Dear Genius:

Dear Genius:

Just a little piece of useful advice.....

If you are so "sick" of reading about people's lives, DON'T DO IT.

I don't read about your pathetic, senseless and boring life because I have better things to do. I'm sure you can find more worthwhile and interesting things to do with your time.

Love,
Me

Evil Empire:

Evil Empire*:

You big jerks.

After that whole fiasco where you refused to support our troops by allowing people to buy stuff at your store to donate to them, I thought you sucked ass big time.

NOW you REALLY suck ass.

After my fight with you about how your supposed misunderstanding about what the girlscouts wanted to do, YOU stated that you DO give out donations even if sweet little 6 year olds aren't allowed to collect them in front of the store.  So I said "FINE what can you give us to send them"?

DID you EVER call us back? Did you even throw me a pack of Uno cards and a bag of chips to send them? DID YOU DO ANYTHING???

This is YET ANOTHER reason why YOUR REIGN OF TERROR needs to end.  YOU CREEPS.

Love,
ME 

*Target

Note to Self 15

Note to Self 15:

Do not feel guilty when you deposit birthday checks for the kids and husband into the family bank account and  use them to pay bills.  Every fucking penny you own goes to the care, feeding and spoiling of this freaking family! Also, YOU never use any money you get for gifts of any kind for yourself EVER. Those go straight into the bank and are used to pay bills or whatever.

Don't feel like a bitch wife when the husband starts complaining that he never gets to spend any of his birthday money.  Next time, tell him instead of crying and complaining like a 10 year old boy, go get a second job so we have enough money and THEN you can keep your birthday checks. (AND WHATEVER - what 34 year old man still gets birthday checks????? What's he saving for? College? A new car? WTF? He also thinks he should get a whole new wardrobe every September. Like he's going back to school or something. What is THAT about? I swear he's nuts.)

And don't feel like an asshole when the moms and dads act like you are some kind of jerk for keeping the money. WHERE IS YOUR birthday money, communion money, confirmation money,  etc. from when you were a kid? (Hint:  It's not in YOUR bank account - hmmmm it must have been spent on the care and feeding of YOU and your sister while you were growing up. It certainly wasn't spent on your college education. The $830 a month student loan bill - THAT YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY - is proof of that).
How quickly they forget what it was like to have your very soul (and every penny you own) sucked out of you by young children.

REMEMBER! No regrets! Don't waste ONE SECOND crying over stealing the kids' money to buy groceries.  THEY OWE YOU ANYWAY. Little jerks.

*************************************POLL TIME**********************************

Check out below on the right for the fourth crazy poll.

To the Nearly Dead:

To the Nearly Dead:


YOU should not be driving, as you have one foot in the grave.


The fact that you screamed at me because I parked where 50 other cars were parked just proves it. 


MY car being parked where it was should not make it difficult for you to get out of your parking spot. Why you felt the need to yell at ME is beyond me. What about the 49 other cars parked in the same area? WHY ME? Just cause I was there?


YOU need to back to your assisted living facility and leave the driving to those who are competent enough to get out of any parking spot they managed to get into. 


Hire a driver, or turn  your license in to the DMV.


Thanks.


Love,
ME

I SENSE ANOTHER POLL COMING. SHOULD OLD PEOPLE BE ALLOWED TO DRIVE? Answer yes or no (polls are on bottom right)

Note to Self 14

Note to Self 14:


Yeah, let me just say, when the school sends home a letter letting you know that there will be an early dismissal, YOU NEED TO WRITE THAT DOWN ASAP.


Because TODAY was early dismissal, and guess what, YOU weren't there to get your kid off the bus and your lovely neighbor had to bring her (and her friend - oh yes, YOU left another kid on the street corner in addition to your own) to your door.


Once again, YOU are a moron.

Note To Self 13

Note to Self 13:

Apparently your life IS NOT YOUR OWN to write about.

People are offended about what you write.

