Dear Dickbag:

Dear Dickbag:

I am not here solely to clean up after you. In the future, when you use a dish, WASH IT. Do not leave a sinkfull for me to clean after you and your jackass friends watch football. You are a douche.

Jackass.

Dear MS:

Dear MS:

I'm so glad you learned how to dial 911 in case of an emergency! Just so we are clear, an emergency IS NOT:

-that you need a bandaid.
-that I'm not paying enough attention to you.
-that you want fruit loops.

An emergency would be me trying to drown you in the tub or clubbing your father over the head with a frying pan repeatedly until he is unconcious (because he implied that I am not watching you close enough. However, when you are lying in your bed watching Star Wars, how am I supposed to know that you have gotten a phone and dialed 911?).

In the future, please stay away from the phone. Period.

Thanks!

Love,
Mommy

You know that book Shit My Kids Ruined? (click the pic below to buy your own copy. It makes a nice baby shower gift) How sad that it is my life. And why should this bitch be making money off her misery when all my misery gets is a fucking whole lot of credit card debt?




MS threw the Wii remote through the flat screen TV.  You would have thought that he would have learned his lesson after throwing the Wii remote through the window last year, but NO.  He had to throw the fucking thing through the fucking TV. Oh, and BS put a crayon in the toaster and then tried to toast a waffle.  Plus I think he also broke the Tassimo.

Incidentally, if we didn't have a stupid flat screen TV (which I told my husband NOT to get, as there was nothing wrong with our fucking TV, but he just HAD to get it anyway), the fucking TV would never have broken, and I wouldn't have an extra bill to pay, but whatever.

I'd like to thank my mother in law for saving MS' life by calling my husband at work and telling him "if you lay a hand on that kid I will fucking kill you. Punish him, but don't you dare hit him. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FUCKING HOLES I HAD IN MY WALLS BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID PLAYSTATION AND FUCKING SPORTS? It's a material thing, it can be replaced". 

Yes, retardation is passed down from father to son, as I lost many a prized possession due to flying remotes when the Yankees were having an off day.  

Dear Idiot:

Dear Idiot:

I sincerely apologize for scaring you. It's just that the toaster was on fire.  I wasn't sneaking up on you, I just happened to walk into the kitchen and see that the fucking toaster oven was on fire! I'm surprised you didn't notice, as you were standing right in front of it toasting up a nice sausage and peppers hero with provolone. 

I don't think it was necessary for you to start screaming at ME, however. After all, I saved your life, and the lives of all living in this house.  Apparently, I can no longer trust that you will be responsible enough to care for our children, pets or yourself when the toaster goes on fire before your eyes and you don't get nervous at all. In fact, perhaps you should seek therapy, when the thing that scared you was my "sneaking up on you" and not the ball of flames 4 inches away from you. 

Jackass.

Love,
Me

Dear Ass:

Dear Ass:

Thank you for sitting on the sofa with a beer and watching football and criticizing my method for going over BB's failed math test.

If it is so fucking easy, please feel free to take over.

You stupid shit.

Love,
Me

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer:

You are such a cunt.

Where to Find Freaks

In case you were wondering, the freaks are at your local Board of Education Meeting.

For instance, the freak who comes to every meeting crying about cuts to the music program so his band geek kid can be out of the house all day and he can look at internet porn alone and in peace. This freak actually suggested that the district go back to half day kindergarten just so the music program could have more money, and suggested that an entire LIPA rebate check the district received go to the music program (because what else is there, really? I mean surely there is no other good use for that money except for his fucking kid's viola lessons). 

Another winner came up to speak (well actually he whispered, and you couldn't even hear him with the microphone) about adult education volleyball and was whining that he and his wife "were told we weren't allowed to play".  It seriously sounded as if he was my 4 year old crying about how his big sister won't let him play.

Crazy people. 

I've Got Into a Time Machine and Went Back to 1954

Dear Husband:

I so need direction from you! I really appreciate you letting me know that "my job" for the day was to clean the living room and dining room.

I really don't know what I would do without you! I mean, I totally didn't notice that I needed to clean those rooms.   You boys are just so much smarter than us fairer, weaker women.

Thank God for men! We women would just die without you. I mean,  you bring home the bacon and boss me around! I'm too stupid to think for myself, I just pray to Jesus every night that you stay with me forever.

Love,
Your Loving Wife

Dear Little Baby Spawn:

Dear My Precious Little Baby Spawn:

Pink rubber erasers, while lovely and very appealing to look at, ARE NOT food! Thanks for taking a bite out of your sister's eraser.  It was very amusing. One would think that you would quickly realize that an eraser tastes like ass, but NO! You went for yet another bite, and then tried to toast it in the toaster.

Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get toasted eraser out of a toaster?

You are so cute!

Love you!
Love,
Mommy

Miracle of Miracles!

After 3 loooooooooooooooooooooooong months of trying, I've finally managed to wash my kitchen floor!!!

The Rules

Dear MS:

In the future, please refrain from bringing the plunger into the bathtub while you and Baby Spawn are taking a bath.

I know I threw out all the bath toys because they were old and moldy, and that you really don't have anything to play with in the bath, but seriously, the plunger??? What is fun about that?

Hopefully you don't end up with diptheria or something.

Love ya!
Mom.

Fucking Old People

I hate to say this, because I will be old one day. Fuck, some people would already consider me old, but whatever. 

I want to punch every fucking old person I see in the fucking face repeatedly and then roll over them with their wheelchairs.

First it was the dumb bitch in the Evil Empire who was so senile she couldn't figure out how to work the computer at all yet was scanning 4,000 pictures of her trip to fucking wherever.  As she is retired, she has nothing to do with her time except go on vacations with other old bags. Meanwhile, I am in a rush and need to scan 2 pictures, which will take a grand total of 35 seconds. And again, she has nothing but time. After her fucking trip to the Evil Empire, she probably was going to go home and sit in her fucking rocking chair, hook herself up to an oxygen tank and watch a soap opera while eating salt free potato chips. 

That old bitch turned around and said "I'm gonna be a while". I said, "Oh I only have 2 pictures and I need to get them scanned before I go to my son's school" and that old coot said "well I don't know what to tell you".

Well old bitch, maybe you figure time isn't on your side because you are as old as Moses and could drop dead at any fucking second, but I'm telling you, I think you'll survive the day, and common courtesy would be to let the girl behind you with the 2 pictures go first. 

FUCK YOU.

Next was the old fuck at the stupid craft fair.  YES I know that MS is a pain in the ass. SO FUCKING SORRY he touched your gay ass wooden lawn sign that no one in their right mind would want.  YOU with your old wrinkled prune face scared him enough when  you yelled at him and when I turned around to see where he had gotten to, and started yelling at him to not touch stuff and to hurry up and stay with mommy, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH.

There was no fucking need for your stupid ass to yell at ME:  TELL HIM NOT TO TOUCH STUFF.Yeah dick, what do you think I just did? Did you not hear me fucking screaming at him?

Sorry I had to curse you out in front of all those people. Whenever I yell at old people, I do feel upset about it but fuck, man, you douchebags don't rule the world. You don't like little kids, then don't go to places where they frequent. 

You can't fucking go to Mcdonalds & Friendly's or fairs and carnivals and then bitch that there are kids there.  I know you like your senior citizen specials over there but seriously if you hate kids so much you're gonna have to pony up some dough and fucking go somewhere a little nicer.  I don't go to the fucking old folks home and complain that there are old people there. I don't go to IHOP and complain about the old man smell. I don't fucking go the casino and whine to the pit boss when I trip over some old wheelchair bound bitch's oxygen tank.

I don't get you people! When I'm old I plan on sitting around and doing nothing. I, unlike you, know how to use a computer so there won't be any fucking reason to leave my assisted living facility and be annoyed by any children.  The only children who will be annoying me will be my fucking grandchildren. And judging from my children's personalities, I'll really fucking be in for it.

