Not to Insult You, but....

OK, I'm not saying that BB's little 7 year old friend does the dishes bette than you do, but I do have to say that when she does do them, there is no film of grease on them AND they are actually clean.

Love ya!
ME

Yeah

Darling,

I just wanted to let you know that, generally, when someone is barfing their brains out, they usually aren't interested in having sex. It has nothing to do with you, it's just that vomit really doesn't put you in the mood.

Love,
ME

Clever, Clever, CLEVER

Dear BB:

Ok so you know once you go into your room for the night you can't come out because your daddy can't handle it and gets crazy. Usually it ends up with a smack on the ass.

But clever YOU manipulate MS to come out repeatedly to get you a snack.

You usually end up with the smack, and your brother ends up with the slap.

I don't know whether to be impressed by you or disgusted with you.

Love,
Mom

Dear BB:

Dear BB:

Isn't it embarrassing when your friend comes over for a sleep over and you loaf around on your ass, but SHE vaccuums up the baby powder MS dumped all over Baby Spawn's ride on truck?

Don't you feel like YOU SHOULD TAKE A CUE FROM HER when she CLEANS THE FUCKING DISHES AFTER DINNER?

OR HOW ABOUT when she CHANGED YOUR BABY BROTHER'S DIAPER?

Peer pressure works both ways you know!!!! Instead of fucking jumping on the Twinkle Toes, Silly Bandz, iCarly or Justin Bieber bandwagon, maybe you can jump onto the fucking Useful Child bandwagon???? 

Jeez.

You oughtta be ashamed of yourself.

Love,
Mom

Guess What Jerks??

Guess what jerks? When you are fucking punished and I put you in your room, it means GO IN THERE AND STAY THERE!!!

Don't come out laughing and hide in the dining room.

Don't come out and shake your ass at me with a smile on your face.

Don't come out and kick the door with your feet.

Don't open the door and throw toys down the hallway.

AND IF YOU DO DO ALL OF THE ABOVE THINGS, DON'T ACT SURPRISED WHEN I BEAT YOUR ASS.

Ok?

Thanks!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Love,
Mommy

Dear Children

Dear Children:

The following are not to be consumed for breakfast unless you are living in a frat house or something:

Doritos
Cheese Doodles
Ice cream sundaes
left-over pizza
soda
stuff you fish out of the garbage
old crusty food you find laying on the floor around the house
gum

The following are NEVER to be consumed at all:
crayons
Squinkies
baby powder
toothpaste
floor cleaner
toilet paper
hair clips
socks
magazines
paper
soap
paper clips
pencils
dirty diapers

Thanks!!!! Just looking out for you guys.

Love you all!

Love,
Mommy

Seriously?

Dear Moron:

Honestly it isn't that I don't love you, I seriously CANNOT have you hanging all over me at night.

I don't want to cuddle, I don't want a hug, I don't want you spooning me, I WANT TO BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE.

Cause guess what? I've been fucking beating kids, cooking, cleaning, and having little brats hanging all over me ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY.  And the last thing I fucking want is to have you on top of me, along with the cat clawing my stomach to try to get comfortable. 

Seriously, if it doesn't stop I'm getting my own room.

But I do love you.

Love,
Me

Boy Geniuses

If Middle Spawn isn't a doctor I will eat my hat.  He loves getting throat cultures, vaccines, blood drawn, peeing in a cup, getting weighed, the eye test, the ear test, etc. He HAS to come to the doctor's office even if the appointment is not for him. He is the ONLY kid who tries to bust into the exam room before the nurse calls his name. (UNLIKE his big sister, who one time had me chase her down the street, and drag her into an exam room by her feet with the entire office laughing at me).

Baby Spawn is the next Bill Gates. He is on my computer CONSTANTLY. He breaks into my room and gets on it every 5 minutes. There is no stopping him. He changes my settings, sends out e-mails, and moves things into the recycle bin. 