I know you don't give a fuck what they think, but try to have empathy.

Dear Evil Empire:

Dear Evil Empire*:


Every day I shop in your store and spend probably enough to pay your manager's salary for a year, HOWEVER I do this out of convenience and because your prices are (usually) pretty low.


That does NOT change the fact that YOU are an EVIL EMPIRE.


I really want to report you to the BBB. Because let me tell you, some of your practices are total bullshit.  Like your FALSE ADVERTISING. I love walking into your store and seeing something is supposedly on sale for a really great price and then getting to the register and finding out that it IS NOT EVEN THOUGH THE SIGN POSTED INDICATES THAT IT IS.  And then your bitchy check out girl will not give it to you for the posted price. This is bullshit. 


It happens so much, that I couldn't resist fighting on behalf of the poor girl in front of me, who thought her Cheerios cost $2.53, when in fact they were actually $4.99.  She thought they were $2.53 because there was a sign that was a foot high that said $2.53, and then below that sign there were boxes and boxes and boxes of Cheerios.  Apparently, according to the Thundercunt Cashier, there were little price tags located on the shelves that stated the boxes were $4.99. There was not one box on the shelf that was the size box of Cheerios that cost $2.53.  But did the EVIL EMPIRE give her the box of Cheerios for $2.53? NO. Of course not. BECAUSE THEY ARE SOULLESS BLOODSUCKING EVIL GREEDY JACKASSES.  And the stupid cashier was a huge fucking bitch about it.  So I just had to jump in and let the poor girl fighting for her Cheerios know that THE EVIL EMPIRE DOES THIS ALL THE TIME.  Stupid cashier bitch was personally offended. Oh well. The truth hurts sister.


You return policy also SUCKS. I know you should keep all receipts but come on, shit happens. And if I want to exchange something I should be able to do it without a receipt. OR I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET STORE CREDIT and buy whatever I want.  Seriously, your rule about giving store credit for only the department whose item you are returning - that's ridiculous. How did you even come up with that bullshit? Also I HATE how you can't return dvds (or electronics or whatever if they are opened. I get that people steal or whatever but let me tell you something - one day I bought a dvd (the Others with Nicole Kidman). When I got home and opened the dvd, THERE WAS NOTHING IN THERE. The case was EMPTY! Oh Good God that took years off of my life fighting that return battle (but I did SUCCEED!!! HAHA) And one time my sister tried to return a remote because IT WAS DEFECTIVE and didn't work. And they gave her a very very very hard time. Or how about when, you are having a baby and you are expecting the baby to be a girl, but HE comes out a BOY.  You are telling me I can't fucking return clothes people got me as gifts that CLEARLY came from Target (which you can tell from the brands they sell) with no receipt and that since I have no receipt I can only buy clothes from the Girls department????? Yeah that's fucking useful to me, since A FREAKING BOY POPPED OUT INSTEAD.


But the last straw is when you wouldn't let the girl scouts stand outside of your store to collect donations to deliver to soldiers in Afghanistan.  YOU act like you are all about Community Service but really you are just an EVIL EMPIRE and need to be destroyed. What is the problem? YOU would actually be making money off this deal because people would be purchasing extra items in your store to give to the soldiers.  Clearly you have no soul. 


Fuck you,
Love,
Me


*Target

Dear BB:

Dear BB:

Thanks for screaming "THIS IS THE WORST MATH EVER" over and over again at the top of your lungs for an hour before switching to "I JUST CAN'T DO IT, PLEASE MAMA PLEASE MAMA".

It really jazzes up my day.

Love,
Mom

PS - sorry I had to punish you, but when you threw that pencil at me, it was the last straw.

Love you,
Mommy

PPS- Oh and I AM deadly serious when I tell you I will send your ass back to kindergarten. It's just subtraction. Man up and get it done!

Love,
Mom

Dear Brainless:

Dear Brainless:


Not sure if you know, but Middle Spawn is 4 and so his socks are really too big for Baby Spawn to wear, because Baby Spawn is not even a year old yet.


