Dear Dopey:

Dear Dopey:

If you want to keep the fact that you are knocked up a secret, then don't order a ginger ale while out to dinner with your friends.

For future reference, go for coke or wine next time. One glass won't kill you or the fetus, and will totally keep your secret.

Now you've been outed. Congrats!!!!!

Love ya,
ME

P.S. I wish you a speedy and pain free delivery*

xoxoxoxoxoxox
ME

*hahahahhaahhahahahaaaaaaahahahaa

Dear Oldest:

Dear Oldest:

It's funny how you would think that it is "weird"* that your friend's daddy doesn't live with them because then "the mommy has to do everything".  Have you not noticed who does everything here**?

Did you not notice how this morning your dad wondered how he was going to get ready for work while I took the feline fucktard back to the vet?  I told him to make it work and learn how to do two things at once and he said he can't because "he has a job".  What's sad is that you have two brothers, and I will have to teach them to multitask***.

Love,
Mom


*You say weird, I say lucky.

**In case you're unsure, it's ME.

***Sad because those with penises are incapable it seems.

Note to Self 5

Dear Retardo Me:

When your almost 4 year old son jumps onto your back from a kitchen chair while you are loading the dishwasher, falls off your back and lands on the dishwasher, breaking the top rack AND while you are trying to comfort & console him while simultaneously trying to fix the dishwasher AND the butter you are melting on the stove catches fire* causing the smoke alarms to go off, the baby to cry and a big old fucking mess to happen, IT'S TIME TO ORDER A FUCKING PIZZA

Love,
ME

*Seemingly killing your stainless steel pan - EXCEPT - the Bar Keeper's Friend brought it back to life! Buy it in my favorite things store!

Dear Darling:

Dear Darling:

This bed is not big enough for the both of us. Buy me a California King, or go sleep on the couch for the rest of your life.

Love,
The Wifey

PS - Something like this would be GREAT:

Dear Moron:

Dear Moron:

So glad you were never taught how to manage money whatsoever and that you think it is ok to just charge $50 worth of Domino's Pizza for you and your stupid poker party*.

Meanwhile, I can't afford toilet paper, but go right ahead.

You haven't noticed yet, but I removed all plastic from your wallet. You can't be trusted so you are punished. And then you wonder why I never want sex. I have to punish you like you are the fourth child, so I think of you as my son**.

If you have a problem, blame your mother. She never taught you how to live on a budget.

Sincerely,
Your Wife.

*While I'm sure all you jackasses with penises are out there thinking what a cunt I am, I have to say, FUCK OFF. Because this house was STOCKED with food the retards could have eaten had any of them known how to turn on a stove. Jackoffs.

**And clearly that would be gross and so not hot.

Dear Boozehound:

Dear Boozehound:

When your children refer to beer as "daddy juice", it's time to check into rehab.

By the way, I'm so glad you are getting that much needed rest with this middle of the day nap. You really deserve it.

Fondly,
Your Beautiful Wife

P.S. Downing an entire bottle of Patron is not something to be proud of.  Even when you split it with your friend. Especially when I am the one suffering because of your hangover.

To That Which Should Not Be Named:

To That Which Should Not Be Named*:

I hate you. I mean, I really REALLY HATE you.

Why is my bill over $200 a month and there is NEVER anything on for me to watch?

And WHY when I AM watching my favorite shows is the fucking picture completely distorted and all fucked up?

AND WHY DON'T YOU CARE WHEN I CALL AND COMPLAIN??????????

Your customer service** sucks my ass. All I want to do is smash all your equipment and punch all your employees in their faces***.

I really love when I order a movie for 24 hours and then conveniently the stupid thing fails to play again, which reminds me: My personal fave is the wars you keep having with networks. I used to think it was the networks, but it doesn't seem to me that any other company has these issues except you****.

If you weren't holding my e-mail address hostage, I would leave you, you stupid fuck.

Fuck you very much,
ME

PS - why don't you douches come up with a better place to put those cards instead of right in front of the box? It's like taunting little kids everywhere, all of whom love to pull the fucking thing out and hide it somewhere you will never find it. The fucking thing costs like $75!!!! Just another way for you to rape us I guess. Assholes.

*Fucking Cablevision

**Let's face it, it's not just your customer service that sucks my ass.

***Sorry friends who work there. I just HATE them.

****I know it seems hard to follow along, but this does make sense. Back when That Which Should Not Be Named was fighting with a network I won't mention (hint: Disney) they offered free movies to all customers because we were missing the fucking Academy Awards due to their little spat. Meanwhile guess what? The fucking on demand movies wouldn't work. How convenient.