BB, on the other hand, is so lazy, it's ridculous. I'd say she would be a gold digger and marry a rich man, except I actually think that would take too much energy and effort for her.  Hopefully her rich and successful brothers will take care of her.

Mother of the Year

Apparently you are the worst mother in the world!!! Upon punishing BB, and locking her in her room, she rewarded you with the following words in green crayon on the top of a shoebox:

My mom hates me

NO WAY

Dear Crazy Lady:

Listen, I get you want to be fashionista, but REALLY no one over 22 should wear this style of swimsuit.

Even if you weren't a flabby old mess, this style of bathingsuit is not for the senior citizen set. Get it?

You are someone's grandmother for the love of God! You should't be able to trade clothes with your grandchildren. THAT'S JUST WRONG.

Listen, sweetie, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to help you! This is wrong on SO MANY LEVELS. The tan lines alone should be enough to send you running for a wetsuit.

The point is, I weigh half as much as you, am half your age, and I wouldn't be caught dead in this fucking getup.  Someone should punch whoever is with you in the face for letting you go out like that.

Invest in a "burkini"* ASAP!

Love,
ME

*Remember the Burkini from Sex and the City 2? Turns out Nigella Lawson wore one to the beach. Maybe it's a trend that is catching on:

P.S. Even though you are no Nigella, the fact that someone as hot as Nigella is wearing this proves that even you can be trendy. That's right! You can be old, flabby AND trendy. Good luck!

WARNING WARNING WARNING

NEVER go to the Kid Kutz/Hair Sense in the Westfield Shopping Center in Bay Shore NY.

I decided I was going to take BB and her friend to go get feather extensions PLUS BB needed a hair cut. As BB's hair is like mine (Wild, out of control, curly, crazy, etc.) I don't much care where we go because it is pretty hard to fuck up a trim with hair like that.

I call Kid Kutz and what I thought was a pushy, obnoxious Asian woman answers the phone. (It turns out it was a pushy, obnoxious Asian man).

Pushy Asian Man (PAM):  HELLO

Me: Yes. Hi I would like to make an appointment to get a trim for my daughter and feather extensions for her and her friend.

PAM: I the best around. How you hear from us? Who refer you? I the best around I do good job for you.

Me: No one referred me I just want to make an appointment. You are in the mall right?

PAM: I the best around. I do good job for you.

Me: Ok can I come in around 3PM?

PAM: Yes 3PM when you want to come in? I do best job for you.

Me:  Fine.

So, off to the mall we go. I should have run out right away, but let's face it, I had four kids with me, and need to get shit done.

BB gets in the chair and the guy brushes her hair. Hard. Without wetting it at all. No shampoo, no conditioner, no spray bottle, NO NOTHING. Now, BB's hair is a frizzy disgusting mess. He then turns to me and says:

PAM: She need hot oil conditioning treatment. Her hair all broken. No healthy. No good. I do hot oil treatment.

ME: NO, she is not getting a hot oil treatment. She is 7. I take care of her hair at home. It is summer, she is in the pool all day long. I just want a trim.

PAM: I do blow out she need condition.

ME: NO.

PAM: What about other girl? Her hair no healthy either. Very bad. She need ...

ME: NO. That one isn't my kid and I'm not touching her hair! I have authorization to get her a feather extension ONLY.

The stupid ass continues to cut her hair DRY.  It looks quite terrifying.

PAM: You hair too short for you face. You need longer. I give you nice shape. You need nice shape you face too small you hair to wide. I give you nice shape.

ME: I'm in the mall with 4 kids. You think I have time for this?

In my head I am thinking: you fucking douche bag, you are destroying my baby's hair!!! In any event, the feather extensions came out ok, however the haircut is something else!

First of all BB has one lock of hair that is WAY longer than the others. AND IT IS SUPER SUPER SHORT. I couldn't tell how short it was because he had brushed it and frizzed it all to hell.

Fucking assholes!

STAY AWAY FROM THIS PLACE!