MS Has Mommy's Mouth

While playing the Legend of Zelda on Wii, the battery on the remote died.  MS got a new remote. The battery on that one died too. MS then screamed:

DAMMIT THIS ONE'S DEAD TOO!

I'm so proud.

Miracle of Miracles

I actually had a civilized conversation with Todd Grey, Super Asshole.

He still managed to be a total douchebag though.

I guess what I mean to say is that I managed to be civilized while speaking to Todd Grey, Super Asshole.  And Todd Grey, Super Asshole continued to be the giant dick that he is.

Yeah. Liquor stores seriously need to be open 24 hours.

OK Seriously

Ok Seriously, explain to me HOW a freaking library book is soaking wet when it was bone dry when I dropped it in the book drop (along with about 6 other books and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on CD) outside the library.

Nice how the librarian called me up and sounded totally disgusted, as if I threw the book in the toilet before I put it in the book drop.

Every other book was completely fine, so according to her, that means that this is my fault.

Now what kind of ass would I be to throw a fucking sopping wet book into a book drop? I'm not a fucking moron, if I damaged a book I would just go in and pay for it. In fact, when the little assholes lost a fucking book I just went in and paid for it. (Incidentally I just found the fucking thing, but whatever). 

Honestly, is there no other option other than that I fucking sprayed a hose on this thing or what? It couldn't be that it fell outside of the bin and that it was wet there??? I swear to God I am not paying $25 for a fucking book that was perfectly normal when I dropped it into the book drop.

God this is so annoying. I really hope I don't have to break into the fucking book drop to prove my point - which is that something in there is wet, regardless of whether or not the fucking other books are all wet.  I would have noticed a fucking soaking wet book when I was dropping them off! There really is no need for the fucking librarian to treat me like some kind of fucking derelict, just because the rest of society acts like assholes half the time.

You fucking jackasses ruin it for all of us.

You actually ARE retarded.

Dear Husband:

You really are fucking brain dead. I realized this when I caught you pouring soap into the sink full of dishes.

This is why no dishes are ever clean in this house when you come in contact with them.

Here's the deal:  You pour the soap on the sponge and  wash each dish, adding more soap TO THE SPONGE as you go. You don't pour soap all over the dirty dishes and then turn the water on, swipe the sponge over them, and call them clean.

Moron.

Love,
Your Loving Wife.

Where do you find DUMB ADVICE? The internet, of course!

I got this e-mail the other day:

The question:

How should you handle a daughter who is being temperamental or moody? What can you do to help calm her down?

The Answers:

Chocolate!

Oh very good answer. So your kid can eat everytime she freaks out and turn into a fat ass emotional disaster. Good plan! Thanks for the advice!

Have you ever told her how you feel? That when she says or does certain things that it makes you sad/hurts your feelings?

Oh yeah, because the kid really fucking cares about my feelings.  The kid is 8, she cares about her own fucking feelings and nothing else. HELLO.

I guess, we can pray for her.. every night, you can lay your hands on your kids and just pray for them.. and trust God that they will change.. Believe and you will receive whatever you ask in prayer, as long as it is with in God's will.

Yes, because prayer has worked so well for me in the past. Which is why I've won the lottery 50 times and have more money than the Pope, my kids are always well behaved, and everyone loves me, there is peace on Earth, and happiness all over.

Do not fight with her while she is being moody. Later make sure she is clear about her moodiness and how it affects other people.

Great idea. I'll just let her scream on the floor like a psycho and not scream back at her. That'll be easy!

My partners daughter is sooo moody! When she is with us i just quietly remind myself that she isnt mine and take deep breaths! She isnt mine so i cant give her the strong talking to she needs and all i can think is that when my daughter is that age there is no way she will get away with treating me like that!

You know what I love? When people who have no kids (or who don't have the same problems you have) give advice. Yeah dick, it seems real easy when it isn't you.

Fucking jackasses abound.

YAY THE REVOLUTION BEGINS!

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just So You Know

Just so you ALL know:

YES I have to fucking deal with this shit every day. YES! This is how it is. YES there is ALWAYS a kid climbing on kitchen counters to get cups to pour juice and then spill juice all over the floor.

Yes there are always kids here chasing each other around and never cleaning up after themselves.

YES there is always a dinner being cooked that no kids will eat.

YES there are constantly Cheerios in the carpet and also chips and probably crackers as well.

YES every day I have to chase a kid who escapes outside. EVERY DAY.

YES every day I have to make sure a kid doesn't electrocute himself by sticking a fork in the toaster or an electrical socket.

YES every day I have to make sure a kid doesn't choke on a cock ring he found in my nightstand drawer that I bought at a Passions party and never used except as an item on a scavenger hunt.

YES there is ALWAYS laundry.

YES I am CONSTANTLY DRIVING my kids places in my car. AND YES, they do have to do everything.

AND YES, THIS IS WHY I DRINK.

Dear Baby Demolition Man:

Dear Baby Demolition Man:

MUST YOU throw all the forks, knives and spoons out of the drawer and onto the kitchen floor?

Must you eat out of the garbage?

Must you hide all the cable cards?

Must you fling cat litter all over the house?

Must you throw clean, folded laundry into the trash?

MUST YOU????????????

I do love you, but please get  your shit together.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Love of My Life:

Dear Love of My Life:

STOP FUCKING SAYING SUNDAY IS YOUR ONLY DAY OFF. You stupid fuck. At least you get Sunday. I GET NO DAY.

You asstard.

Say it again and see what happens, fuckface.

Love you!
Love,
ME

Dear Moron:

Dear Moron:

Just so you know, if the laundry machine is occupied, THAT MEANS IT IS FUCKING OCCUPIED. It is NOT laundry room protocol to REMOVE the clean clothes from the washer and to throw them WET into the dryer with clean, dry clothes so that you can use the washing machine.

A normal person says "Hey, I need to use the washer, can you get your clothes out"? OR they take the clothes out of the dryer, and put them in a laundry basket and take the clothes from the washer and throw them in the dryer, thereby freeing up the washing machine. Duh.

Moreover, one does NOT take THEIR wet clean clothes from the washing machine, and then throw them in the dryer with the 2 FUCKING LOADS THAT ARE ALREADY IN THERE (because, in case anyone is having issues following this complex stupidity, there was 1 clean, dry load in the dryer, to which Moron then added 1 clean wet load and turned the dryer on, so that is 2 clean dry [damp] loads of laundry and then added HIS stupid clean wet clothes to the fucking 2 loads already in the dryer for a fucking total of 3 fucking loads of laundry in the dryer).

Not only are you just plain stupid, but you are wasting soap, electricity, dryer sheets and energy (by picking out your dumb clothes from the 2 loads in the dryer which were MINE) and killing the environment slowly.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Jackass.

Love,
ME

Yeah

You dumb douche, just so you fucking know, just because I "stay home every day" doesn't mean that it is my fucking "day off".
I do more in 15 minutes than you fucking do in 8 hours of work AND I'm better looking too. So HA.

You dick.

Love,
Me

Dear 40 Year Old Virgin Wannabe

Dear 40 Year Old Virgin Wannabe:

Listen, get the fuck away from your secretly Lesbo girlfriend and find a real fucking woman to be in a real relationship with!

Do this QUICKLY before we end up waxing your body hair and having to give you dating lessons.  I'm tired because I have 3 kids and a husband to fucking take care of, so taking you on would prove to be a gargantuan effort.

I really can't afford to send you a Russian mail order hooker, especially since I defaulted on my student loans. Todd Grey Super Asshole would shit a brick if I charged sex for you and didn't send him any money.

If possible, perhaps you can find a rich girl who will love you so much she will pay to get your dear old friend out of debt?

It's not impossible! You are cute and funny and smart. What more could a girl want?*

Love you!
Me

*IF ANYONE WANTS A DATE WITH THIS CUTIE PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE.  I'LL PUT YOU IN TOUCH.

