEN FORBID

****How pathetic I can't even trust my children with their own father. Fucking moron.

Dear Casey & OJ:

Dear Casey & OJ:

Thanks for making it A-OK for us to murder our spouses and/or children!

Great to know I'll never see ten seconds of jail time should I go on a killing rampage.

Good job!

Thanks.

Love,
ME

To the Manufacturer of the Claw Machine:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to forewarn you about the impending lawsuit I will be filing against you for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Your stupid fucking machine has caused me countless years of pain and suffering. 

My 7 year old daughter has a mental fucking breakdown every single time she puts the stupid 50 cents in and (of course) she doesn't win a stuffed fucking animal.

The straw that broke the camel's back in my case was when, at dinner last night, she threw herself onto the floor of Friendly's, kicking her legs and screaming. The child was practically hyperventilating.

I literally spent last night sick to my stomach with a raging migraine thanks to the trauma inflicted on me by my daughter as a result of your stupid fucking machine.

Go fuck yourself.

Thanks.

Love,
ME

Dear Dipshit:

Dear Dipshit:

THANK YOU for your boycott of American women.  We really appreciate your staying away from all of us as clearly you  are a pathetic loser that no woman in her right mind would date. I was thrilled to come across your comment on one of my blog posts:

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN
Why American men should boycott American women

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

As there are plenty of assholes out there, I think I can speak for all of us when I say again, THANK YOU for taking yourself off the market!

Clearly only retarded, crazy, ugly, desperate, & beastly women find you attractive, and this is why you have this perception of American women. You are such a winner that even the most disgusting and pathetic woman thinks you are such shit that she will cheat on you with the first person that comes along.

I can only hope that the poor foreign women you find are smart enough to run far the fuck away from you.

Love,
ME

P.S. Just to blow your stupid theory out of the water and prove mine (which is that you are a fat stupid loser with no personality and that is why no woman in her right mind would date you):  I am an American woman who has a higher degree than my husband but is instead raising his three children instead of working full time. I say full time because I actually ALSO do work part time. And when I am ready to fucking go to work full time, I will make more money than my husband. So I really don't need to take all of "his" money. I'm also 110 lbs and have been my whole life. EVEN AFTER 3 KIDS. I manage to stay 110 lbs because I COOK HOME COOKED MEALS THREE TIMES A DAY for my entire family. I'm more responsible than my husband, who can't even balance a checkbook. I'm also more mature than him, since I always put the family's interests above my own, and he, like most men, puts himself first (I say this not to put him down, it is just a fact). Ok FINE maybe I am mentally unstable, but I was driven there by my husband and three children. In any event, you have to be crazy to do this job.

Love,
ME

P.P.S I have warned all my foreign female friends about you (although I am sure they are smart enough to know that you are a loser if they run into you).

Love,
ME

P.P.P.S I reported you for spamming.  Just a little gift from me to you.

Love,
ME

P.P.P.P.S. Glad to see you getting your 15 minutes of fame! It was such a thrill to see you on TV holding up your Casey Anthony Will You Marry Me Sign! Maybe you'll get lucky! I mean no sane man on Earth would ever want her. However I am sure that even SHE has standards and if I had to bet on it, I would bet good money that even SHE would turn YOUR SORRY PATHETIC ASS down.
Protesters Outside Courthouse For Casey Anthony Sentencing - Photos - WFTV Orlando *

Love ya!
ME

*Just so douchebag doesn't sue me or something, I don't know if it is really him. It's probably likely that they are two different assholes. I know! Who knew there would be more than one guy who is THIS STUPID?

Dear Toys R Us:

Dear Toys R Us:

Fuck you.

SERIOUSLY!

School JUST LET OUT ON FRIDAY.  The kids haven't even been home for the summer a full fucking day yet! Explain to me why you fucking sent me the Back to School flyer with fucking deals on backpacks good til July 24th THE FUCKING VERY NEXT MONDAY? What did you do? Mail the shit out on the last fucking day of school? Assholes.

I don't even know who my kid has as her teacher! I don't know what supplies she needs. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you getting this shit out of the way so you can ram Christmas down my throat starting in fucking August?

I HATE YOU. And the sad sorry fact is if I don't buy the fucking backpack in July there won't be ANY FUCKING LEFT. Just like, even though summer just started, you can't find a water toy, swimming pool, tiki torches or slip and slide anywhere. All the summer stuff has gone bye bye and summer is only DAYS old.