On the plus side, I did make a new friend. She was one of the many people who stopped me in disbelief wondering if all 4 children were mine.

Guest Blogger Post 2

Dear Dumbass Pocketbook Thief:

Dear Dumbass who stole MB's pocketbook last night at BR's reunion party and who is sitting in jail right now! Next time you steal someone's shit, it might be in your best interest to actually LEAVE the bar with it instead of still hanging out there because your ass got so busted on surveillance! It was also really dumb of you to try to stuff something that big in the back of the toilet, so thank you very much for ruining EVERTYTHING with water! The best part of the night though was when we actually got to go through your pocketbook (after you were arrested) and get all of M's stuff back! The best thing we found was actually yours, your cell phone in mid text message, To MOM, "I think I'm getting arr....." Yes, we know you didn't get to finish the message to mom because you did in fact get arrested on a felony charge! Good luck with that!
Love,
NK, JH & of course, MB

You Stupid Twat:

Dear Stupid Twat:

Are you fucking crazy?

THIS is what you post in a forum bashing American women. NEED I REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE AN AMERICAN WOMAN???? You must be SO PROUD to call these douchebags friends.

Jenny speaks about her fellow American women

Jenny, a sweet American girl:

hmmm, my husband dated 19-20 american girls and said they were all boring, self-centered, lazy (they excpected their future husband to come home after work and do dishes, clean, cook, when they would stay home all day as a housewife). Kinda meessed up; but i'm sure there's some good american women out there (Editor's note: If they are "out there", then where are they? I have not met them!)

Let me tell you something sweetie, you are going down. Because your dumbass husband is going to leave you, and you clearly have no brain or any type of skills that would fucking help you in the world. Good for you - you know how to clean a toilet and give a blow job. Let's see what kind of job you can turn those skills into when your dipshit husband leaves you for the next dumb slut. You are so stupid, I feel I must warn you.  When your douchebag husband leaves you, you will be on welfare with your 10 kids and no money. 

YOU think YOU are one of the so called "good American women"??? You are dumber than dirt. Is this what these dumbass guys on that stupid website want in a woman?  A stupid submissive moron who blows smoke up their ass all day long??? A quiet little tramp whose job it is to dress up like a Barbie doll for their man and cater to his every desire? If you were out in the workforce, you are telling me that you would come home and do all the dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. while your dickbag husband laid on the sofa and drank a beer? COME ON!!! There is no way YOU are an American woman. You had to be either a stupid mail order bride, some dumb slut who used this guy for his green card to become a citizen, A TRANNY, or some stupid loser who is just so greatful that anyone would marry them that they worship the ground the stupid ass husband walks on.

So sorry I have a career. So sorry I've prepared myself to contribute to my family's finances AND also made myself capable of earning a living in case my husband should (God forbid) die or leave me.  What an idiot I am.

You've got to be kidding me. It's women like you that give women everywhere a bad name.

You go ahead and converse with your husband about how everyone except you is a crappy American woman.  Then, when some teenage whore comes around and your husband follows his dick into her vagina and leaves you alone with his children, you let me know if you want to take him for some money to care for HIS stupid children.

Fuck you. You will get whatever you deserve. Moron.

Stupid twat.

Love,
ME

P.S.
YOU are worse than any man on that stupid bullshit boycott American women site.  How good will your cooking and cleaning skills be when you are ALONE and your husband is fucking his secretary? Have fun, dumbass.

P.P.S.
Tell your dickbag friends to be sure they put the link to this post on their Boycott American Women website. I do SO love the publicity! Thanks

Love,
ME

Dear Dickbag:

Dear Dickbag:

Please don't wave your hands at me and yell as if I am the one doing something wrong.

I am going straight and you are turning left. This means I have the right of way, NOT YOU. 

Also, YOU ARE DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FUCKING ROAD.

So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Because I want nothing more than to get out of my car and punch your face out.

You dumb douche.

Love,
ME

P.S.  I have a map that will help you. I've posted it before, but maybe you missed it? In any event, here it is. Study it. And next time, drive on the right side of the road. Unless you are in England or something.