Dear Children:

Dear Children:

I am very sorry you are stuck with my pathetic ass as a mother. Maybe if you didn't drive me fucking insane all day, I would be better to you.

Love you,
Mommy

P.S. It's my fucking birthday today, so just TRY for 24 fucking hours to be fucking quiet, to not fight, and to leave me the hell alone. This goes DOUBLE for Daddy. 

OK Headline News

Dear Headline News:

I really love watching you all day but COME ON. I don't fucking give 2 fucks about the Conrad Murray/Michael Jackson trial.

I mean, Michael was great and everything, but he's gone and it is very sad that his doctor was a fucking retard, but I definitely don't need all fucking day coverage.

I want to know what happened to that girl in Aruba! Can we go back to that? Cause that guy was a fucking creep and clearly is guilty as sin since he hired the devil himself Jose Baez to defend him.

Thanks!

Yours Truly,
ME

Dear Jackasses:

Dear Jackasses:

Don't tell my kids you are going to do something, get them all fucking excited about it, and then fuck them over. 

It's so not OK.

Douches.

Love,
ME

You Were My Favorite, Now You Have Learned The Evil Ways of the Middle Spawn

I guess I knew this day would come, but still it saddens me.

The whole bathroom flooded and all the water cascaded down into the laundry room downstairs.

Thank you Baby Spawn for flushing an entire roll of toilet paper, along with every single solitary thing in the bottom drawer of my vanity down the toilet. 

It caused a flood the likes of which Middle Spawn has never accomplished. And the student becomes the master.  Be afraid. Be very afraid.

It was nice to see the plumber though. It's been years since MS caused havoc with the pipes.

Dear Bitch:

Dear Bitch:

Thanks for screaming and crying and hiding under the table when it is time for you to do your homework.

Now your little bro thinks this is the normal thing to do when it is homework time.

I appreciate it.

Love,
Mom

You Little Jackass!

Thanks, MS, for fucking making me chase your sorry little ass around the yard because you don't want to go to school "first".

Guess what you little shit?  You go first, AND YOU COME THE FUCK HOME FIRST. Your freaking sister has to stay at school all the live long day and you get home after 3 hours. I seriously don't know what the fuck you are complaining about.

Newsflash! You can't just sit around on your ass playing Super Mario Bros. all fucking day.

Todd Grey, Super Asshole

Well the Dickbag collection agency called again. I had the lovely pleasure of having the following conversation with Todd Grey, Super Asshole, the man hell bent on harassing the shit out of me, and being an all around giant douchebag.

Todd Grey, Super Asshole (TGSA):  You never got back to me from our last conversation so I am calling back to find out what you decided to do about paying your debt.

Me:  Well, I didn't realize I had to get back to you, because I hung up the phone when you wouldn't listen to me or have a discussion like a normal human being.

TGSA:  I don't recall that.

Me: Let me refresh your memory:  YOU wouldn't stop talking, and YOU wouldn't listen to anything I was saying. YOU were being a jerk, so I hung up on you.

TGSA: Well I was simply explaining what would happen.

Me: OK. I realize what would happen. I'm telling you AGAIN. I have no money in the bank, no house, no job, I have NOTHING. I can't even give you $10 a month. As soon as I am working again, I will arrange a payment schedule. There is nothing, NOTHING I can do as of right now.  I have to charge food on my credit card every week.

TGSA:  Well you have (starts listing all my credit cards) and with a significant down payment we can resolve this right away.

Me: You are not seriously suggesting I borrow money from my credit cards at a higher interest rate than my student loan to pay you are you? Because it isn't happening. And besides, I already TOLD YOU that I need my credit cards to buy food for my 3 kids. I'm not using my credit card to pay you and then I have nothing to feed my family. Get serious.

TGSA:  You have a GEM Bank card with a $75,000 credit limit on it and only a $1,000 balance, you could charge this entire balance on your credit card if you wanted to.

Me: I DO NOT have a credit card with a $75,000 balance. Are you insane?

TGSA:  I'm looking at your credit report right now.

Me: Well then we have a fucking problem, because someone stole my identity. I don't have a credit card with that kind of limit.

----------more arguing ensues before dickbag Todd Grey, Super Asshole realizes he can't read numbers right and that I do not in fact have a credit card with a $75,000 limit.

Me:  Listen, give me a job. I can make harassing phone calls from home; I can be an asshole and call people and harass them -  and then I'll have enough money to pay you.

TGSA: You're doing that right now and anyway we don't hire people who don't pay their student loans.

Me:  Oh right. You're funny.

TGSA:  Well since you are unwilling to discuss a payment schedule...

Me: I can't make a payment. I can pay you $1 a month. If you are lucky.

TGSA: The lawyers will be contacting you.

Me: Great. Have fun with that. Because I have nothing. Oh, and by the way... You're a dick.

Then I hung up.

Time to get my name off our joint bank account I guess. Although there's only $14.50 in there, so Todd Grey, Super Asshole can have that if he wants it.

OK, Bitch, We're All Struggling

Since I am dead ass broke, and since I don't need an excuse to stuff myself full of all the carnival food I can eat for free, I helped out my friend working at a street fair selling zeppoles. IT WAS SO FUN.

Besides the guy with 1,000 piercings in his face (sorry I didn't bring my camera or you know there would be a picture here), and the dumb bitch who complained that she wanted "big" zeppoles and could I refill the bag with "big" ones because last night she got little "scrawny" ones and they were "horrible" (but yet the dumb whore was back for more, but whatever), there was the woman who couldn't bear to pay for them and had to beg at the window to get them for free.

Beggar woman (BW):  Come on, isn't there a discount at the end of the night?

Me:  No.

BW: Oh come on, you'd rather just throw them all away than give them to me for free?

Me:  Well there won't be any left, and if there is, I'm taking them home to my kids.

BW:  Oh come on, this is ridiculous. You know you just throw them away.

Me:  I'm telling you, there won't be any left.

BW:  You know, I'm only asking because I am really struggling.

Me:  Lady, don't talk to me about struggling. I'm a fucking attorney and I'm working in a zeppole cart.

BW:  Ohhhhhh.  (Look of horror crosses her face).

Me:  Times are rough lady, it's a depression. It'll get better. Until then, everyone's just gotta do what they gotta do.

BW: Ohhhh, I want to tell you my story....

Yada Yada Yada, blah fucking blah. I had to sit there and listen to this bitch cry and complain about her house burning down, her other house getting flooded, her lack of money, how she had to move, MEANWHILE she's dicking around dropping at least $100 for her and her 2 kids to go to a street fair (you know those POP bracelets are a fucking rip off), and trying to get $4 zeppoles for free.

Give me a FUCKING BREAK!

OK Dipshit

Yeah, you better stop ordering shit off the fucking coffee truck. Don't you know we are fucking broke? STOP ORDERING FOOD FROM THE FUCKING COFFEE TRUCK GUY WHEN THERE IS PERFECTLY GOOD FOOD IN THE HOUSE FOR YOU TO TAKE TO WORK WITH YOU YOU JACKASS.

Cause guess what? You'll have to pay for your fucking Jamaican beef patties and fucking dirty water dogs with blow jobs because I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANY MONEY TO PAY HIM ANYMORE.

ASS.

Dear Money Hungry Jackasses:


How nice to find this e-mail in my inbox:

Dear Alumni,

I am writing with the exciting news that Hofstra Law has received a $20 million gift from Maurice A. Deane '81, a distinguished alumnus who forged a unique 30-year commitment to Hofstra when he embarked on a law degree after a successful career as a business executive. In recognition of Mr. Deane and in gratitude for the gift — the largest single gift in the history of Hofstra University — we are proudly renaming the Law School the Maurice A. Deane School of Law at Hofstra University.