Just for future reference, Baby Spawn's socks are kept with Baby Spawn's clothing, and Middle Spawn's socks are kept with Middle Spawn's clothing.  I do this to avoid confusion, but clearly you are still having trouble.


Here's a clue.....if you put the sock on Baby Spawn's foot and it is so big that it practically falls right off, THAT IS NOT HIS SOCK.  Go to the closet and get one that fits him. I'm sick of him being barefoot all the time and losing socks.  Thanks.


Love,
Me

Dear Brats:

Dear Brats:


I so love cooking home cooked meals every night just to have them sit uneaten on the table.


I also enjoy watching iCarly during dinner, and having you all conveniently "forget" what went on at school during the day. REALLY, you can't remember ONE thing that happened? You can't remember who you sat with at lunch, who you played with at recess or one thing you learned at school? It wasn't that long ago!!!!!! Should I have you checked by a neurologist? Clearly something must be wrong with you if you can't remember anything.


It's great when you come in from school/dancing/soccer/whatever and dump your bag in the middle of the floor and then when I ask you to pick it up and put it in your room, you act like you don't know where it is. Here is an idea: step away from the TV and look around the room! I guarantee you will see it RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT. You brats are a bunch of lazy asses!  I thought things were turning around when Middle Spawn spilled the cranberry juice and took the mop out of his own volition and started cleaning the mess up! Clearly that was a one time thing, and anyway, all he really did was smear stickiness and juice all over the floor. I stuck to the kitchen floor this morning and could barely get myself free.


Maybe I should just save my money and only feed you two meals a day. Perhaps you should be taking Ginko Biloba or doing brain games?


Yours Truly,
Mom

Dear Cause of My Frustration:

Dear Cause of My Frustration:

How come every single time YOU wash the dishes, there is a disgusting film of grease or something that is ALL OVER THEM? AND like a little puppy or something, I am supposed to praise you, just because you did a chore!!!  Who the hell tells me I did a good job ON ANYTHING? (Hint, the answer is NOONE).

How many times do I have to tell you STAY AWAY FROM THE DISHES!!!

Maybe you don't understand English? In that case:

“远离的菜”

"Bly weg van die geregte"

"ابتعد عن الأطباق"

"aldendu platerak from"

"סטייַ אַוועק פון די קיילים"

"Tránh xa những món ăn"

"Drž sa od riadu"

"Maradj távol az edények"

"Restez à l'écart de la vaisselle"

"Stare lontano dai piatti"

"Manatiling ang layo mula sa pinggan"

"दूर रहो बर्तन से"

"Dvöl burt frá diskar"

"Fan amach ó na miasa"

"Manténgase alejado de los platos"

"Fique longe dos pratos"

"近づかない皿から"

"떨어져 요리에서"

"Μείνετε μακριά από τα πιάτα"

"Bleiben Sie weg von der Gerichte"

"Держитесь подальше от блюда"

"Håll er borta från disken"

"อยู่ห่างจากอาหาร"

Hopefully you get the picture now.  Just to reiterate, stay out of the kitchen. The kitchen is MY room. You go sit on the couch with your TV and beer. Thanks.

Love,
ME

Note to Self 12

Note to Self 12:

You really are the greatest mother. Seriously. You should get some sort of award*.  You are so fabulous, let me count the ways!

1.  That day when your kids ate jelly beans for dinner and skipped lunch altogether! Fabulous.
2.  How they are babysat by the Wii, DSi or TV all day long, while I:
            a.  Try to cook.
            b.  Try to clean.
            c.  Try to do laundry (fold laundry, that has piled up on the table, clean but unfolded and not put
                  away. I hate putting away laundry. I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. I hate folding too)
            d.  Dick around on the computer.
3. How swimming in the pool counts as their shower. (Hey I don't get one why should they?)
4. How I am drunk practically every night just to wind down! (ok, ok, don't go calling CPS on me, I am not
    drunk, per se, every night. I just need some wino time)
5.   How I am too damn tired to follow through on punishments. Because these kids are sooooooo damn
      annoying.
6.  How I spoil the kids even though I am destitute and have no money. They still do EVERYTHING. Even
     though I can't afford food.