I HATE YOU STUPID STORES!! Just fucking once, I want to be able to go to the store the day before Halloween to buy my Halloween candy. Only you can't. Because they throw the Halloween shit out five days before Halloween and all you can get is Christmas kisses and Candy Canes. Which isn't fair, because honestly, if I buy my Halloween candy 6 months in advance the way the stupid stores want me to, I EAT IT ALL and then I have to go to the store to buy more. BECAUSE THEIR ISN'T ANY.

Stop RUSHING ME! This is why people all around are suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. It's because you are RUSHING all the holidays on them.

LEAVE US ALONE!

Love,
ME

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn 5

MS & Martha Stewart: 2 Peas In A Pod

MS has a bit of Martha Stewart in him.

The other day, all the parents were outside at a bbq while the children went inside to play Wii or whatever. I went in the house to use the bathroom where I found MS serving microwave popcorn that he made by himself to all the kids! Also, he was serving leftover pizza. Everyone got their own plate! MS is quite the little Host!

Then, he made sure to get everyone their own pillow and blanket, and assigned them to a space on the floor or either his bed or BB's. He even put on the Pokemon movie for their enjoyment.

In essence, the four year old MS was pretty much babysitting, and doing a better job than I could have done!! He definitely paid more attention to the kids than I would have!

Twaddler

Dear Tutor Time:

Ok, seriously, what comes to mind when you hear the word "TWADDLER".  I'm telling you right now it is not babies or children of any kind. When I came across your brochure the other day, you can imagine the hysterics. I have really never laughed so hard in my life.

Ok fine, there is a picture of a little kid on the cover under the word 'Twaddler" but all I could do is laugh. Do me a favor, and google "twaddler". I'll save you the trouble. You want to know what comes up:

1.  TWADDLER: 

Twat waddler. Obnoxious woman (often fat and otherwise generally disgusting) who appears to have a corn cob shoved up her ass when she walks. She is of little use in general, talks too much, and often has a voice which rapes your ears. It's usually all one can do to avoid the twaddler invoking the natural, undeniable, involuntary physical reflex of a punch to the throat after any conversation over a few seconds in length.

The fat obnoxious twaddler was so busy running off at the mouth as she twaddled down the stairs, that she tripped and fell the rest of the way down, breaking every bone in her disgusting body.*

 

Now, if it were me and I were running a day care, I totally would not want one of the programs to be associated with a fat ass woman with a corn cob shoved up her ass, but that's just me. I also wouldn't want to put MY kid in a TWADDLER program.

 

Do yourself and everyone else a favor and CHANGE THE NAME!

 

You can thank me later.

 

Love,

ME

 

 

 

*Thank you http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=twaddler

Dear God:

Dear God:

Is there any possible way I can take a shit without someone banging on the bathroom door and annoying the fuck out of me?

Just wondering.

Thanks.

Love & Devotion,
Me

Evil Fucking Empire

Dear Evil Empire:

Once again, YOU SUCK!

Note my invoice:

You see the item Description (in case your eyes are bad it says Intex Metal Frame Pool (13" x 39")? Yeah well instead of having the item ordered for me delivered to my house, I got a stupid blow up pool that is a health hazzard and sure to kill either one of mine or some of the neighborhood children. 

FINE. So you FUCKED UP at the factory or whatever. NO BIGGIE. But we all know how the fucking Evil Empire is with returns.

So I call BAY SHORE EVIL EMPIRE where I speak to a fucking sped who I am sure couldn't manage to graduate from 3rd grade.  He asks me for my item number. If you look at the top of my stupid Evil Empire invoice you will see the following columns:  QTY, which I assume means Quantity, but maybe I'm a retard, ITEM #, which I would assume would mean the item number, DPCI #, which I have no idea what the fuck that is, DESCRIPTION, again, self explanatory, GIFT WRAP, a duh, UPC which would be the bar code and RETURN METHOD. So when Dipshit asks me for the item number of the pool I am looking for (I called the store because under return method it says mail in or store and I don't feel like waiting til Christmas for the pool to arrive, so now I am calling local Evil Empires to see if they have the actual pool we ordered in stock), silly me, I give him the number that is under the column marked ITEM #.

Who could have known that the item number is not in fact the item number, but rather the DPCI number. I mean wouldn't it have been easier for him to ask for the DPCI number instead of going through the whole thing with me about "where did you get that number, that's not the right number" and making me feel like a tool? Ass.