Dear Oldest Jerk & Middle Child Jerk:

Dear Oldest Jerk and Middle Child Jerk*:

Thanks so much for getting sick during the week off of school and becoming a cranky raging lunatic**. I really love how the two of you are egging each other on and causing all kinds of problems for me.

My favorite thing was when you*** took your baby brother's diaper off and he pissed all over. Also, it's so nice to hear the melodic sounds of your voices telling each other repeatedly how much you hate each other. It works wonders for my migraine****.

It's a fine day when you fucks jump on my bed, throw pillows around, and break my bedroom lamp. It's already dark enough in here, but now I can truly feel like I am in a mausoleum since I can't even afford to buy toilet paper, let alone new light fixtures. Lucky for you my migraine makes me sensitive to light, so pitch black shouldn't be a problem.

Watching you, shirtless*** and stepping into a rolled up poster, screaming that your sister hit you "super hard" is so entertaining, I'm thinking of nuking some popcorn.

The icing on the cake is that since it took eons to finally get your baby brother to sleep and now you've woken him up with all your screaming, throwing things, and just being assholes in general, I won't get to sleep off the immense cranial pain. But it's all good. No worries.

Love you guys,
Mom

*OK, OK I realize it is MY fault that you are a middle child, but let's face it! You were a jerk before you became the middle child.

**Speaking about the oldest here, in case there is any confusion.

***And now talking about the middle jerk.

****Incidentally, next time I have a migraine, instead of getting up and taking care of all your asses while your jackass father sleeps, I am going to simply pull off his covers and puke on his face.

Dear Oldest Jerk:

Dear Oldest Jerk:

Instead of screaming your face off that you "NEED A PEN RIGHT NOW", how about you get off your ass, and go look for one?

I don't know where your fucking PEN is*. Santa brought you guys 10 "pens" in various colors, and who knows what the fuck you did with them**. All I know is, I have better things to do than listen to your fucking screaming.

Also, please be advised that I no longer answer to people who scream at me and don't say please. So you can roll around on the floor screaming all day. Hopefully you will eventually lose your voice and pass out. Until then, I will have my i-pod on full blast.

Thanks.

Your Loving Mother.

PS - candy necklaces do not go in your jewelry box, nor do potato chips belong crushed into my carpet. Thanks.

Love ya,
Mom

*And by the way, Bitch, it's actually a fucking STYLUS for your fucking DSi, not a PEN, but whatever.

**It seems to me you should shut the hell up, use your finger instead and wait for the fucking Easter Bunny to bring you some more.

You Feline Fuck:

You little son of a bitch cat:

TAKE YOUR FUCKING PILL YOU BITCH!!!! TAKE IT. TAKE The fucking pill!!!

It's gonna be on your conscience when I firebomb the fucking vet's office. WHY on earth would anyone prescribe PILLS for a fucking cat??? WHY!!???!?!

SURE THEY get to shoot you up with drugs but I have to force a fucking pill down your throat while you scratch the shit out of me* and foam at the mouth.

YOU ARE TOO SMART FOR YOU OWN FUCKING GOOD!!!! The special treats with the hole in them for the pill don't fool you, pulverizing it and hiding it in wet food doesn't fool you. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME???

Need I remind you that you will have a date with the reaper if you don't straighten out?

TAKE THE FUCKING PILL. Asshole.

Love,
Your adoring human mommy.


*Seriously I hope you don't have rabies. I am a bad mommy and you are not up to date on your shots. And if you have rabies, I have rabies because you have fucking scratched the shit out of me and slobbered all over my open wounds.

Dear Asshole:

Dear Asshole:

If you insist saying on"nag nag nag" in a stupid sing songy voice when I tell you to do something, please be advised that I will be slipping antifreeze in your gatorade.

Thanks.

Love,
Your Wife.

PS. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Dear You Greedy Fucks:

Dear You Greedy Fucks:

Maybe someone over there can explain to me WHY I pay SO MUCH MONEY for medical insurance, yet I am unable to fucking afford to go to the doctor? I am sitting here, with my knee in immense fucking pain, and yet I am AVOIDING GOING TO THE DOCTOR because of the stupid ass co-payments, co-insurance, deductibles and all the other bullshit.

And then I think. I'm gonna fucking drop dead because YOU make it impossible for us to take care of ourselves.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY ONE FUCKING PENNY after paying $800 a month for fucking medical insurance. It shouldn't cost me almost $6,000.00 (that I can't pay) to have a baby. I shouldn't be avoiding go to the doctor because I can't afford it.