This gift to the Law School's endowment will provide in perpetuity annual income for enhancing academic quality and student support. Most striking is that, although our school was only established four decades ago, this gift ranks among the top 20 donations to any American law school. This capstone gift speaks volumes to the value of a Hofstra Law degree, both past and present, and affords us new resources as we extend the Hofstra legacy forward.

Mr. Deane defines the kind of excellence we strive for every day at the Law School. He is a distinguished professional who built Endo Laboratories into one of the nation's largest privately held pharmaceutical companies. After facilitating a successful sale to DuPont, Mr. Deane continued to lead the company as an independent subsidiary until his retirement.

Mr. Deane's business success is matched by his intellectual ambition and love of the law, which he pursued later in life. At the age of 50, Mr. Deane enrolled in Hofstra Law and made his mark as an extraordinary student, mentor and professional role model to his classmates, graduating first in his class. Ever since, he has steadily given back to the Law School in many ways, including endowing a Distinguished Professorship in Constitutional Law and, with his wife, Barbara, a Law School scholarship and the Law Library.

Equal to Mr. Deane's financial support has been his unflagging commitment and longstanding service to both the Law School and Hofstra University. A truly engaged member of our community, Mr. Deane has mentored many graduates, served on a number of key committees and acted as a trusted adviser in his capacity as member and chair of the university's board of trustees.

Naming the Law School after Mr. Deane is a natural extension of the long history the man and the institution share and seems a fitting way to close out the Law School's 40th anniversary year — a year in which we celebrate our past and turn to ambitious plans and opportunities ahead.

I hope to see many of you at a convocation we are planning to formally celebrate Mr. Deane's generosity and rededicate the Law School in tribute to his caliber as an exceptional professional, student and alumnus.
Sincerely,

Nora V. Demleitner
Dean and Professor of Law

It's lovely to see that people DO have money and want to spend it on ridiculous nonsense.  So nice you are naming the building after this guy and doing all kinds of stupid shit that no one needs. Why not forgive some poor ass students' school loans who can't fucking make any money in this dipshit economy????


Better yet GIVE ME THE 20 fucking MILLION!!! I will fucking name a kid after you!!!!!!


Love,
ME

Note to Self 32

It's pretty pathetic when you have to borrow money from your 4 year old to pay for your library fines.

I'm just saying.

You Have GOT To Be Fucking Kidding Me

Upon returning to my house after taking the baby for a walk, what should I find on the table but a note left for me by my darling husband*:

What a fucking douchebag.  Let me tell you something sweetheart, I have my own fucking list for YOU:

1.  Make enough money so that I can hire a fucking maid, AND
2.  Start using your fake vagina.  It was a gift!!!! The person who gave it to you spent a lot of money for your enjoyment.
3.  Get a vasectomy.


*Names have been omitted so that this letter cannot be used as evidence when I fucking rip his balls off.

To The Powers That Be:

To The Powers That Be:

I am up to my ASS in fucking fundraisers! Magazines, wrapping paper, nuts, etc. AND THIS IS JUST THE FIRST FUCKING WEEK OF SCHOOL! I know more of this shit is on its way.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FUNDRAISER FOR ME?????

I'm fucking broke as shit, yet getting a People Magazine subscription, a fucking box of peanut brittle and some peace sign wrapping paper all to support MS's preschool, & BB's girl scout troop.  Meanwhile, I'm living off my fucking credit cards, and about to get my legs broken by a dickbag collection agency employee. 

I propose a fundraiser to save my ass. We can call it whatever you want (I am open to suggestions). 

Love,
ME

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Dear God:

There are bananas in the toaster; there's baby powder ALL OVER THE CARPET.  The boys must have rolled in the baby powder, as they both are covered in it and resemble mini pillsbury doughboys.

I have to take 2 kids to 2 different soccer practices at the same time. I cooked pork chops at 3:30 so we would have dinner when we finally get home, but I think they are raw in the middle.

There's juice on the floor, toys everywhere, and I feel an anxiety attack coming on. I can't drink a glass of wine BECAUSE I HAVE TO DRIVE 3 KIDS ALL AROUND TOWN.

Please just let me win the lotto. I don't want a lot, just enough to hire a chauffeur and maid and pay the Mafia (aka the Student Loan Collection Agency Assholes). Thanks! I appreciate it.

Love,
ME

1-800 Dentist: YOU SUCK

Out of desperation, I used your stupid service to find a dentist, because my dentist, who I LOVED, and used for 10 years had a partner who was a dickbag, and also the office manager was a stupid twat.

Long story short, after going to the stupid doctor for months and MONTHS with a so called sinus infection, and taking antibiotics out the ass, I DISCOVERED THAT I NEEDED A ROOT CANAL and there was nothing fucking wrong with my sinuses AT ALL! So the dickbag partner starts the root canal (because the dickbag partner does all the root canals on back teeth). Well my tooth was so fucking rotten that the start of the root canal did NOTHING to ease my pain.  At which point, I called dickbag and asked for an antibiotic because I had a feeling my tooth was infected. Dickbag said NO. WHY, do you ask? WELL, I would LOVE TO KNOW. He acted like I was asking for fucking percosets or something. I WAS NOT. All I wanted was fucking amoxicillin. After lengthy argument dickbag finally gave me the stupid antibiotic prescription. AFTER 1 DAY I IMPROVED SIGNIFICANTLY! Take that dickbag! Well about 2 days AFTER I finished the antibiotic the fucking pain came back. Which, and I'm no doctor, led me to believe that the infection came back and I needed a stronger antibiotic. Dickbag wouldn't give it to me.

So anyway, in the meantime, I had paid what the bitch at the front desk told me I had to pay for the root canal (WHICH was going to take 4 visits - 4 fucking visits!!!!!!) before my very first appointment. After I was ALL DONE and fighting with dickbag for an antibiotic, the bitch tells me I owe more money. It turns out the bitch billed it wrong and with all the fighting expected me to pay for it because they couldn't appeal it or resubmit it because too much time had passed or whatever. WELL GUESS WHAT? That AIN'T MY PROBLEM BITCH! Do your fucking job right and this shit won't happen.

I had to call my oral surgeon who took my wisdom teeth out and beg him to pull my tooth out. He wouldn't. HE GAVE ME A STRONG ANTIBIOTIC in the hopes that he could save my tooth, AND IT WORKED! He couldn't understand why dickbag wouldn't just give me a freaking antibiotic.

Anyway, I'm in tremendous pain and aggravated beyond belief, so I write dickbag a note telling him to go fuck themselves and begin my quest for a new dentist. I get loads of referrals from friends, and I pick one and go to him. He was great. Unfortunately he didn't take my insurance (but neglected to tell me that when I went to him. In fact, he took a copy of my insurance card and information before I even set foot in there and then it turned out after I was done, he let me know he didn't accept the insurance.  HELLO why didn't you tell me that when you saw my insurance card??) So that was a whole other fight.

Then I think to myself, "why not try 1-800-DENTIST??? Well my first clue that they SUCKED was the fact that the first referral she gave me was a pediatric dentist. The receptionist who answered the phone there sounded pretty pissed off that they keep referring patients to them.  But still I kept trying because what else can I do?

She sends me to this really nice place that is close by and even has Sunday hours. WELL, what a fucking nightmare that was. That place actually made me scared to go to the dentist, and I have anxiety even thinking about ever going back (which is bad, cause I need to go, because my fucking filling fell out and I can feel my tooth rotting out of my skull. But I keep imagining the hum of the drill and it gives me heart palpitations). 

After getting 3 shots of novocaine and still feeling everything, I just grinned and beared it and hung onto the chair while he drilled my tooth away.  I still feel the pain just writing about it. When I got out, I looked like a prisoner of war or a refugee or something. Sweat was pouring down my back, my hair was all wet and hanging, and I was green.  GREEN! When I walked into my house, my mother in law (who was visiting) said "what the hell happened to you"? I had to go to bed. 