So then Shit For Brains goes on to tell me that they do not have the pool in stock and that they have been waiting for it to come into their store for a week and that the best I could hope for is to call the store every day to ask if it has come in. Well I have nothing better to do than engage myself in a 20 minute conversation with the Mentally Challenged that are employed by the Evil Empire just for them to give me the fucking run around. I asked Numbnuts if he knew if they had it in any other store, and he told me to hang on, that he would check. After about 3 short minutes, Asstard comes back on the phone and says "no the only store that would possibly have it is Levittown", which if you are from around here, you know that Levittown might as well be fucking Mars. I am not hiking my ass to fucking Levittown for a fucking pool.

Not wanting to take the Brainiac's word for it, I called the store in Copaigue! Which is the next closest store to my Evil Empire in Bay Shore. Well what do you know? THEY HAVE THE POOL IN STOCK! I am sure Fucktard didn't even check for me, just left me on hold while he jerked off and ate a fucking bag of pop rocks. Thank God I know better than to trust the Evil Empire!! Assholes. (For the record, MIKE is the guy with a brain in Copaigue who helped me. Apparently he's the only person in the Evil Empire's employ who has a brain. Go Mike!).

And look at this:

This is the stupid back of the invoice which says:  SHAKE IT IF YOU GOT IT: Sometimes you just can't help but break out in a Happy Dance when you receive an order that you really, really like (c'mon, nobody's looking). So, we went ahead and provided the actual instructions - in case you need a refresher.  However, if you're not totally overjoyed with your purchase, we want to know. Please tell us why at Target.com/contactus.  Oh yeah. I really want to fucking dance my ass off at the thought of another humid ass day and no fucking pool to jump in. You big bunch of douches. How about instead of going all Fred Astaire on me and coloring doodles of fucking feet on the back of your invoices you take the time to actually send people what they ordered? Fucking morons.

Get a clue.

Love,
ME

Diary of a Bratty Bitch 2

Dear Diary:

I hate my mother.

She is SO annoying.

She's always vacuuming while I am trying to watch TV. It's so rude!!! I can't even hear iCarly.

AND she sucks up my hair clips, earrings, squinkies, peices to Operation, silverware for my Barbie Dream House, Barbie accessories, and any other little things I leave lying around in the vacuum (because let's face it, I am NOT cleaning up. That's HER job. I have enough to do without worrying about where I put my stuff).

What the hell is her problem??? Can't she do this shit when I'm not around? It's really cramping my style.

UGggggghhhhhh.

Sincerely,
BB

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn 4

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn 4:

Middle Spawn has taken to smacking Baby Spawn.

It seems that Baby Spawn gets in the way of Middle Spawn's "surfing" down the stairs.

A Heartfelt Thank You Note

Dear Little Shits:

Thanks SO VERY VERY VERY much for waking up the baby from his morning nap. It's always a treat for everyone when he actually gets a nice nap, and to have it interrupted really made for some super fun pre-lunch screeching.

Another special thank you for stuffing a bottle in his face and then LOCKING THE DOOR. I so appreciate help from the Under 5 Crew. The way you guys do things is top rate. I love your logic! Of course if you lock the door, no one can go in and wake the baby up!! No one can go in PERIOD.

Now I hear him crying, and cannot find the key in this disgusting sucking black hole of a house where everything disappears.

Again, I thank you!!! You guys are THE BEST.

Love,
ME

At the Risk of Sounding Repetitive

Dear Dipshit:

I don't want to be a fucking nag, but I just wanted to thank you AGAIN for insisting we get wall to wall carpet.

It's been great. I love the dirt and stains that are all over that I constantly have to clean. I especially love when one of the Spawn spills something.

Also it's fab having to vacuum at least 6 times a day*.

Thanks again for always being right! Congrats on yet another GREAT idea.

Love you honey!

Love,
Your Adoring Wife

*How many times a day do YOU vacuum? Scroll down and take the poll on the right.

Dear Baby Spawn:

Dear My Cute Little Baby Spawn:

Your new favorite hobby of throwing all the garbage out of the garbage pail and onto the kitchen floor while laughing hysterically is NOT amusing to anyone but you.

Cut it out!

Thanks!

Your Loving Mommy.

You Fucking Jerks!

You Fucking Jerks:

SHUT MY DOOR The fucking house is fucking infested with bugs because you idiots are INCAPABLE of shutting a fucking door.

Jackasses.

Love,
ME!

ATTN: Retards

ATTN: Retards

Ok, seriously, is it necessary to have these ridiculous diagrams that no one can understand in lieu of actual descriptive words? How can anyone possibly follow this? It is completely insane. 