It's fucking bullshit. Please fix it you losers.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Me

PS I just got in the mail a fucking letter informing me that my prescriptions for medications that we use on a long term basis will no longer be covered by my insurance unless I use some fucking mail order pharmacy. A SPECIFIC MAIL ORDER PHARMACY. So now they tell me where I have to buy my medicine. All of you who oppose socialized medicine I ask you, is it better that we have a dictatorship than a socialized form of healthcare? I don't want anyone telling me where I have to buy my fucking medicine. MOTHER FUCKERS.

Dear Feline Fucktard:

Dear Feline Fucktard:

Let me preface this note to you by letting you know how much I love you.

I really do. You should know by the way I take beatings from you on a regular basis, but I still let you live here and never kick you around. Also, I feed you every day and empty out your litter box, scratch behind your ears and let you in and out all day and night long to your heart's content.

BUT YOU had to go get into a fight with a fucking raccoon or whatever the fuck it was and get a goddamned infected oozing disgusting open sore on your face. It was all your fault!!!!

NOW I have spent over $1,000 that I DON'T HAVE making you well again BECAUSE I LOVE YOU*!!! But I am sorry! Even though I REALLY LOVE YOU, if you insist on taking that fucking cone off your head and scratching the shit out of your disgusting open wound, and rip the drain out, I am not paying another $1,000 to have it put back in! YOU are getting put to sleep. Sorry. That only costs like $50.

SO STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT!!!!! Or your going to be flying around that cat jungle gym in the sky.

Love you,
Your Human Mommy.

*see above

Dear Douche:

Dear Douche:

Dear Douche in the RED Tacoma:

Thank you for cutting me off at the school this morning while I was dropping off my daughter. You are a dick cause it made me have a flashback to an incident that happened a few years ago circa 2009, and now I am doubly pissed off:

I get the kids in the car on the way to school (we all know how fun that is). I pull into the parking lot. Some douche in a white tacoma is next to me parked in a retarded & crooked manner in his gigantic extension of his penis that is his truck (sorry if this guy is one of your husbands, ladies, but he's a douche). I had to call my friend and tell her not to pick my daughter up from school today because my sis was going to pick her up and I find it is best to do things as soon as you think of them just to get them out of the way. While I am on the phone I open the door to get my daughter out of the car. Since Tacoma Douche was parked like a fucking asshole, I LOOKED to see if my door would hit his car because I AM NOT AN ASSHOLE and I always do that. Who doesn't? IT WASN'T TOUCHING. Although it was very close, and I guess it is possible it could have tapped it BUT EVEN IF IT DID THERE WASN'T A MARK OR ANYTHING. AND anyway, I would SWEAR that it wasn't touching.

Well here comes Mr. Asshat Tacoma and he says AND I QUOTE "Not for nothing HONEY get off the phone and watch my car". Well you can imagine my rage.... Obviously I flew off the handle.

I screamed "Get the fuck out of here are you fucking kidding me". Granted I was holding my 5 year old's hand AND we were in the parking lot of a pre-school filled with little kids, but I couldn't help it. And anyway those of you who know me know that this is how I talk and my kids are used to it. AND ha ha, they don't ever curse and usually YELL AT ME for doing it. But I digress. He OF COURSE then said "nice language" and I felt the need to tell him "YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE". And then every single word he said to me, I told him he was an asshole so he shut up right away and left me alone.

HONESTLY, I have enough trouble with the two men in my FAMILY let alone some Twat in a Big White Tacoma that is compensating for his 2 inch DICK. Do I need to freakin deal with this shit? NO! Just let me drop my kid off & make my childcare arrangements in peace and go wax your fucking truck that you probably love more than your wife and kids. LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.
Anyway, you have also led me to believe that most people who drive Tacoma's are retarded douches. I am going to take a poll, and get back to you on it.

Fuck you,
ME

P.S. Maybe retarded douches also drive Subarus because right after dickwad in the RED Tacoma cut me off, a stupid twat in a Subaru did the same thing. I don't know if she was following your lead or if she was just an asshat as well. We'll let the poll decide. Please see the poll AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BLOG & VOTE to assist me in my research. THANKS

Note to Self #4

Dear Retardo-Me:

Just because you have a "feeling" doesn't mean you will win the lotto. Forget buying a ticket and save what little money you have for something worthwhile. Like alcohol.

Thanks,
ME

PS
For your second husband please choose a rich guy, you dumbass.