Oh, how I could go on forever.  Straighten up please. YOU are a loser.
*for you dumbasses out there with no sense of humor, I am being sarcastic.

Dear Mental Case:

Dear Mental Case:

If you think I'm having sex with someone (that would be YOU) who just puked all over my bathroom, you are even CRAZIER than I thought.

In fact, you need to get out of my bed, and go to a hotel. I don't have time to be sick because I have your three spawn to take care of AND NO HELP. 

Please go shower in Lysol.

Thanks!

Love,
ME

Note To Self # 11

Please remember!

AN APPLE HEY HEY KEEPS THE DRUNKNESS AT BAY

I'm NOT crazy, my theory is backed up on eHow:

Share an apple, eat an apple after you have drink. The natural sugars in the apple help stabilize your blood sugars while your body eliminates what it doesn't need.

Read more: How to Avoid or Aid a Hang-over Once It Started | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5777620_avoid-aid-hang_over-once-started.html#ixzz1J5Beid2K

Once again......

Once again, say it with me:

CANCER, YOU CAN SUCK IT.

You fucking suck. I told you to stay away from my friends, family and neighbors, yet here you are again.

I long for the day when you are defeated once and for all.

Loser.

P.S. - Donate some money to kill cancer once and for all, and get some cool bracelets/key chains/whatever in return.  I appreciate it, and so do all of the millions of people suffering from this stupid fucking disease. Cancer, you need to DIE. Thanks. 

Love,
ME

Dear Stuck Up Assholes:

Dear Stuck Up Assholes:

I just wanted to thank you.  I know you think you are doing some sort of good by telling my mommy on me because I curse too much, but really, you are just an annoying moron that I get to make fun of on a daily basis.

I don't know if it is just one person or a group of bible thumping goody goodies, but I find it hilarious that you would flag these blog posts as abusive. Perhaps YOU are one of the jackasses???? In any event, I've found a way around your stupid plan, so fuck off.

Since you SO love to try to manipulate what I do,  here's an idea FROM ME TO YOU:  please remove yourself from my friends list.  Since I am such a foul mouthed heathen, clearly you shouldn't associate with me anymore.  I wouldn't want to offend YOUR delicate eyes or ears, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYONE ELSE DOESN'T WANT TO BE OFFENDED! Plenty of people are enjoying reading this.

GOD, you have GOT to be a Republican.

Go Fuck Yourself,

Love,
Me

Dear Spawn:

Dear Spawn:

Here's an idea! Instead of sitting inside playing basketball on the Wii, GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY ACTUAL BASKETBALL.

Love,
Mom

Baby Spawn:

Baby Spawn:

Back away from those wires!

I don't need you getting electrocuted! Need I remind you I am already on a list at poison control?

You and your animal siblings won't be happy until I am in the clink. You'll all be sorry when you only have your father to take care of you.

Straighten up bitches!

Love,
Mom

To My "Self Cleaning" Oven:

To My "Self Cleaning" Oven:

Thanks for not self cleaning anymore.

It was great to spend 3 hours with my head in the oven ala Sylvia Plath.

This was such Cinderella-style work that, like Sylvia, I really wanted to turn the oven on and end it all!

Fuck off.

Love,
Me

HELLO:

HELLO:

I'm not sure if you noticed, a door is a "swinging or sliding barrier[s] that will close the entrance to a room"*.

This means, just to spell it out for you, that they are NOT coloring books.  So don't color on them.

Thanks.

Love,
Mom

PS - stop coloring on the walls as well. A wall is a wall**, and not an artist's canvas.