I thought it was just a freak thing or maybe the freaking cavity was too deep or something.  But then my husband went to the dentist. He had the same experience. Only the dentist gave him like 6 shots to numb him, NONE OF WHICH WORKED. He then told the husband that he couldn't legally give him any more. So my husband felt everything as well.

Needless to say none of us are ever going back. AND I paid up front for all that torture and again they asked for more money! It's only $40 but still. I asked for an EOB because I never got one showing that I owe more money, and they never sent it to me, and instead sent me to collections. I want to see why the bill is $40 more, cause I AM NOT PAYING FOR all the extra shots the asshole had to give us THAT DIDN'T EVEN WORK.  I guess I'll be in collections AGAIN. Woo Hoo!

Meanwhile, my tooth is rotting away and I'm too fucking traumatized to go to any dentist.  So now what??????

Maybe back to the oral surgeon to just get this fucker pulled.

Thanks 1-800-DENTIST, you fucked me big time.

P.S. Dickbag's office gave a really GREAT cleaning. All these other offices SUCK. I feel better after brushing my own teeth than I do after getting a cleaning at the Novocaine King's office. My teeth feel cleaner after using Listerine than they did after a cleaning at that jackass' office. This is ALL dickbag's fault.  Now I'm fucked for life.

Dear Mom:

Dear Mom:

I sincerely apologize. When I took off Baby Spawn's clothes to throw him and Middle Spawn in the tub, I really didn't think he would run into your apartment, naked, and shit on your floor.  What can I say? He moves fast!

Love,
ME

Dear Society:

Dear Society:

I must apologize for the behavior of my jackass of a daughter.

All day long we have had to hear the screams:

YOU ARE A PROMISE BREAKER.

YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER EVER.

All I want is my DS. HOW SIMPLE IS THAT? IS IT IN YOUR POCKET? CAUSE I NEED IT. I want to play it. I WANT MY DS RIGHT NOW. PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSEEEEE???

Give me another chance with the DS. PLEASE?

YOU ARE SO MEAN.

OH PLEASE MAMA.

MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT MOM WHERE IS IT

WHERE IS IT. I WANT TO PLAY MY POKEMON GAME ON THE DS TELL ME PLEASE MOMMY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

AM I GONNA SAY THIS TIL I AM DEAD? PLEASE TELL ME.

I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY IF YOU TELL ME WHERE IT IS. IF YOU GIVE ME THE DS I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY.

MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH? MAYBE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A DS IS BECAUSE YOU SPEAK CHINESE? TELL ME WHERE IT IS CHINESE GIRL?

DO YOU EVEN HEAR ME???

DO YOU HAVE EARPLUGS IN?

I have to say that the Bitch isn't getting her fucking DS.  Because she makes it her business to make me look like a fucking psycho everywhere I go by laying on the soccer field screaming, throwing handfuls of grass at me, hitting me and making me chase her all around while everyone laughs at me.

I don't know why she isn't embarrassed to be a total lunatic? No one acts like her. Out of 200 people running around the soccer field at any given time, SHE were the only one acting like a jackass.

I need the fucking Supernanny or Maury Povitch to take her to fucking boot camp. 

In any event, the only way to teach this bitch a lesson is not to give in to her insanity. Although THAT doesn't seem to work either as we are all fucking suffering.

Any suggestions would be nice. And no, I can't murder her or have her kidnapped.

She is a total psycho.

Again, I apologize.

Love,
ME

Inappropriate Questions Deserve Inappropriate Answers

HELLO JACKASSES!

I may have said this before, but, trust me, it bears repeating.
Stop asking newly married couples when they are going to have kids. IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!

After reading this blog, I am SURE half the childless men have gone to get vasectomies. 

In the meantime, ladies, I have the PERFECT response for you when asked this MOST INAPPROPRIATE of questions:

Q:  When are you going to have kids?

A:  After my last abortion, the doctor told me I was infertile.

Dear MS:

Dear MS:

Squirting whipped cream down your throat right from the can is NOT considered eating lunch.  Just FYI.

Love you!
Mommy

Dear Kids:

Dear Kids:

Yes you are the lights of my life, but seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?

When I say "we can't play with our toys or do anything until the house is clean" you should all HELP CLEAN THE FUCKING HOUSE.

BUT NO! Instead you lay around and whine and then, when I am finished cleaning, you get up
AND MESS THE WHOLE FUCKING PLACE UP AGAIN.

I'm living in the fucking movie Groundhogs day, and just repeating the same shit every fucking day. NOTHING CHANGES. 

I'm on my fucking way to insanity. Thanks a fucking lot!

Love,
MOM

P.S. Is this your fucking plan? To have me institutionalized so that you won't have to take care of me in my old age?

Dear Dickhead:

Dear Dickhead:

Let me get this straight:

You are too tired to wash your dinner dishes, too tired to get the kids a snack, too tired to watch TV and too tired to make yourself a sundae, BUT you are NOT too tired for sex?

I suggest you put your dick to sleep.

Maybe if I didn't have to do all this fucking shit, I WOULDN'T BE TOO TIRED FOR SEX.

Jackass

Love,
ME

Dear MS:

Dear MS:

Seriously, you don't have to run out to the bus stop to watch your sister get on the bus EVERY SINGLE MORNING barefoot and in your mismatched pajamas (WHICH YOU CONSTANTLY HAVE ON BACKWARDS! How many times do I have to tell you?? THE TAG GOES IN THE BACK!!! You have a 50-50 shot every time AND EVERY TIME YOU GET IT WRONG. WTF is wrong with you????).

If I've told you once, I've told you a ZILLION times! You need to put your shoes on before you come outside! I mean it's rained every day and you've been running barefoot through the mud!

What do you think is so great out there anyway???? I'm sure next year, when you actually have to be on the freaking bus in the morning, you will NOT be so willing to run out there.

Love you!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Mommy

A Thank You Letter

Dear Baby Spawn:

Thanks for this! It was so fun:

You know how hard it is to get dip out from in between those buttons????

Love ya!
Mommy

Dear Collection Agency:

Dear Collection Agency:

I'm so sorry that I am out of work and destitute. I don't know what you want me to do. I can't just print my own money because that is a felony. 

I'd LOVE to pay my student loan, except the economy is shit and I have 3 young kids to support. Obviously I'm gonna buy food for my family and gas for my car before I pay you, especially since that stupid ass education did nothing for me.

It's a nice scam you and the government have going on - making people feel like they have no choice but to go to college and grad school in order to find a decent job, but then upon graduation, it ends up being impossible to find a job even at Taco Bell.  I also love that since I was self employed I can't collect unemployment EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO WORK AND that I can't declare bankruptcy, even though I am basically fucking bankrupt.  I'm sure if I was an illegal alien, I'd be able to collect unemployment, food stamps, and go to school for free, but since I'm not, my entire family and I are just fucked.

In any event, I have an idea! GIVE ME A JOB AT YOUR COLLECTION AGENCY! Surely I can make threatening phone calls to people and act like an asshole from home. Then I'll have money to pay the stupid loan off, and won't have to put my kids into daycare (which would require me to have a side job pole dancing just to afford the $3,000+ a month it would cost for daycare for 3 kids).
Love,
ME

P.S. - I AM full blooded Italian, so I'm sure your mafia-like tactics will come very easy to me.  I can threaten and menace people and also talk over them when they are trying to answer the questions I ask them.  Looking forward to it!

Love,
ME

P.P.S.  I especially LOVE the threat of litigation!! This I see as a bonus, because at least I'll be in a courtroom using my degree when you sue me. 

Love,
ME

F the Terrorist Assholes

It's been 10 years, so remember those who were killed by DOING SOMETHING GOOD. If you can't think of anything, here is a list:

1.  Adopt a soldier at http://www.adoptaplatoon.org/  - they are fighting FOR YOU and a letter once a week and a package every so often REALLY makes their day.  OR welcome home a soldier at a local airport. Find out where at  http://www.patriotguard.org/

2. Donate to Angel Eyes http://www.angeleyes.org/index-5.html  in honor of my friend who lost her son to SIDS. SIDS is bullshit and we need to figure out how to eliminate it forever!