Dear Psycho:

Dear Psycho:

This is hilarious. Thanks for the laughs!

Haha, got a couple of more replies from hateful feminists. The first one is funny, in the sense of how angry this woman has become due to the Boycott American Women blog:http://letterstothejackassesoutthere.blogspot.com/2011/07/dear-dipshit.html

And the second one is a racist woman who said that "asian women belong in porn, and we American women are the best women in the world". I wrote her back telling her what a racist bitch she was, and here is the response she wrote:http://www.justinappropriate.com/2011/07/im-westernicated-but-in-super-fun-way.html

What's most hilarious is that YOU came on MY blog to comment with your nonsense, and then YOU, posted THIS, so your delusional followers (who probably are even bigger losers than you, if that's even possible) would think that I care enough to come look at what you wrote.

I happened upon this accidentally (on my stats page, it seems all of my traffic is coming from your site!!!!!!), but I am so glad I did. Thanks for the free publicity!

Love,
ME

P.S. I'm not a hateful feminist, I just hate you. Anyone with a vagina does, which is why you THINK you are boycotting American women. But really, American women are boycotting YOU.

Dear Idiot

Dear Idiot:

17 missed calls constitutes an emergency. Imagine my panic when in half an hour, there were 17 missed calls from you.

Imagine my ANGER when, upon calling back, I find that the "EMERGENCY" was that you wanted Taco Bell.

FURTHER, imagine my RAGE when I found out that you had to charge a pizza from Domino's because "there was no food in the house". I guess I must have dreamed that entire roast beef that was in the fridge.

Our bills are out of control. We can't afford ANYTHING. We really need to save the credit card for emergencies. AGAIN, an emergency is not that you have the munchies at 12 midnight.

Just so we are clear, an emergency is:  A serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action*.

You're a fucking moron, and you are dragging me down with you. Check your spending before I fuck you up.

Thanks!

Love,
Me

*Thank you Wikipedia

What Kind of Morons Do You Take Us For:

To Whom It May Concern:

Do you seriously expect us to believe that Sarah Jessica Parker got her hair out of your stupid box? NO FUCKING WAY! What kind of retard do you take me for?



There is no way that hair color came from the stupid box. Furthermore, there is no way Eva Mendes' hair is as fabulous as it is because of Pantene. Give me a fucking break.



I call bullshit on this:



YOU ARE ALL A FUCKING BUNCH OF LIARS.

I believe that when Taylor Swift wakes up in the morning, she looks every bit as shitty as I do.

I believe that Sarah Jessica Parker's hair is dull and mousy.

I believe that Eva Mendes used Pantene when she was 12, but now she buys the good stuff since SHE IS RICH.

These assholes will say anything for the amount of money they are getting paid to endorse THIS SHIT.

YOU ARE ALL FULL OF SHIT.

Love,
ME

American Woman Hater

Dear American Woman Hater:

Since you have so much spare time because no one wants to date you, you've chosen to stalk my fellow American Female Bloggers:

You are the very reason why I do not even consider dating American women. Your blog paints a picture of a classless, trashy, racist, subhuman feminist monster. You are going to cheat on your husband, never learn how to cook or clean, never want children, gain weight, and take half of any man's money. All American men should quit wanting women like you and get a real woman, like an Asian woman. You don't hold blankety blank blank blank to an Asian. Your second toe is longer than your first and your breath smells like tacos. (also insert the word "western" in a lot of places. He liked this word as though it was synonymous with disease-ridden and gingivitis)*

Nice message you left my friend. I really wish you would take my advice and seek therapy instead of sitting at your computer all day, with one hand down your pants jerking off. You know pyschiatrists are doctors. They can get you a boatload of viagra along with the  antipsychotic drugs they will surely prescribe you.

I'm sure I will be hearing from you soon, since you read my blog every day and won't be able to resist making a comment. 

Get a life!