*definition of "door" from wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

**actually a wall is "An upright structure of masonry, wood, plaster, or other building material serving to enclose, divide, or protect an area, especially a vertical construction forming an inner partition or exterior siding of a building", if you want to get technical about it. From http://www.thefreedictionary.com/wall

Dear Losers:

Dear Losers:

Condoms, pregnancy tests, and Robitussin do NOT need to be locked in little plastic cases at the grocery store so that everyone on earth knows your business.

I don't need to be running into my daughter's kindergarten teacher while purchasing any of these items so that she (and anyone else I run into) can know I'm going to get it on, am knocked up (maybe) or have green snot.

It's bad enough the teenaged loser cashier has to know and is gonna go laugh about it while smoking a fatty in their car on their break with their loser ass friends.

Whatever happened to privacy?

And isn't this supposed to be a free country? Am I in America or Iran? Shouldn't this stuff be readily available to me? Shoudn't I be able to buy Sudafed without asking permission from the 15 year old checkout girl????

Jackoffs.

Love,
Me


PS- HERE! You can buy your stuff privately and in peace! Oh, and I am NOT pregnant, AND I am celibate until the dumb husband gets snipped. I do, possibly, have seasonal allergies. 

Dear Idiot Dry Cleaner:

Dear Idiot Dry Cleaner:

I truly commend you immigrating to this country and running a successful business, however I have to say, why take my phone number down on your stupid dry cleaner order form and then NEVER CALL ME to say that you do not have the box to seal Baby Spawn's christening outfit in?

You yell at me for coming in 4 months later to pick it up as if it is my fault that you never called me (thank God I was in the area and decided I should check out what was going on, or you would have just kept it forever probably).  YOU said you were going to call me when it came in.  YOU HAD MY PHONE NUMBER! CALL ME, tell me you don't have the box and won't be getting it in, and then I would have just picked the thing up. Don't chastize me in that silly little accent that makes everything sound cute (like we are in a Hello Kitty cartoon or something) for not coming to pick it up.

Thanks for cleaning it and letting it sit in your shop for four freakin months that I could have spent finding another dry cleaner to do the job.

And thanks for telling me that you just don't make boxes small enough for christening outfits when I KNOW you do because the two other Spawn BOTH had their outfits sealed in the box AT YOUR STORE. (Meanwhile LOOK below, you can buy one on fucking Amazon).

And lastly, special, special thanks for cackling at me with your sing-songy Korean accent and  saying "sooooo cuuuuuuuute" over and over again. 

What a lovely experience, I'll be sure to come again.
Jackasses.

Love,
ME

P.S. - And YES I realize leaving dry cleaning at a store for 4 months is ridiculous. HOWEVER, I didn't think to check back until now because THE OTHER TWO'S CHRISTENING OUTFITS TOOK 3+ MONTHS BEFORE THEY WERE READY TO BE PICKED UP IN THEIR LITTLE BOXES.

You suck.

Dear That Who Shall Not Be Named:

Dear That Who Shall Not Be Named*:

How about you put those stupid access cards IN BACK of the cable box instead of right there in the front where they call out to children of all ages???

Retards.

I fucking hate you.

Love,
ME

*Cablevision

Guest Blogger Post #1

Dear Congress:

Last year I mismanaged my funds and this year I cannot decide on a budget..Until I have come to a unified decision that fits all of my needs and interests I will have to shut down my personal accounts and will no longer be able to pay my taxes.  I'm sure you will understand. Thank you very much for setting an example we can all follow.

Love
GB#1

Dear Retard:

Dear Retard:

Your license has officially expired.  Get your ass:

a) to the doctor to take a fucking eye test; OR

b) to the armpit of the earth, aka, the DMV, where they will (hopefully) be (well, they are SUPPOSED to be ) competent enough to take care of this matter*.

I'm very sorry I cannot take your eye test for you. This is something you have to do yourself.  It's bad enough I am your secretary, social coordinator, stylist, cook, maid, whore, pharmacist and driver.  I CANNOT BE YOUR EYEBALLS TOO. So sorry.