3. Become a bone marrow donor in honor of my friend, another friend's husband and another friend's 4 year old son. You don't even have to leave your house - they send you a kit to swab your cheek and you mail it back to them -  http://www.dkmsamericas.org/.

4. Donate to the American Cancer Society in honor of the too many I know and love who are fighting cancer or who have lost their battles with cancer at http://www.cancer.org/.

5.  In honor of my friend's son donate to http://www.pwsausa.org/.

6.  In honor of my friend donate to http://www.nationalmssociety.org/.

7.  In honor of my friends who have lost their babies and all of the premie babies born donate to http://www.marchofdimes.com/.

8.  For my cousin who suffers from Autism, and all of my friends with children also suffering donate to http://www.autismspeaks.org/.

9.  GO GIVE BLOOD.

10.  http://www.tunneltotowers.org/  - donate to the Stephen Siller Tunnel to Towers foundation. He was a firefighter that lost his life on 9/11 and his foundation helps children who have lost parents, and injured firefighters, military personnel, etc.

11.  Donate to the Muscular Dystrophy Association in honor of my adorable little neighbor who is praying for a cure. Donate at: http://www.mda.org/post-telethon.htm

12.  Donate to the Traumatic Brain Injury Association of America, in honor of my cousin's young step daughter, who lost her life after a tragic accident. http://www.biausa.org/

13.  Donate to the Ovarian Cancer Research fund at http://www.ocrf.org/ in honor of my friend, who KICKED OVARIAN CANCER'S ASS (but even more so in honor of those who are losing their fight with this stupid disease).

Donate to one of these, donate to all of these or go find some other worthy cause JUST DON'T SIT AROUND AND DO NOTHING.  There's really no excuse for that.  Doing nothing makes YOU the jackass.

Dear Boys:

Dear Boys:

Thanks so much for busting the closet door off of its hinges and using it as a slide. I so love when you work as a team.

Love and kisses,

Mommy

Be Careful What You Wish For

Did I really want these assholes to go back to school? REALLY??????

Now I have homework and dance class, soccer practice, religion classes, swimming lessons, girl scouts, play dates, field trips......


The list goes on AND ON.

SOMEONE HELP!

Grab Your Pepper Spray Ladies!

Apparently a movement is afoot! I got a nice little comment this morning from our favorite psycho:

Here is a blog written by a man named Zero Tolerance Man, and he hates American women even more than I do.

Just face it ladies, millions of American men are starting to become sick of you and reject you. Maybe if you American women didn't act like such horrible bitches and sociopaths, men wouldn't be rejecting and boycotting you. You whores have no one to blame but yourselves.

Oh yes, my stalker is alive and well and can't let go.  He's back and spreading the word!  If you are lucky, all the fucking psycho's followers will be out harassing Indian mail order brides and will leave you alone! One can only hope!

The Argument For Sterilization

Have you heard about this winner?

She's the twit who was having a "bad day" because she "couldn't find anything to wear".  Apparently, her baby was being annoying, so she smacked her around and then blew pot in the baby's face.  The baby is 10 months old.

Yes I know kids are annoying as fuck. They really are. And I'm not gonna lie, I've thought of drugging the little jerks when they are at their worst. But that's just a fantasy! I would never actually do it.  This bitch is crazy! I mean, look at her!!!!

After you do something like this, they really should remove your uterus. I'm just saying. I mean we have Casey Anthony walking around saying she would like to have another child.  Should she be allowed to?? HELL NO! She should meet up with this bitch and go live in Hedonism or some Adults only place.

Stupid Ass.

Note to Self 31

Dude, you are not 22 anymore.  In your 30s the hangovers last 3-4 days.  Next time, PUT DOWN THE FOURTH GLASS OF WINE.

Know your limits, bitch.

Dear Subway Snobs:

Dear Subway Snobs:

I don't appreciate your bitchy looks as I smacked MS in the head with his croc on the subway.  You don't live with MS, so you can't possibly understand that HE DESERVED MUCH MORE THAN A SHOE TO THE HEAD.

Perhaps you missed him freaking out and flinging his shoes at me?

IF you took the time to watch, instead of giving me the death stare, you would have seen that he calmed the fuck down immediately after receiving the wack to the head. 

Don't judge me bitch! You only had to endure a 3 minute subway ride with these brats, but I've got them with me for life.

Love,
ME

California, Land of the Idiots

Dear California:

Are you retarded? How has this law actually passed in the Assembly? I don't get it:

A proposed law could put a dent in date night.

Under Assembly Bill 889, which has already cleared the Assembly, parents would have to provide babysitters with workers compensation, health insurance, vacation time and other benefits.

The law states that parents (domestic employers) who hire a babysitter on Friday night will be legally obligated to pay at least minimum wage to any sitter over the age of 18, provide a substitute caregiver every two hours to cover rest and meal breaks, in addition to worker's compensation benefits, and overtime.

The bill doesn't apply to family members who babysit, and excludes child care. Fresno Labor Lawyer Barry Bennett says the bill is meant to protect domestic employees including babysitters, nannies, and housekeepers.

Babysitter Christina Dimartini says the bill will hurt her when she needs to pay for books and other college expenses. "That's how I make my money, on weekends [because] I don't have time during the school days," she says.

Parents who fail to abide by the law will have to pay up to $4,000 in back pay and legal expenses.

WHAT THE FUCK? THIS IS INSANE.  I don't get a meal break!!!!! WTF????? What are you saying? I need to hire 2 babysitters?????? So they can give each other breaks?????? How ridiculous. And what about OVERTIME? What constitutes overtime???? How many hours??? This is bullshit.  Health insurance??? Seriously??? I can barely get health insurance through my husband's actual job!!!! AND WORKERS COMP?????? For what? Mental health benefits for when they are driven insane by the toddlers? WHERE'S MY MENTAL HEALTH BENEFITS????

You know what? California should pass a law that one parent should have to remain home at all times since they are making it fucking impossible for people to go to work. If you have to hire 2 fucking babysitters and pay for dental and give your babysitter a fucking paid vacation, you might as well just stay the fuck home and go on welfare. 

Stupid California.

What a bunch of asses.

I KNOW How She Does It

Does anyone else find it completely ridiculous that Sarah Jessica Parker is in this movie?



I mean, seriously, not only did she not even have to fuck Ferris Beuller to get those twins she has, she didn't even have to be pregnant or birth them! That means not one stretch mark, not one pound gained, no nausea, no vomiting, NO AVOIDING ALCOHOL!!

I'll tell you how she fucking does it! She has a team of doctors, surrogates, nannies, cooks, maids, personal assistants, trainers, stylists, etc. She can do whatever the hell she wants all day because SOMEONE ELSE IS TAKING CARE OF HER KIDS. SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY TAKING CARE OF HER EVERY NEED AND DESIRE.

Dear BB:

Dear BB:

Just to let you know, when you run away from home, your mom doesn't pack your suitcase for you. YOU have to do it yourself. Sorry.

xoxoxoxoxoxo
Love,
Mom

A Lesson In Courtesy

Please observe this simple conversation:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband: Hi honey, I just called to let you know I'll be coming home from work late tonight.

Wife: Ok!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

See how easy that is??? It takes like 1 second!!! And no one has to worry that their husband has been in a horrific accident or something!

Not to Insult You, but....

OK, I'm not saying that BB's little 7 year old friend does the dishes bette than you do, but I do have to say that when she does do them, there is no film of grease on them AND they are actually clean.

Love ya!
ME

Yeah

Darling,

I just wanted to let you know that, generally, when someone is barfing their brains out, they usually aren't interested in having sex. It has nothing to do with you, it's just that vomit really doesn't put you in the mood.