Love,
ME 

P.S. I know I sent you the link for the Russian mail order brides last time you made a comment on my blog, but clearly you prefer Asians, so I went ahead and found some Asian mail order brides for you.  They probably have really low standards, so you should be able to find someone you can purchase.  I'm sure some of them are so desperate to become American citizens that they would even stoop as low as to let YOU buy them. http://www.asianbeauties.com/?gclid=CPaBrbnNpKoCFeVx5Qodd2uOYw YOU ARE WELCOME!

Love,
ME
*Check out how SHE ripped him one here: http://www.justinappropriate.com/2011/07/im-westernicated-but-in-super-fun-way.html

WTF?

Jackass:

Excuse me, but WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? My blog is not the place for you to solocit money from my friends.  Imagine me coming across the following comment :

Majid Ali has left a new comment on your post "Dear Toys R Us:":

Please for Christ sake please help me
I need your help and support to help PAY MY Tuition Fees. I need your only 3 to 5

minutes approximately

What you have to do is
1.go to Google.com and search "**************"
2.then visit my blog from the the search results.
3.Remain on the page i.e ***** for one minute or so and do some random surfing
4. click ONE of the ads that appeals to you from AdChoices and visit there.
5.remain on that page for one minute or so and do some random surfing.
and that's it.

NOTE: Only ONE click is needed.
I will be grateful to you.
May God Bless You.

OK, I get it, MY fucking bills are out of control, I can't pay for shit. There's not even FOOD in MY budget. I have three kids and no fucking money and can't afford to pay my student loan which will be going into default sooner rather than later. HOWEVER, I am not  your fucking bitch. I am not advertising for you to get your ads clicked on to make money. I have news for you! YOU AREN'T GONNA MAKE ANY MONEY THIS WAY ANYWAY, YOU STUPID ASS.  If people were REALLY making money this way, EVERYONE WOULD BE DOING IT!!!! I mean why bother going to work when you can spend all fucking day at the beach, scratching your ass and drinking in the sun while everyone is clicking on stupid ads on your website and zillions of dollars are falling into your pocket?????? Duh. It's a fucking dream. IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

How about some advice? GET A FUCKING JOB. I had one when I was in college, you lazy douche. I'd have one right now if it weren't for the 3 rugrats I have to chase around all day. I mean, it's that simple:  you work, you get some money, you pay for your school. I don't think you realize how easy you have it right now.  I can't just run out and get a job because I have to have someone to take care of my babies. You have to.....what? NOTHING?!??!??!!!! You'll have enough money for gas, tuition and recreational booze/pot.

Fucking loser.

Love,
ME

P.S. I reported you for spam.  You fucking retard.

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn 6

Chronicles of the Middle Spawn 6:

MS seems to think babies like it when he slams his head into their stomachs. It's fascinating to watch.  It seems he thinks he is playing with them, and not trying to make them vomit.

Diary of a BB 4:

Dear Diary:

Ha HA HA! I really have them fooled! It's so nice playing dumb!!

Mommy THINKS I can't read or do math! BUT BOY DO I HAVE HER FOOLED!!!!

I have to be careful though, because I slipped up, and now she may be on to me! I was reading her e-mail she was typing and accidentally asked her why she called me a brat. Then I had to play dumb really quick again and act like I didn't know how I knew what she wrote. It could have happened to anyone really! I mean anyone would be pissed off if their mommy called them a brat, ESPECIALLY if they are a perfect Angel, like I am.

Anyway, Mommy keeps telling me that second grade is going to be super hard, but I'm not worried. As long as I keep playing dumb, she'll be there watching me do my homework and making sure I don't make a mistake. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Moronic First Time Mother:

Dear Moronic First Time Mother:

It is best not to ask for help from someone wrangling three children when all you have is a 1 year old baby.  The reasons for this are as follows:

1.  Immediately, the wrangler of the three children feels resentful of you because you only have one child.
2.  In addition to feeling resentful of you, the wrangler of the three children wants to bash your face in, because you are unable to take care of yourself AND your ONE baby YET you think that MOM OF 3 can take care of her 3, herself AND YOU AND YOURS!
3.  MOM OF 3 also feels incredulous and wonders if she was ever as dumb as you look right now.