I especially love the extra diagrams that really don't involve any steps in the assembly of whatever it is you are putting together.  REALLY, I think it would take less paper to simply write out the assembly instructions.

Somehow, I managed to put this stupid thing I bought for Baby Spawn's first birthday together. Don't ask me how. It certainly wasn't from looking at these stupid fucking pictures that explain nothing. All of those stupid arrows and little conversation balloons that say "CLICK" did NOTHING for me. NOTHING!!!

Who comes up with this shit???? Get a fucking clue!

The best is the stupid Pokemon toy I got today in a Mcdonald's happy meal. That stupid ass toy has directions accompanying it! WHY? It does NOTHING. They've included a piece of paper with the toy that directs you to shake it back and forth. WTF???? And then they complain that the rain forest is being eaten away but we are producing millions of little sqaures of paper with fucking stick figures on it and arrows supposedly indicating you are supposed to shake the stupid toy back and forth.



(I couldn't find mine to scan so I googled it and came up with the above fucking moron. Thank God he's there to help us figure out the fucking toy is a bobble head or what on Earth would we have done???? P.S. What kind of LOSER is so obsessed with these fucking Pokemon that he cleans out the Mcdonalds AND the Toys R Us??? Jackass)

ENOUGH ALREADY! It's craziness. Trust me, we'll figure it the fuck out. Stop with your stupid drawings. Thanks.

Love,
ME

This Guy Has the Right Idea

Have you all heard about this?



THIS is what the world is coming to! The first thing I thought of when I heard this was "GREAT IDEA". We should all go to fucking prison. We'd get better fucking healthcare than we do now!!!!!

It's just the beginning of the revolution. Let's all rob some banks!!!!!

Dear BB:

Dear BB:

Many thanks to you for getting a head start to summer vacation by missing the last 3 full days of school.

Am I supposed to believe this is a coincidence??? You are not sick AT ALL THE ENTIRE YEAR. You have never missed even ONE day and NOW suddenly, strep throat???? COME ON!?!??!??!??!?!

What kind of crap is this??????

This is bullshit, is what it is.

It's gonna be a looooooooooooooooooooooong ass summer.

Love,
Mommy

Yeah, YOU are the ONLY Person in the World that Matters

Dear Ass:

I realize that the two rooms they have at the pediatrician's office for "well" and "sick" children are pretty much bullshit. I mean, COME ON? Am I to believe that germs are incapable of floating across the lobby? Not to mention the fact that the bathroom is on the sick side, so that the "well" children have to go into the heart of Germ Country to take a piss.  Also, once you get into the exam room, who knows who was there before you with what disease. That stupid little piece of paper they put down on the exam table is supposed to do what? Anyway, I digress.

Taking an OBVIOUSLY sick child into the WELL waiting room is completely ludicrous. I mean seriously, who do you think you are? Are you SO SPECIAL that you think you are entitled to expose all of the WELL children in the Well Waiting Room to your nasty kid's barfing, rash covered, pink eyed, disgusting-ness? Who the fuck ARE you?

Are you famous? Are you Royalty? Are you an Alien? A Time-traveler?

Do us all a favor and get in your time machine and set the clock to a time when Doctor's made housecalls and leave the rest of us alone.

HEALTHY and ALONE.

Love,

ME

Dear Space Cadet:

Dear Space Cadet:

It pains me that you are gainfully employed FULL TIME and I can't even find a part time job flipping burgers. 

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT OF ME? The fucking power to read minds? I don't possess it. Sorry. So when I sent you a text message LAST TUESDAY inquiring about the work for the coming week, and I NEVER received a response, I thought that must mean that there is no work.  I thought this because THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY FUCKING WORK AND I AM GOING BROKE. So this wouldn't be unusual.

I had no idea that it could possibly mean that there in fact WAS work and that you would drop it off on my doorstep but never let me know about it.

How could I possibly make it to work BY 10:30 when you sent me a text message indicating that you left the work on my doorstep AT 10:13?

Thank you for making me hysterical. It was SO FUN, being that I am sick as a dog and so is BB, running all around like a psycho trying to get dressed, calling the court clerk to see what could be done, trying to get BB in the car and to a doctor's appointment, listening to Baby Spawn scream and Middle Spawn yell about how he is so hot, but yet he refuses to take off the long sleeves and pants. I so needed your nonsense on top of all this.