Love,
ME

Clever, Clever, CLEVER

Dear BB:

Ok so you know once you go into your room for the night you can't come out because your daddy can't handle it and gets crazy. Usually it ends up with a smack on the ass.

But clever YOU manipulate MS to come out repeatedly to get you a snack.

You usually end up with the smack, and your brother ends up with the slap.

I don't know whether to be impressed by you or disgusted with you.

Love,
Mom

Dear BB:

Dear BB:

Isn't it embarrassing when your friend comes over for a sleep over and you loaf around on your ass, but SHE vaccuums up the baby powder MS dumped all over Baby Spawn's ride on truck?

Don't you feel like YOU SHOULD TAKE A CUE FROM HER when she CLEANS THE FUCKING DISHES AFTER DINNER?

OR HOW ABOUT when she CHANGED YOUR BABY BROTHER'S DIAPER?

Peer pressure works both ways you know!!!! Instead of fucking jumping on the Twinkle Toes, Silly Bandz, iCarly or Justin Bieber bandwagon, maybe you can jump onto the fucking Useful Child bandwagon???? 

Jeez.

You oughtta be ashamed of yourself.

Love,
Mom

Guess What Jerks??

Guess what jerks? When you are fucking punished and I put you in your room, it means GO IN THERE AND STAY THERE!!!

Don't come out laughing and hide in the dining room.

Don't come out and shake your ass at me with a smile on your face.

Don't come out and kick the door with your feet.

Don't open the door and throw toys down the hallway.

AND IF YOU DO DO ALL OF THE ABOVE THINGS, DON'T ACT SURPRISED WHEN I BEAT YOUR ASS.

Ok?

Thanks!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Love,
Mommy

Dear Children

Dear Children:

The following are not to be consumed for breakfast unless you are living in a frat house or something:

Doritos
Cheese Doodles
Ice cream sundaes
left-over pizza
soda
stuff you fish out of the garbage
old crusty food you find laying on the floor around the house
gum

The following are NEVER to be consumed at all:
crayons
Squinkies
baby powder
toothpaste
floor cleaner
toilet paper
hair clips
socks
magazines
paper
soap
paper clips
pencils
dirty diapers

Thanks!!!! Just looking out for you guys.

Love you all!

Love,
Mommy

Seriously?

Dear Moron:

Honestly it isn't that I don't love you, I seriously CANNOT have you hanging all over me at night.

I don't want to cuddle, I don't want a hug, I don't want you spooning me, I WANT TO BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE.

Cause guess what? I've been fucking beating kids, cooking, cleaning, and having little brats hanging all over me ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY.  And the last thing I fucking want is to have you on top of me, along with the cat clawing my stomach to try to get comfortable. 

Seriously, if it doesn't stop I'm getting my own room.

But I do love you.

Love,
Me

Boy Geniuses

If Middle Spawn isn't a doctor I will eat my hat.  He loves getting throat cultures, vaccines, blood drawn, peeing in a cup, getting weighed, the eye test, the ear test, etc. He HAS to come to the doctor's office even if the appointment is not for him. He is the ONLY kid who tries to bust into the exam room before the nurse calls his name. (UNLIKE his big sister, who one time had me chase her down the street, and drag her into an exam room by her feet with the entire office laughing at me).

Baby Spawn is the next Bill Gates. He is on my computer CONSTANTLY. He breaks into my room and gets on it every 5 minutes. There is no stopping him. He changes my settings, sends out e-mails, and moves things into the recycle bin. 

BB, on the other hand, is so lazy, it's ridculous. I'd say she would be a gold digger and marry a rich man, except I actually think that would take too much energy and effort for her.  Hopefully her rich and successful brothers will take care of her.

Mother of the Year

Apparently you are the worst mother in the world!!! Upon punishing BB, and locking her in her room, she rewarded you with the following words in green crayon on the top of a shoebox:

My mom hates me

NO WAY

Dear Crazy Lady:

Listen, I get you want to be fashionista, but REALLY no one over 22 should wear this style of swimsuit.

Even if you weren't a flabby old mess, this style of bathingsuit is not for the senior citizen set. Get it?

You are someone's grandmother for the love of God! You should't be able to trade clothes with your grandchildren. THAT'S JUST WRONG.

Listen, sweetie, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to help you! This is wrong on SO MANY LEVELS. The tan lines alone should be enough to send you running for a wetsuit.

The point is, I weigh half as much as you, am half your age, and I wouldn't be caught dead in this fucking getup.  Someone should punch whoever is with you in the face for letting you go out like that.

Invest in a "burkini"* ASAP!

Love,
ME

*Remember the Burkini from Sex and the City 2? Turns out Nigella Lawson wore one to the beach. Maybe it's a trend that is catching on:

P.S. Even though you are no Nigella, the fact that someone as hot as Nigella is wearing this proves that even you can be trendy. That's right! You can be old, flabby AND trendy. Good luck!

WARNING WARNING WARNING

NEVER go to the Kid Kutz/Hair Sense in the Westfield Shopping Center in Bay Shore NY.

I decided I was going to take BB and her friend to go get feather extensions PLUS BB needed a hair cut. As BB's hair is like mine (Wild, out of control, curly, crazy, etc.) I don't much care where we go because it is pretty hard to fuck up a trim with hair like that.

I call Kid Kutz and what I thought was a pushy, obnoxious Asian woman answers the phone. (It turns out it was a pushy, obnoxious Asian man).

Pushy Asian Man (PAM):  HELLO

Me: Yes. Hi I would like to make an appointment to get a trim for my daughter and feather extensions for her and her friend.

PAM: I the best around. How you hear from us? Who refer you? I the best around I do good job for you.

Me: No one referred me I just want to make an appointment. You are in the mall right?

PAM: I the best around. I do good job for you.

Me: Ok can I come in around 3PM?

PAM: Yes 3PM when you want to come in? I do best job for you.

Me:  Fine.

So, off to the mall we go. I should have run out right away, but let's face it, I had four kids with me, and need to get shit done.

BB gets in the chair and the guy brushes her hair. Hard. Without wetting it at all. No shampoo, no conditioner, no spray bottle, NO NOTHING. Now, BB's hair is a frizzy disgusting mess. He then turns to me and says:

PAM: She need hot oil conditioning treatment. Her hair all broken. No healthy. No good. I do hot oil treatment.

ME: NO, she is not getting a hot oil treatment. She is 7. I take care of her hair at home. It is summer, she is in the pool all day long. I just want a trim.

PAM: I do blow out she need condition.

ME: NO.

PAM: What about other girl? Her hair no healthy either. Very bad. She need ...

ME: NO. That one isn't my kid and I'm not touching her hair! I have authorization to get her a feather extension ONLY.

The stupid ass continues to cut her hair DRY.  It looks quite terrifying.

PAM: You hair too short for you face. You need longer. I give you nice shape. You need nice shape you face too small you hair to wide. I give you nice shape.

ME: I'm in the mall with 4 kids. You think I have time for this?

In my head I am thinking: you fucking douche bag, you are destroying my baby's hair!!! In any event, the feather extensions came out ok, however the haircut is something else!

First of all BB has one lock of hair that is WAY longer than the others. AND IT IS SUPER SUPER SHORT. I couldn't tell how short it was because he had brushed it and frizzed it all to hell.

Fucking assholes!

STAY AWAY FROM THIS PLACE!

On the plus side, I did make a new friend. She was one of the many people who stopped me in disbelief wondering if all 4 children were mine.

Guest Blogger Post 2

Dear Dumbass Pocketbook Thief:

Dear Dumbass who stole MB's pocketbook last night at BR's reunion party and who is sitting in jail right now! Next time you steal someone's shit, it might be in your best interest to actually LEAVE the bar with it instead of still hanging out there because your ass got so busted on surveillance! It was also really dumb of you to try to stuff something that big in the back of the toilet, so thank you very much for ruining EVERTYTHING with water! The best part of the night though was when we actually got to go through your pocketbook (after you were arrested) and get all of M's stuff back! The best thing we found was actually yours, your cell phone in mid text message, To MOM, "I think I'm getting arr....." Yes, we know you didn't get to finish the message to mom because you did in fact get arrested on a felony charge! Good luck with that!
Love,
NK, JH & of course, MB

You Stupid Twat:

Dear Stupid Twat:

Are you fucking crazy?