Love you,
ME

*Stop laughing, he may get lucky.

Dear Baby Spawn:

Dear Baby Spawn:

What's with the crayon eating obsession? They can't possibly taste good. Do you just need something to chew? Cause I have 4,000 teething toys here that you completely ignore.

Stop trying to poison yourself. I think I am on a list at poison control from the time your big brother ate the cat litter (and also from that time when he took both his and big sister's doses of children's Motrin).  One more call and they will probably send me to jail.

Is this what you want?

Get it together and stick to eating FOOD.

Thanks!

Love you,
Mommy

Dear Hookers:

Dear Hookers:

Hey I have a great idea!!! Stop advertising your hooker services on Craigslist!!! It'll be fine! You can stand on a street corner like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman instead of being bait for a mass murderer!

Everyone wins with this idea! YOU stay alive, and I get a nice peaceful summer at the beach. I'd really appreciate it if my kids don't stumble across a dead woman while waiting on line at the concession stand for ice cream. 

Thanks a bunch!

Love,
ME

P.S. - I realize it is a little cold for street walking, but summer is just around the corner. If it bothers you that much, you can just go to Vegas. It's warm all the time AND they'll give you a room to work out of.

Dear Flaky:

Dear Flaky:

The only reason I don't run over there and curse you out is because I am desperate for work.

Seriously, why can't you answer a text? I've sent you three and have had no response for the last week.

How am I supposed to know what is going on if you ignore me all the time?

I deserve better than this, especially because of all the times I've saved your sorry ass when  you flake out on the job.

Text me back!

Loser!

Beyond Frustrated,
ME

FU New York State

FU NYS:

It was great going into work today to find out that ALL the people I work for  have pretty much been let go because YOU can't manage money properly.

Thanks so much for ensuring that I end up on food stamps living in a cardboard box with my 3 children.

The LEAST you can do is GET MY TAX RETURN TO ME so I can pay some of these fucking bills, but I guess THAT is too much to ask for.

Is it fair that YOUR incompetence has now rendered me unemployed, as well as ensured that my kid has 30 kids in her class?

Thanks again, LOSER.

Love,
ME

Dear Bratty Bitch (hereinafter, BB):

Dear BB:

Thanks so much for harassing me incessently for two whole years for a stupid ass Barbie Dream House, and then playing with it all of 5 times.  There is nothing I like more than wasting money I don't have on stupid toys for your spoiled ass. 

Incidentally, Barbie is a whore. I hate her, AND her stupid house, that took 3 adults, a bottle of wine and a good 2 hours to put together. Stupid slut.

Love you!
Mommy

PS - at least it comes with the furniture for the fucking $160+ it costs.  Although the chairs are already broken on ours.  Because toy companies LOVE charging hundreds of dollars for shitty pieces of plastic and cardboard.

To The Powers That Be:

To The Powers That Be:

Stop using the fact that Qadhafi has his period again as an excuse to raise gas prices to $4 a gallon.

This is bullshit, and we all know it.

Love,
Me

PS - World Peace is everyone's responsibility. Please do your part by mailing  Qadhafi some Midol. You never know. It MAY make a difference.

Dear Clueless:

Dear Clueless:

Hi! You've got balls the size of an elephant's for even suggesting that my kids are "wild"*.  Your kid is a sociopath, but clearly your head is too far up your ass to notice. Next time, keep your opinions to yourself.  Big mouth.

Thanks.

Love,
Me.

*I know my kids are nuts.  But so are everyones. Mine are normal nuts. Which is to be distinguished from sociopath nuts.

Dear Middle Spawn:

Dear Middle Spawn:

I do love you very much but PLEASE stop pissing yourself! You are 4!!!

You can stop the video games to go pee. There's a wonderful little invention called the pause button. 

I think you will have to go to rehab for video game additiction. I will miss you, but it's for the best.