YET I find that all kinds of morons like you have jobs. WHAT THE FUCK? Maybe I should turn retarded? Perhaps that would enhance my resume?

GET A CLUE!

Love,
ME

Dear Baby Spawn:

Dear Baby Spawn:

Stop crying and leave me alone.

Love you!
Mommy

P.S.
Get away from the fucking cat food.

Note to Self 27

Note to Self 27:

Make up some sort of disease or condition that requires the use of medical marijuana and muscle relaxers otherwise you will never get through the fucking summer.

Also, start a petition to require school to be year-round.

OK

Dear Baby Spawn:

WTF? You are turning into a real pain in my ass.

I don't know how you managed to do it, but PLEASE stop pulling off my fridge door handle.

I'm seriously going to have to cage you or something.

Love ya!

Mommy

Retards Abound

Dear MS:

What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you possibly fall down while doing nothing but standing up?

It's not like you were running, or doing anything. You were just standing there! And then you just fell down! You should be one of the Three Stooges or something.

Love you!

Mom

Baby Spawn Does All His Own Stunts

Dear Baby Spawn:

Great trick today!

How nice that you got so excited that Daddy was leaving the house and you wanted to follow him. You must have forgotten that you are new at going up and down stairs.

It's cute that you wanted to chase him, but you scared the shit out of me when you got your foot caught in the railing and were dangling upside down on the staircase by your ankle.

Jesus Christ one of these days one of you boys is going to give me a fucking heart attack.  And in my obituary I want it listed that I would have lived longer had you children not made me fucking insane.

Love you!
Mommy

Dear Crazy:

Dear Crazy:

PLEASE stop talking about yourself! Do you think it is possible? You never let another person say a fucking word, you just keep yapping on and on and on and on and no one wants to hear it. We are all busy with our own shit and spending what little free time we all have listening to your nonsense is taking years off my life.

Thanks.

Get your head out of your ass, and get a life.

Love,
ME

Dear Assholes:

Dear Assholes:

Just FYI, even ultra rich bitches have their asses kicked by motherhood, and chances are, they spend less time with their kids than YOU do!

This scene from Sex and the City 2 (I tried to find video of it on YouTube, but no luck!):

I thought, "Why go to a bar when we have a bar?"
Thank you.
Thank you, Resir. You can go. How was your nap?
I slept hard.
You needed it. Being a mother kicks your ass.
Yes, but the benefits make it worth it.
- Okay. We're 6700 miles away from everyone. - Mm-hm.
- You can say it to me. I'm a mother too. - Say what?
All the things you're thinking, but you won't allow yourself to say out loud.
Okay. I'll go first.
As much as I love Brady and I do love him more than words...
being a mother is not enough. I miss my job.
You're not gonna leave me hanging out feeling alone like the worst mother in the world, are you?
- Okay. Well... I love my girls. - I know that.
But...I have enjoyed not having them around.
- I needed a break. - Yes, you did.
Rose cries all day, every day. It's driving me crazy.
I have been watching you for months. I don't know how you're doing it.
Sometimes I go in the other room and I close the door...
and I just let her scream. Isn't that awful?
No, that's survival. Take a sip.
And can I tell you something else? I feel guilty.
I feel so guilty, because all I ever prayed for was to have a family.
And now I have these two beautiful girls.
And?
- They're driving me crazy. - Take a sip.
And I feel like I'm failing. I just feel like I'm failing all the time.
You're not failing. Being a mother is hard.
Oh, my God. It is so hard. And I have full-time help.
How do the women without help do it?
- I have no fucking idea. To them. - To them.
And when I...Oh, no, I can't. I can't. It's awful.
Sip. Go.
When I heard Samantha say that Harry was gonna cheat on me with Erin...
Yeah.
my first thought was: "I can't lose the nanny".
[LAUGHING]
I am so glad Miranda and Charlotte toasted to all of us who do this job without help. This is more than I can say for you, my husband. Or any other man for that matter. I've lost my mind and become a fucking drunk, but at least Hollywood is on my side.

AGAIN, if you have a job, you are spending most of the day CHILDLESS. And therefore, you are one lucky person who gets a lot more time to yourself!!!! Even if you are spending it working. I don't know why this is so hard for you to understand.

And PS, if we had a nanny I so would choose her over you any day. Off to toast myself with a nice glass of Pinot.

Love,
Me

Dear MS:

Dear MS:

What did you eat a mushroom from the lawn or something? What the fuck?

You scared the shit out of me when you hallucinated in the middle of the night last night:

MS: Mom?