THIS is what you post in a forum bashing American women. NEED I REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE AN AMERICAN WOMAN???? You must be SO PROUD to call these douchebags friends.

Jenny speaks about her fellow American women

Jenny, a sweet American girl:

hmmm, my husband dated 19-20 american girls and said they were all boring, self-centered, lazy (they excpected their future husband to come home after work and do dishes, clean, cook, when they would stay home all day as a housewife). Kinda meessed up; but i'm sure there's some good american women out there (Editor's note: If they are "out there", then where are they? I have not met them!)

Let me tell you something sweetie, you are going down. Because your dumbass husband is going to leave you, and you clearly have no brain or any type of skills that would fucking help you in the world. Good for you - you know how to clean a toilet and give a blow job. Let's see what kind of job you can turn those skills into when your dipshit husband leaves you for the next dumb slut. You are so stupid, I feel I must warn you.  When your douchebag husband leaves you, you will be on welfare with your 10 kids and no money. 

YOU think YOU are one of the so called "good American women"??? You are dumber than dirt. Is this what these dumbass guys on that stupid website want in a woman?  A stupid submissive moron who blows smoke up their ass all day long??? A quiet little tramp whose job it is to dress up like a Barbie doll for their man and cater to his every desire? If you were out in the workforce, you are telling me that you would come home and do all the dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. while your dickbag husband laid on the sofa and drank a beer? COME ON!!! There is no way YOU are an American woman. You had to be either a stupid mail order bride, some dumb slut who used this guy for his green card to become a citizen, A TRANNY, or some stupid loser who is just so greatful that anyone would marry them that they worship the ground the stupid ass husband walks on.

So sorry I have a career. So sorry I've prepared myself to contribute to my family's finances AND also made myself capable of earning a living in case my husband should (God forbid) die or leave me.  What an idiot I am.

You've got to be kidding me. It's women like you that give women everywhere a bad name.

You go ahead and converse with your husband about how everyone except you is a crappy American woman.  Then, when some teenage whore comes around and your husband follows his dick into her vagina and leaves you alone with his children, you let me know if you want to take him for some money to care for HIS stupid children.

Fuck you. You will get whatever you deserve. Moron.

Stupid twat.

Love,
ME

P.S.
YOU are worse than any man on that stupid bullshit boycott American women site.  How good will your cooking and cleaning skills be when you are ALONE and your husband is fucking his secretary? Have fun, dumbass.

P.P.S.
Tell your dickbag friends to be sure they put the link to this post on their Boycott American Women website. I do SO love the publicity! Thanks

Love,
ME

Dear Dickbag:

Dear Dickbag:

Please don't wave your hands at me and yell as if I am the one doing something wrong.

I am going straight and you are turning left. This means I have the right of way, NOT YOU. 

Also, YOU ARE DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FUCKING ROAD.

So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Because I want nothing more than to get out of my car and punch your face out.

You dumb douche.

Love,
ME

P.S.  I have a map that will help you. I've posted it before, but maybe you missed it? In any event, here it is. Study it. And next time, drive on the right side of the road. Unless you are in England or something.

Dear Psycho:

Dear Psycho:

This is hilarious. Thanks for the laughs!

Haha, got a couple of more replies from hateful feminists. The first one is funny, in the sense of how angry this woman has become due to the Boycott American Women blog:http://letterstothejackassesoutthere.blogspot.com/2011/07/dear-dipshit.html

And the second one is a racist woman who said that "asian women belong in porn, and we American women are the best women in the world". I wrote her back telling her what a racist bitch she was, and here is the response she wrote:http://www.justinappropriate.com/2011/07/im-westernicated-but-in-super-fun-way.html

What's most hilarious is that YOU came on MY blog to comment with your nonsense, and then YOU, posted THIS, so your delusional followers (who probably are even bigger losers than you, if that's even possible) would think that I care enough to come look at what you wrote.

I happened upon this accidentally (on my stats page, it seems all of my traffic is coming from your site!!!!!!), but I am so glad I did. Thanks for the free publicity!

Love,
ME

P.S. I'm not a hateful feminist, I just hate you. Anyone with a vagina does, which is why you THINK you are boycotting American women. But really, American women are boycotting YOU.

Dear Idiot

Dear Idiot:

17 missed calls constitutes an emergency. Imagine my panic when in half an hour, there were 17 missed calls from you.

Imagine my ANGER when, upon calling back, I find that the "EMERGENCY" was that you wanted Taco Bell.

FURTHER, imagine my RAGE when I found out that you had to charge a pizza from Domino's because "there was no food in the house". I guess I must have dreamed that entire roast beef that was in the fridge.

Our bills are out of control. We can't afford ANYTHING. We really need to save the credit card for emergencies. AGAIN, an emergency is not that you have the munchies at 12 midnight.

Just so we are clear, an emergency is:  A serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action*.

You're a fucking moron, and you are dragging me down with you. Check your spending before I fuck you up.

Thanks!

Love,
Me

*Thank you Wikipedia

What Kind of Morons Do You Take Us For:

To Whom It May Concern:

Do you seriously expect us to believe that Sarah Jessica Parker got her hair out of your stupid box? NO FUCKING WAY! What kind of retard do you take me for?



There is no way that hair color came from the stupid box. Furthermore, there is no way Eva Mendes' hair is as fabulous as it is because of Pantene. Give me a fucking break.



I call bullshit on this:



YOU ARE ALL A FUCKING BUNCH OF LIARS.

I believe that when Taylor Swift wakes up in the morning, she looks every bit as shitty as I do.

I believe that Sarah Jessica Parker's hair is dull and mousy.

I believe that Eva Mendes used Pantene when she was 12, but now she buys the good stuff since SHE IS RICH.

These assholes will say anything for the amount of money they are getting paid to endorse THIS SHIT.

YOU ARE ALL FULL OF SHIT.

Love,
ME

American Woman Hater

Dear American Woman Hater:

Since you have so much spare time because no one wants to date you, you've chosen to stalk my fellow American Female Bloggers:

You are the very reason why I do not even consider dating American women. Your blog paints a picture of a classless, trashy, racist, subhuman feminist monster. You are going to cheat on your husband, never learn how to cook or clean, never want children, gain weight, and take half of any man's money. All American men should quit wanting women like you and get a real woman, like an Asian woman. You don't hold blankety blank blank blank to an Asian. Your second toe is longer than your first and your breath smells like tacos. (also insert the word "western" in a lot of places. He liked this word as though it was synonymous with disease-ridden and gingivitis)*

Nice message you left my friend. I really wish you would take my advice and seek therapy instead of sitting at your computer all day, with one hand down your pants jerking off. You know pyschiatrists are doctors. They can get you a boatload of viagra along with the  antipsychotic drugs they will surely prescribe you.

I'm sure I will be hearing from you soon, since you read my blog every day and won't be able to resist making a comment. 

Get a life!

Love,
ME 

P.S. I know I sent you the link for the Russian mail order brides last time you made a comment on my blog, but clearly you prefer Asians, so I went ahead and found some Asian mail order brides for you.  They probably have really low standards, so you should be able to find someone you can purchase.  I'm sure some of them are so desperate to become American citizens that they would even stoop as low as to let YOU buy them. http://www.asianbeauties.com/?gclid=CPaBrbnNpKoCFeVx5Qodd2uOYw YOU ARE WELCOME!

Love,
ME
*Check out how SHE ripped him one here: http://www.justinappropriate.com/2011/07/im-westernicated-but-in-super-fun-way.html