Note to Self #3

Dear Retardo-Me:

If you are this hysterical at your cat being in the emergency room/animal hospital/whatever, what happens when it is one of your kids?

You are a dumbass.

Sincerely,
Me

Note to Self #2

Dear Retardo-Me:

After opening cabinets to put things away or take things out, please remember to SHUT THEM. This is why you end up with various head injuries. 

Sincerely,
Me.

Note to Self:

To My Alter-Ego, Retardo-Me:

Yes YOU CAN be a jackass too.

For instance, attempting to vault over the ottoman that is masquerading as a baby gate at the top of the stairs was a STUPID idea.

Let your aching calf and twisted knee be a reminder to you.

Love,
Me

Dear Shit Head:

Dear Shit Head:

Please do not drag your baby brother down the hallway by his feet. You are scaring our company!! Really, they are getting very nervous! At least try not to do it while other people are around. And by the way ixnay ethay eamingscray inway ishay acefay easeplay*. I know it seems like he thinks it is funny because he laughs his ass off, but he is a baby and doesn't know any better. Plus I think you may have deafened him and he is just laughing at how silly your face looks while yelling at the top of your lungs.

Also, while we are at it, please do not stick more than one Wii game into the Wii at one time. Actually, PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THE FUCKING WII AT ALL. Because then I will have to punish you and it'll be pretty fucking annoying for me if I can't throw you in front of the TV for video games or whatever.

And another thing, can we try to maybe wear something other than pajama bottoms and a Star Wars or Super Mario Brothers T-shirt. You look like an escapee from a mental institution. Most importantly, let's try to STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND PEE IN THE TOILET. I realize you are busy and don't want to stop what you are doing, but Yoda wouldn't like it if you peed on his face and mommy can only do so many loads of laundry a day while making sure your new Star Wars undies are always clean.

Last but not least, please stop shooting the TV with your nerf dart tag gun. If daddy catches you I am sure he will force me to put you up for adoption if he doesn't kill you first. And even though you drive me crazy on a daily basis, I still really love you.

Love and Kisses,
Your Adoring Mother

*that means "nix the screaming in his face please" in Pig Latin. I'm getting tired of hearing myself say it over and over again so I thought I'd change it up a bit.

Dear Douche Nozzle

I am not sure if you are aware, but we drive on the right side of the road in America. Maybe you have confused us with another English speaking nation such as Australia or the United Kingdom, but please make no mistake about it, this is the U.S. A. You should be able to tell because there are no kangaroos here, and also no one really drinks tea.

Perhaps the confusion arose because you were in an area where English isn't being spoken. In that case, you really are dumb, because in the Spanish speaking world, they also drive on the right.  In fact, if you ever are unsure, you should really just play the odds and go for driving on the right since most of the world does in fact drive on the right.  To avoid any confusion, I have included a map for future reference. 

Thank you, and good luck.

Sincerely,
ME

Dear Morons:

Dear Morons:

St. Valentine was a priest who was beaten with clubs and had his head chopped off on February 14, 270.
I fail to see the romance.

He is the Patron Saint of Epilepsy, Fainting and the Plague.  Also, he is the Patron Saint of bee keepers. 

 AND the Patron Saint of Greeting Card Manufacturers. Hmmmmmm. I wonder how that one came about.* There is no love or hearts happening in this pic of St. Val.  Although there are some fat baby Cupid looking angels up there.

And what's with that dumb fat baby Cupid? He looks sweet and innocent, but he was a real fucking creep!


He was a jerk!! He didn't want people to fall in love and live happily ever after. He shot them in the ass with those arrows for the entertainment of the Gods. They were all up there laughing at us humans. Why he's a symbol of Valentine's Day and love, I will never know. I do know that everyone pretty much acts like a bunch of fucking psychos around Valentine's Day so I guess Stupid Cupid is still doing his job.

Who do we REALLY have to thank for Valentine's Day???**

It's Geoffrey Chaucer's fucking fault you have to put out on Valentine's Day. Thanks a lot douche!!!! That's right, the same jackass who tortured you with the Canterbury Tales in 11th grade will continue to torture you every February for the rest of your life. He wrote some dumb poem about stupid humping birds*** and that's pretty much why the Patron Saint of bee keepers gets all the credit - because birds got it on on February 14th, the day he was beheaded. Nice.

Anyway, do me a fucking favor and stop with all this crazy love shit. It's making me insane.

Happy Valentine's Day!
Love,
Me.