Me:  Yes?

MS: Where are you?

Me: Right here. (2 minutes pass)

MS: Mom?

Me: Yes?

MS:  Where are you?

Me: I'm right here! (2 minutes pass)

MS: Mom?

Me: Yeah?

MS: Where are you?

Me: I'm NEXT to you I'm NOT moving! What the fuck is matter with you??? (5 minutes pass)

MS: Mama?

Me: Yes?

MS:  I want to lay with you toever*.

Me: Ok go to sleep.

MS:  WHERE ARE YOU GOING STARLICK??

Me: Starlick isn't here, go to sleep.

MS: STARLICK WHERE ARE YOU GOING?????

Me:  Shhhhhhhh. Starlick is NOT here, go to sleep buddy.

MS:  I'm HOT.

Me:  Take off your shirt.

MS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (5 minutes pass)

MS:  I can't see anything.

Me: Because the lights are off. It's dark. It's time for sleep. You have to go to sleep so you feel better. (2 minutes pass)

MS: I can't see anything.

Me:  Go to sleep.

MS: NOOOOOOOOOO NO spiders! The spiders are coming down. THE SPIDERS ARE COMING DOWN!!!

Me: There are no spiders. CALM down! Just go to sleep so you can feel better.

MS: (growls)

H**: WHAT THE FUCK. I GOTTA GO IN EARLY TOMORROW.

Me:  Go get this kid some motrin. He's fucking hallucinating.

H: COME ON (Huffs and puffs and whines and bitches all the way to the bathroom; MS takes motrin)

MS: I need water.

Me: Go tell daddy he's in the bathroom.

MS: (goes into bathroom) aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh I need water.

H: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

MS: (comes back to bed).  I can't see anything.

H:  Go back to your room, the TV is on. You can watch TV.

Me: This kid is fucking hallucinating and burning up I think he should just stay here in case/

H: Oh come on you're insane.

Me: He's on fucking fire and screaming about spiders!

H: He's fine.

Me: Fuck off.

H: I gotta WAKE UP EARLY!

MS: I can't see anything!!!!

Me: Shhhhhhh go to sleep.

H: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (15 minutes pass)

MS: I'm going in my room (goes into his room to watch Pokemon).

All the while I was thinking of the wonderful gift given to me by a GREAT friend (you know who you are). I strongly suggest buying this for all those new mommies! In fact, BB's teacher is having a baby, and I bought her a copy PLUS a bottle of Mommy's Time Out.  I'm going to put my copy of this fabulous book in your storage bin, so you can read it to your kid when they are torturing you.


Love you!

Please feel better soon!

Love,
Mommy

P.S. I wish when I brought you to the doctor you would have had strep throat! Because at least they would have given you medicine and this would all be over. THIS is something else.  I really REALLY hope you DID NOT eat a mushroom from the front lawn and that this is just a virus or something.



*Translation:  FOREVER. This is how MS says "forever"

**Husband

Medication?

You Poor Woman:

Not sure if you are aware, but Marry Poppins is NOT a real person. I saw your ad, and wanted to reach out to you, and help you get the psychological assistance that you so clearly need:

LOOKING FOR MARY POPPINS

Full-time live-out nanny, ( babysitter ) following a teacher's schedule. Care for 1 yr and 4 yr old girls at our home, approx 7:30 am to 4:00 pm, Monday to Friday, including driving 4 yr old to and from local school. Also do light housekeeping, laundry, dishes, etc. Must be warm, kind, nurturing, mature, responsible, reliable, trustworthy, patient, serious, punctual. Non-smoker. Must have experience and excellent references. Must have a clean driving record and a safe and reliable vehicle. Hours are approximate, candidate must have some flexibility. Mother is a teacher, so job hours follow teacher's schedule, generally no work on school vacations, holidays, weekends, or summer(s), unless otherwise agreed in advance. Ideal candidate has experience being a mom, but this is not a requirement. Job start date: approx Aug 10, 2011


So basically you want a slave who will bust her ass for you with a smile on her face, and will sing show tunes while she works.  Maybe you are new at this mom thing, but just FYI a spoonful of sugar does not make the medicine go down.  And guess what, NO ONE anywhere except the fictional Mary Poppins possesses all of the qualities you require.  And your ideal candidate would have"experience being a mom"???? So what? They are supposed to leave THEIR own kids to take care of yours???

You MUST be living in a Disney movie.

Do yourself a favor and come back down to reality.

Love,
ME

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