I suggest you bring along your mother or a nanny or something to help you get through the day, because quite frankly, I don't have time for this.

Love,
ME

Dear High Maintenance Friend:

Dear High Maintenance Friend:

You are an old bitch, which is why I find it difficult to believe that I have to hold your hand to go to the bathroom. It seems it gets worse with age. 10 years from now, will you be asking me to wipe your ass for you too?

You don't need ME to help you pick out your clothes in the morning or to tell you what to eat for breakfast. You don't need ME to decide when your kids have to go to the doctor, or if you should take them for a walk or go to the zoo. You don't need ME to decide when they should start school or how many pairs of shoes they need to have.

You don't need ME to hold your hand every step of the way through YOUR life. Guess what? NO ONE IS HOLDING MY HAND.

I already have babies to take care of, PLIS a husband, and a mother who is turning into a hermit in her retirement. I don't have the time to take care of YOU too. GROW UP! Or find someone else to take care of you because I AM BUSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
ME

A Day In the Life:

Let Me Paint You A Picture:

As I type, the baby is crawling under my legs trying to unplug my computer. Alternately he is crying, and standing up and banging on the keyboard.

In the meantime:

BB: MS is being mean to me.

BB:  MS HIT ME.

BB:  I WANT THE CAT. I WANT A CAT THAT'S NOT AFRAID OF ME.

BB hits MS repeatedly.

Sounds of sobbing, screaming, hiccuping, and loud breathing.

BB:  DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? IT ISN'T FUNNY WHEN SOMEONE IS CRYING!

BB hits MS repeatedly on his ass.

BB:  MAAAAAAMAAAA. Mama! MOMMA!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

The sounds of whining.

BB:  I WANT THE CAT. I WANT THE CAT. I WANT THE CAT! STOOOOOOP!! STOP! He's hitting me.

BB: I want the cat.

A stuffed cat goes flying and hits me in the head. MS opens a Spiderman umbrella and starts running through the house with it. BB continues sniveling, sniffing, sobbing and whining.

BB: SHUSH

MS: Ready? READY? Ready? Ready?

BB: SHUSH!

BB: I WANT THE CAT.

BB hits MS repeatedly on the ass, comes over, hugs me and says:

BB:  Could we please get the cat? (TO MS: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET).

BB:  MS threw a shoe at me. I WANT A CAT. I REALLY WANT A CAT. MOMMY YOU PROMISED I WOULD GET A CAT.

Baby Spawn cries, throws his head back and falls off the pile of boxes he was climbing on.

MS: Be my teacher BB!

BB: I'm not playing with you. I'm not being your teacher.

BB: NO ONE EVEN LIKES ME!

MS:  DON'T BE RUDE (throws paper airplane at BB).

BB and MS wrestle all over my bed, punching, kicking, hitting each other and screaming. The bed, newly made, rapidly becomes a disgusting mess, like the rest of my house. Baby Spawn bites me, pulls my hair and head butts me. MS starts throwing my shoes at BB one by one.

BB:  MOMMY MS THREW THIS AT ME. IT HURTS. IT HURTS. IT HURTS. OUCHEEE. OUCHEE. OUCHEEEEEE. OUCHEE.

BB:  I WANT THE CAT. Mommy you are gonna drop Baby Spawn. He's falling please help him! Let him on the bed! MOMMA. MS is throwing stuff!! SOB SOB SOB SNIFFLE. WAAAAAAHHHHH.

BB:  I want the cat.

Baby Spawn starts throwing plastic bags and candles around the room. He starts climbing on the headboard. BB grabs him, he falls on top of her, and they both start screaming.

Dear Middle Spawn:

Dear Middle Spawn:

Thanks for dumping that baby powder all over the living room rug. Even after vaccuuming it up, it still smells so nice.