Love you!
Mommy

Dear Jackoff:

Dear Jackoff:

Yeah, thanks so much. I opened 3 separate closets today in 3 separate rooms during the course of my day. You know, I was just putting away laundry, getting a new slip cover for the couch, and getting the big box of baby wipes out of the closet.

Imagine my surprise when  ALL THREE TIMES objects flew out of the closet nearly killing me and now there is all kinds of shit laying everywhere.  Can't wait for you to come home and complain about the mess. Even though IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT.

Here's some info, just FYI....
1.  Cleaning does not mean stuffing everything into a fucking closet or sweeping it under a rug.
2.  Cleaning ACTUALLY involves cleaning supplies, mops, buckets, water, and soap.
3.  Cleaning baby stuff means you pick up all the food thrown on the floor by the baby and wash off his    high chair tray.
4.  Also when the baby's diaper leaks shit out of it and his clothes get full of it, you RINSE THAT SHIT OFF IN THE SINK. With soap. And water.  You don't just throw shit filled onesies in the hamper. Because now my whole house smells like a fucking cesspool.
5.  Moreover, that towel you use ONE TIME to dry off after your CLEAN ass comes out of the shower? THAT'S NOT DIRTY AND DOESN'T BELONG IN THE HAMPER. You can use that a couple of times. I don't need to be doing laundry ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!

You are driving me fucking crazy. Seriously. Just don't clean. PLEASE DON'T CLEAN. Don't do ANYTHING without specific instructions from me. Because AGAIN you used the dishwasher and there are a bunch of dirty dishes in there for me to rewash. AND although you FINALLY listened about not putting the baby bottles in the dishwasher and washed them by hand, they all felt like they were COVERED in grease and I also have to rewash them.

So while you think you are God's Gift to women, I am telling you YOU ARE NOT. More like a Trojan Horse or the Devil in Disguise or some fucking retard I picked up off the street. One more time: JUST STOP "CLEANING". I don't need your kind of "help".

Thanks.

Love you!

Love,
ME

To the Tranny in the Burgundy Corolla:

To the Tranny in the Burgundy Corolla:

How nice that you, with a cell phone gripped in your man hands, insisted on racing down the highway like a lunatic, swerving in and out of cars.

It's also nice that you don't believe in turn signals.  It was a fun game to play with the kids - guess where the Tranny will go next!

How lucky for us that you were going the same way as us for miles, and that, like most men, are unable to multitask* and were practically driving on the grass of the exit ramp while trying to make your phone call.

You fucking beast. GET A CLUE.  Hire a driver to take you to your sex change operation. JUST GET OFF THE ROAD. Ass.

Love,
ME
*Unless you are jerking off and watching porn at the same time (one of my friends always says this and it is SO TRUE)

Dear Oldest Spawn, aka Bratty Bitch

Dear Bratty Bitch:

You know what is so amazing? It's the fact that you act so sweet and angelic and everyone thinks you are just perfect.

I know the truth. The reality is that you are a total brat!!!!

Thanks for screaming your face off and telling me how much you hate me while I was trying to get you to the busstop.  I know you would rather play with your stupid Pokeman sticker index, but really, I will go to jail if I just let you stay home from school cause you feel like it.

It's really becoming an obsession these stupid ass Pokeman. I mean honestly, aren't they over? I remember them from when I was a kid (don't I? Or am I hallucinating or suffering from early on-set alzheimers?).  Hasn't something better come up by now? This is getting ridiculous.  I really love how when I have 30 seconds to get out the door and am jamming a cleat onto your foot while your brothers are already waiting in the car, YOU take out another fucking Pokeman sticker and say "a little help please"? Man, I want to throw that fucking book in the garbage, and you right after it.

Excedrin Migraine should make you their spokesperson because I have singlehandedly been responsible for all of their profits thanks to YOU and your big mouth.

My brain hurts.

But I still love you.

Love,
Mommy

PS - If you are worse than this when you are a teenager, I am going to send you to boarding school in Morocco.