*St. Valentine is certainly taking care of the people at Hallmark.  Americans are projected to exchange over 180 million Valentine's Day Cards NOT including the stupid ass ones you exchange in elementary school. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11326907/ns/business-small_business/

**Certainly not St. Valentine, the Patron Saint of the Plague!!!!

***I fucking hate birds. They are my LEAST favorite animal. Seriously. Anyway, if you want to read some fucking Chaucer, and I use the word "read" although God help you if you can get through it or understand it since it is practically in a different language, you can find it here: http://www.suite101.com/content/chaucer---the-first-valentines-day-poem-a328492

Dear Littlest Jerk:

Dear Littlest Jerk:

I am just writing to thank you for the latest humiliation in my life, this time caused by you.

It was absolutely fabulous when you crapped all over yourself and I didn't bring a change of clothes since we were only going to be out of the house for 1 hour. Silly me. You are the third child, so I didn't feel the need to run out with 6 changes of clothes, 45 diapers, a pack of wipes, enough food for 16 meals, etc.  I have enough to carry, so I packed light.

The best part was, while I was changing you (on a locker room type bench in front of everyone - thinking I'm a pro and can do this in my sleep*), you peed all over your own face in front of everyone in the waiting room at swimming lessons, truly ensuring that the outfit could not be salvaged**. 

Or maybe the best part was that I had to TAKE OFF MY OWN SHIRT (purple for the West Islip High School Class of 2014***) to dress you in since, I must remind you, I DIDN'T BRING A CHANGE OF CLOTHES FOR YOU!

How nice that I had to rush to soccer practice wearing nothing but a bra under my coat. I'm sure the fathers really appreciated that and thank you from the bottom of their hearts.

Love you!
Your Doting Mother



* I AM a pro. But even pros have bad days here and there.

**Because trust me, if I could have managed to scrub the shit out of your clothes you would have still been wearing it. But no, you had to go and saturate it with your one of your super pees.

*** http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/event.php?eid=182647568436379
(the Class of 2014 of WIHS has created P.S. I Love You Day 2011 to stop the bullying, end depression, and prevent suicide from occuring again in this town)

Dear Jerks:

Dear Jerks:

If you must insist on emptying your piggy banks and flinging your money all over the place so that your 7 month old baby brother can choke himself to death on your riches, I am going to have to insist that that money is now MINE.  Dig the wax out of your ears & LISTEN, stop being so fucking lazy, AND CLEAN IT UP. Otherwise I will consider it part of my salary.

For that matter, if you insist on being freaking slobs all day every day, I will be removing an allowance for myself OUT OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS.  Lucky for you I won't backdate it, otherwise you would owe me $6,349, 298.65.  Be prepared to be destitute like the rest of America or roll up your sleeves, get on your knees AND CLEAN YOU MAGGOTS.

Lovingly,
Your Adoring Mother.

Dear Pretard:

Dear Pretard*:

Please do not make my life more difficult by trying to steal horrid green eyeshadow, cheetos, and a bag of Reese's Pieces out of Rite Aid. 

I will not apologize for screaming at the checkout girl to call the police on you. I don't care if you are only three.

Sincerely,
Your loving mother.

*Must give credit where credit is due:  http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1025225801 Pretard is his word. This guy is fucking hilarious.

Dear Jackass

Dear Jackass:

Please don't worry your pretty little head about ANYTHING except beautifying yourself. Even though I also have to go to work today, I really don't need to bother with anything as complicated as a shower. I really don't need to eat anything until a couple of bites at dinner time. I can't express my thanks to you enough - it REALLY helps keep the weight off.

I will go to my job today looking like shit because you are incapable of caring for anyone except yourself. It's no problem. Clearly it is my job as your wife to not only work outside of the home, but to do the job of, among other things, a babysitter, maid, accountant, chef, chauffeur, doctor, secretary, dry cleaner, personal shopper, whore, personal assistant and entertainer. 

I REALLY don't want you to use any of your FREE TIME in the morning dressing or feeding any of our three children. However, threatening and bullying the three year old to take his medicine did get one job done, although now I have a hysterically crying three year old hanging off of my leg while I attempt to get the others dressed, fed, lunches made, off to school, etc.

When you FINALLY get home tonight (ooh I can't wait to see you. CAN'T WAIT), there's some beer in the fridge. PLEASE grab one, sit on the couch and turn on ESPN and scratch your balls. You REALLY deserve it.  I won't be back til late because I have to schlep three kids with me to the various practices/ rehearsals/lessons/etc. they are signed up for. Oh no, please don't offer to help, it's really ok, it's my "thing" I did it to myself, I signed them up for it.  You just put your feet up and relax and I'll see you later.

Yours truly,

Your loving wife.