Love,
Mommy

Note to Self 30:

Note to Self 30:

Hang in there, it's almost over:

Diary of a BB 3:

Dear Diary:

I have come to the conclusion that my mommy hates me!

SHE HATES ME.

Why else would she be SO MEAN??? It's really the only explanation.

I mean, why can't I have another pet? I just want a pet that likes me.  These stupid cats always run away from me!!! WHY??? I am so nice to them. I just want to pet them and put bows on their ears and put them in my dolls' clothes! Why don't they want to look nice? You would think they would appreciate me!

She keeps making me read stuff too! SCHOOL IS OVER MOMMA! Don't you get it is MY SUMMER VACATION???

It's NO FAIR!!!!!!

AND she keeps signing us up for CAMP! I don't want to go to camp. I HATE CAMP. It's too hot, and I want to sit around and play my DSi and eat ice cream sandwhiches.

She should send my brother to camp and let me stay home! He's so annoying.

AND she keeps brushing my hair! She hurts me on purpose. I swear SHE LIKES IT. And she keeps threatening me that if I don't let her brush it she is going to cut it all off. SHE IS SO MEAN.

AND she wouldn't let me take out a movie at the library today. So what if I have 6 out already?? Supposedly the library only lets you take out 6, but COME ON! You can take out a zillion books at a time so why not a zillion movies???? That's a stupid STUPID RULE!

This just proves that everyone hates me! Even the library is out to get me.

WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

IT'S NO FAIR!

Dear Weird Old Guy:

Dear Weird Old Guy:

What are you trying to accomplish by rollerblading down the street with ski poles?

Just curious.

Love,
ME

Note to Self 29

Note to Self 29:

YOU are OFFICIALLY down to 0 house phones. Where they have all disappeared to is anyone's guess.

Take a breather before you go buy a new one.  You know they will all turn up after you fucking spend the money that YOU DON'T HAVE* on a new one.




*Because no one sends you your fucking paycheck on time.

Dear Asswipe:

Dear Asswipe:

WHAT THE FUCK. Can you please send me my paycheck?????

I am UNABLE to pay my fucking bills because YOU can't pay yours. GIVE ME MY MONEY.

Is it fair that I have to field phone calls from the stupid car loan people because you can't send me MY money on time????? I should fucking forward all calls to you!

Meanwhile, NICE LIES YOU TELL when I call about it and you act like it is in the mail. If it is in the mail, I would have gotten it 3 days ago. It's not like you are fucking mailing the shit to me from fucking Guam. You are 20 minutes away from me.

Dipshit.

Love,
ME

Dear Egocentric Idiot:

Dear Egocentric Idiot:

God it is super hard to deal with you.

Guess what, NOT EVERYTHING has to do with you.  Get a fucking life and go read some self help books that will teach you about self esteem.

I don't know if you are aware, but the world DOES NOT revolve around you. If I am upset about something, it really has NOTHING to do with you (MOST of the time). Stop turning everything around so it is about YOU and then crying about it.

GET OVER IT!

If you are unhappy with yourself, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Stop running around and crying that no one likes you!

It's actually pretty wierdo that you can have such a low opinion about yourself yet still think that everyone on earth is spending all their time thinking about you, talking about you, and hating your guts. I hate to break it to you, but YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT.

Jackass.

Love,
ME

Dear Money Hungry Assholes:

Dear Money Hungry Assholes:

I love how you make all these stupid filters for vaccuums, humidifiers, etc., and then you can't buy the fucking filters for them ANYWHERE.

FUCK YOU.

Assholes.

Then you stop making the filters and end up having to buy a new fucking vaccuum or whatever it is.  It reminds me of the time that my perfectly functioning camera's battery door fell off and I couldn't keep the batteries in. I couldn't get it fixed!!!! The thing worked perfectly and I ended up having to buy a new camera because of it.

Quite the little racket you've got going here.

Dicks.

Love,
ME